Stumbling

"We've come so far but we've got so far to go."  That song and those lyrics from Hairspray have been on my workout playlist since I made it. I usually find it super motivating and it makes me work twice as hard. Today it felt like a hammer over my head. Today was the first time in a while that I've had to face just how "far" I have to go. 

I've been so motivated lately, especially this past week. I signed up for bootcamp and then jumped in, two feet first, loving it. I think that's why today was so unexpected for me, because I've been on air all week, so proud of myself and excited about what I was doing.

This morning I was supposed to go to bootcamp at Gyro Park at 8:30am. I was super excited and had all my plans sorted out for the day.. I even made arrangements to go over to a friend's house so I could have a bath and rest the sore muscles I was sure to have after it. Getting to the bus in time was a series of mishaps I suppose. I woke up slightly late, then found out that google maps on the computer was wrong and the bus was 10 minutes earlier than I thought, meaning I had less time for breakfast and only had half of my protein shake. I didn't notice it was raining until I went to put my shoes on, but told myself it didn't matter. I jogged most of the way to the bus stop, to make sure that I would make it on time, because there was no way I was missing the bus. Then I realized I left my water bottle on the counter and I forgot to wrap my foot in the tensor bandage. Then found out that I wasn't clear to Kelly at all when I told her it was "bring a friend to bootcamp day" and she had no clue that I invited her to come.  It was one thing after another, but I kept telling myself no excuses! You are doing bootcamp. 

Well as I was walking down the "Hill of Death" as I fondly call it (all former UVic Res students know exactly what I'm talking about), the pain in my shin started getting worse. I had been experiencing pain in my shins when walking after my intense walk/spin class on Thursday, but I had put it off as the usual sore muscles. Since I was super early for bootcamp, I decided I had to time to do some "research" on google (never a good idea) and started wondering if I had a mild case of shin splints. I called the nurses hotline and long story short, the nurse gave me a lecture about needing to start out a new exercise regime slow and not over doing it. She suggested I talk to the trainer when I got to bootcamp and rather than going for a run with everyone else, I could do something else until the soreness in my shins went away.

That's when somehow my thoughts shifted from "I need to make sure I'm taking care of myself during bootcamp" to "I can't do bootcamp." I was just getting off the phone with the nurse when a stream of cars started coming into the park. Car 1: fit skinny person. Car 2: fit skinny person. Car 3: oh look, another fit skinny person. It went on and on. I say "fit skinny person" because that's just the exact thought that went through my head at that time, usually I hate saying that people it has a connotation to it that I disagree with. I knew the trainer that was starting off bootcamp was a guy who I had never met, and I only knew of one other person that said they were going. I decided that I wouldn't be comfortable talking to this guy trainer with a bunch of strangers around so I'd go and get a different form of exercise and then talk to the trainers I knew the next morning at indoor bootcamp.

I had walking for about two minutes when it dawned on me that I had just rationalized my excuses again. Sure enough, I got a text from Kelly that suggested she thought the same thing. I stopped in my tracks and looked back. By this point, all those who were at the bootcamp were doing a warm up by running up and down the park entrance side walk. I was just about to walk back and join them when this wave came over me. I don't even know how to explain it. It was fear, apprehension, and guilt all wrapped in a tidy little package that took my breath away. I would take one step towards the group and then take two back. It was like I had no control over my body. My brain was telling me to move my legs but my heart was pounding and I was close to freaking out. I eventually found myself sitting in the bus shelter crying my eyes out with a battle going on inside my head. The only way I know how to explain it was I wanted to want to join them SO badly. But the truth was I didn't want to join them anymore. I was scared. I was scared that I'd be the fat kid that couldn't keep up and have everyone doing laps around me. I was scared that I would over do it and injure myself and then I would lose my exercise mojo. But what I was most scared of is that I let myself use excuses again. As soon as I started crying I thought "well that's that, even if I wanted to go to bootcamp now, I can't go there 10 minutes late with red eyes and a blotchy face." Which only made me cry harder. It was so bizarre. The last thing I wanted to do was cop out, but I couldn't fathom going there either. 

I wish I could say that I got up, wiped my face and faced my fears. I wish with every fibre of my being that I could say I was so proud of myself and was on this endorphin high after finishing a (shortened) bootcamp. But I can't. Because what I did was give up and go home. I decided I needed time to think and sort through my emotions. It felt terrible walking away though. I sent Kelly a text telling her I hated myself right now and it was true. I hated that I wasn't strong enough to face my fears. I hated that as soon as I don't feel safe that I turn and run. After a lot of contemplation, I think safety is at the core of it. Everything I have done so far has been safe. I always talk about how Curves is a safe environment for me, that I love. Dancing with the Wii at home with my blinds closed and the door locked was safe. Hell, even joining the bootcamp program I did was a form of safety, because it was a group of people who needed to lose a lot of weight and were there to make a change in their life. Going to bootcamp outdoors, with a bunch of fit people was not safe for me. There was a guy leading it who I had never met. It was outdoors in a very public (and popular) beach. 

I know why safety is an issue for me and that just makes it harder. I don't want my life to always stay in the safe zone. Always taking the safe, easy route hasn't done me any favours. It's what got me to 300 pounds.  I joined this program specifically to challenge myself. So why the hell was I letting myself cop out? I still don't know. 

The sad thing is that I was looking for an excuse the minute I woke up in the morning. I felt uneasy as soon as I agreed to go to today's bootcamp, I realize that now. I wish I had taken more time to consider it then because then maybe today wouldn't have shocked me so much. The sleeping in, bus mix up, forgotten water bottles and ankle wraps, miscommunication with Kelly.. all those were excuses and I knew it, and I was strong enough to not use those. But I clung on to "shin splints" and ran with it. Who makes it all the way down to an exercise place and then 30 seconds away from the group backs out? I mean really, it felt ridiculous at the time and now that I write it out it makes me shake my head.

What I do know is that I am not perfect. Today was a struggle for me, a big one. And while I am disappointed in myself, I am trying not to beat myself up over it. It's done. I can't change what I did or didn't do. What I can do is be proud of the little things. Those being old me probably would have used my bus transfer to get home and then watched TV or movies all day so I didn't have to think about my own problems. Instead, I walked the 4.6km home, made protein pancakes and wrote this painfully long blog. 

So for today, that will have to be enough of a success. Today I fought against my old insecurities and lost. Next time I won't. This morning was unexpected so I didn't have any tools to help me deal with it. Now that I've been through it once, I hope I can recognize it sooner.

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Surviving Spin

Phew! What a crazy, active day for me!

It all started at 7am, when Kelly and I left her place to go for a 8km walk. Of course, what was an insanely fast walk for me was the equivalent to an easy stroll for her. I can't wait for the day where I can keep up! And by that I mean probably have to jog beside her while she fast walks.

So an hour and twenty minutes when we get back to her place I am pretty tired and my legs feel a bit like jelly, but not overly so. So next on my schedule - a spinning class. I'd heard enough about spinning class that I had firmly decided I'd try it in another 15 pounds or so, once my legs were stronger. In fact, I had "survive a spinning class" on my list of fitness goals(meant for the future). But then a friend told me she was going to the 9am class and that I should join her. Since I didn't have anything else to do at that time, I didn't have any reason to say no. So I went. And I'm writing about this because I don't ever want to forget the feelings I felt during and at the end of the workout. It went something like this:

9:05: look at me go! I'm doing it! And the instructor seems pretty nice.
9:07: turn the tension UP? This instructor is mean.
9:10: OMG, only 3 more minutes have passed?? How can I possibly do this for another 30 minutes?
9:15: I am seriously tempted to give up. The walk with Kelly before hand did me in.
9:20: at this point, some writing on the wall caught my eye. It said "No F-ing Around." All the sudden I was getting flash backs of all those times I had given up or given in. I rationalized myself into thinking my excuses to not do something were so legitimate that they couldn't be considered excuses but just the truth. And that got me to basically 300 pounds. I am done "f-ing around" with my life and my health. The next time the instructor tells us to turn the tension up, I do it willingly!
[insert 10 minutes of working so hard I am pretty sure there's a puddle of sweat underneath me]
9:30: I am still not "f-ing around," but I am slightly worried that if I go further on either side, this bike is going to tip over. Also, OW.
9:35: seats off? This should be interesting. I'm excited for the challenge! If I could just get this bloody seat off....
9:37: I never thought I would miss sitting on that hard, uncomfortable seat so much! Can we be done yet? I'm sure it's already 9:40 on someone's watch!
9:40:  YYAAAAYYY! I MADE IT! I'M DONE! I'M SUPER WOMAN!
9:40 and 30 seconds: wait, we're doing ab exercises on the floor now? Crap.
9:45: what is this mysterious thing they call the core and why do I seem to have NONE. I'd like to get back on the bikes now.
9:50: I did. I made it. And what's that... I enjoyed it?!?! I must be crazy because I'm already looking to see when the next spin class that fits into my schedule.


The second best part of my day was seeing this number on my pedometer when I got home:

Yup, I had walked (/spun) over 20,000 steps before 11am. The best part of my day? Hands down the incredible endorphin high I've been on all day. I don't know if I can do this much activity every day, but hey, why not? I could definitely get used to this happy feeling.

I just hope I can walk tomorrow because no matter what I told myself that I'd be getting a circuit in at work. *Fingers crossed*

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Protein Pancakes

I had the best breakfast ever today. Protein pancakes, banana and peanut butter. Delicious! A picture of my breakfast:

The recipe:
1/3 cup oatmeal
1/3 cup cottage cheese
1/3 cup egg whites
splash of vanilla

Whir with a blender til smooth (or use an immersion blender). Cook just like a pancake. Hot pan, quick spray of Pam, flip when edges are dry and bubbles form. Top with berries or natural peanut butter and banana. You can make 3 smaller pancakes or one giant one.


And on Curves Complete, it's good for 1 fruit + 1 starch + 1 protein exchange! It doesn't match up perfectly but I did the caloric math and it's close enough :) Maybe I'll have it for dinner one day and add some turkey bacon for another protein.. oh the possibilities! 


I cut a small banana into thin slices for mine, but next time I think I'll stick with fruit on top. They were actually a bit too filling with the PB, believe it or not! I had them 2 hours ago and still feel full! 

This picture is from where I got the recipe from :) Looks so good eh?? 

People were talking about it after bootcamp and I am so glad I tried them! I can definitely see this becoming a favourite. I think this weekend I'll make up a bit batch and freeze them to have them for days where I don't have time to make the individual batter. The reason I love these so much is that is didn't taste like I was having "diet food." It tasted like I have having pancakes. Yummy, tasty, wonderful pancakes. Although I bet they tasted even better to me because I knew they were healthy, haha! 

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Warrior Dash

I did something today that I never imagined myself doing. I signed up to participate in the Warrior Dash! It's a 5km run/obstacle course that looks both crazy and fun. I'm going with the group of gals from bootcamp and I won't lie - I'm scared. But as much as I'm scared to do something like that, I'm also super excited because it's something I would never do on my own. Especially not at my current weight. Even if I had any interest in doing it, I  would have brushed it off as "something skinny people do." Not anymore. No more using my weight as an excuse.

So come August 4th, I will be one of those crazy people covered in mud and smiling like crazy! I've got a month to build up my fitness level and I am more than ready for the challenge!

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The next step

I am incredibly proud of myself today. I did two things that scared me:
1) Went to my first ever boot camp.
2) Made a commitment to continue with said boot camp for 3 months!


Boot camp is something that I've been thinking about for the last couple of weeks, weighing the pros and the cons. I love Curves, and it has (obviously) really worked for me, but I felt ready to take on a new fitness challenge. I wanted something more extreme to do on my off days from Curves, to push myself further. And man, will this push me! It was an hour and a half today, and I was both exhausted and energetic after we finished. Exhausted because I pushed myself SUPER hard. Energetic because I impressed myself multiple times during the workout. For our "break" of running around the block, I managed to stay jogging for the entire time. I didn't stop to walk ONCE. Even though I had a stitch in my side, I pushed myself. And then at the very end of the workout, when we ran around market square (up, down and across!) I was actually at the front of the pack. I got two rounds in! 


It makes me proud because even though I am heavy, I think I'm more fit than I realized. Thanks to Curves, I have really strong muscles that will only get stronger! Especially my arms, I love those arm machines. What I really need to work on is my legs. Those lunges and squats, phew! Also, planks. Those are a mean, mean invention. 


Something random but super exciting. I took some pictures today, intending to use them to see how big the difference would be after 3 months of Curves Complete and boot camp. It's fun to see just how far I've come as well! There are 13 months of hard work between these pictures :)

                               

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Making a mess in the kitchen

Today was a tiring day, but a good one! My entire evening revolved around a recipe, haha. I decided that I needed to be more adventurous with food so I went to pinterest for ideas! The end result: falafels, tzatziki, kale chips, pita and cucumbers!

I decided to go with photographical evidence, otherwise I'm not sure my Mom would believe that I ate this :) 

The falafel mix was so delicious! Took me an hour and half to get the recipe right though. Recipe can be found here. 

The falafel's all cooked and ready for eating! :) They were so filling I could only eat two!

Homemade tzatziki! I forget how easy it is to make! And by using fat free greek yogourt and light sour cream, I can classify it as healthy :)

Thank you SO much Jenn for this delicious recipe for kale chips!  Lay bite sized pieces on a cookie tray, drizzle some olive oil, add a bit of salt and bake at 350 degrees for 5-8 minutes. Yum!!

It's a good thing I liked those kale chips, because Fairway has a sale right now.. 3 bunches for $2. Hence the bouquet of kale. Off to google more ways to eat/cook it!

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The Munchies

This week of 5-6 hour sleeps is catching up to me. I can *really* tell when I haven't had enough sleep. I didn't quite have it right when I said I thought I'd get the munchies today. It's more that no matter what I eat, I feel like I need to eat more. Bottomless pit syndrome maybe? I've known for a while that there's a connection between sleeping and weight loss, based mostly on experience. Today I decided I needed to build upon my knowledge, so I consulted google. I felt really smart when I realized the connection less than two paragraphs in. Hormones! Yes! Of course. I learned all about those frustratingly-hardly-ever-"normal" beauties during my Curves Complete certification. More research confirmed what I suspected - leptin and ghrelin are the ones to blame.

A brief teaching break here:

Leptin is produced in our fat cells and sends the signal to the brain when you are full. Ghrelin is produced in the GI track and is what stimulates our appetite. 2 guesses as to what happens when you don't get enough sleep? Yup, leptin goes down and ghrelin goes up.. aka you want more and more food and you don't feel as satisfied after you eat. So while I am sitting here with my tea, fighting the urge to snack every hour, it feels nice to be able to curse at my hormones.


Another interesting fact from I know from Curves Complete.. when people are obese, they have large amounts of leptin (makes sense right?). You'd think that would mean the brain would be told we're full sooner. But what happens is that we obese folk can build up a resistance to leptin, similar to people with diabetes and insulin. So instead of telling the brain it's full, the body just says "Bring it on, I'll make room in the stomach somehow!" Now of course, it is far more complicated than just leptin levels and there are many other contributing facts, but it's still interesting. And annoying. Of course, now that I've finished writing this, I found a pretty decent article that doesn't use frustratingly long medical jargon. If you're interested in this topic, feel free to read more about it here.


Ok, off comes the teacher hat.


So now that I'm done complaining, what am I going to do about this? For starters, get more sleep. I need a plan, I do better with plans. It's harder because I don't get off work until 8pm, so I'm home around 8:30 and it takes me half an hour to wash my tupperware from the day and prepare food for the next day. It wouldn't be such a problem if I didn't have this one 6am shift during the week. So I can't just sleep in every other day. I'm a big fan of up at the same time every day. And by big fan, I mean my body loves it even if it takes weeks of will power to finally get into a decent schedule. I am also considering joining a boot camp for the summer, which has some 6am start times as well. So, ideally I will be a in bed by 9:30, awake by 5 schedule before too long. Going to bed that early is such much easier in the winter, when it's dark out by 6pm. Not that I'm complaining, I'm just stating a fact. 


I suppose the other thing I should mention today is that I had my weigh in. As I suspected, I didn't lose anything this week. Of course I had hoped I would, but considering I lost 9.5 pounds last week, I am not upset in the least. Besides, this is turning less into a numbers game for me. Yes, it is still incredibly important and I can't *wait* to see a 1 in the hundreds column. However, I refuse to let a number dictate how I feel. Yesterday I felt strong and confident. I still do today (although not totally strong as my abs are killing me from the workout I did with my friend yesterday afternoon). If I don't see a loss next week either, then I will start to examine things, but for now.. I am a healthy living life and enjoying it!

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Words Matter

There's so many things floating around my head that I want to talk about, that it's really hard to just pick one or two. I'm sure I'll get to all (well, most) of the things eventually, but it's surprisingly overwhelming to sit down with a blank screen and decide what to write. At least today it seems to be. I think it's easier to write when I have something specific going on, rather than just another normal day. Or maybe it's just easier to write when things are tough, and I need to sort through my emotions. Right now, I feel really good. Better than good even! I had a great day at work yesterday, good workout with a friend this morning, noticed my work out shirt is getting a bit too loose, registered for my last year of my B.Ed program (YIKES!), answered a bunch of the emails that have been cluttering my inbox. I'm feeling really confident right now. I think it stems from being in control with eating and fulfilling my commitment to sweat once a day. I still have some of those nagging feelings from my last post, but getting it all out in writing was very.. therapeutic I suppose is the best word. I wish I could bottle what I'm feeling right now and use it for when things are tougher. Sadly, no one has invented that technology yet.

On the topic of tougher times, one thing that I've been thinking a lot about today is word choice. And that the simple words you choose to you reveals more than you often know. Example A: "Last time vs this time." I've said it a lot over the past year, and probably already a lot on this blog. Last time I didn't ..."xyx" this time is different because... "xyz." Is there really a last time and a this time? Is there any benefit in segregating them this way? I always talk about weight loss as a journey, and a life long process. And that's something I believe in strongly. I worry that if I see it as separate times, it's teetering into that dreaded yo-yo dieting territory. First time, last time, this time.. it all leaves room for NEXT time. That's not how I want to see it. It's all a journey. There are ups and there are downs. I've learned a lot in the last 4 years. Yes, 4 years ago when I was starting this journey I had hoped I'd be at goal weight by now. But I wouldn't trade a second of these past 4 years. Ok, no, that's an outright lie there are many moments that I'd love to have done without. But I've learned a lot from those moments. Learned about life, or other people, or mainly myself. I've learned a lot about myself since starting this journey. So from here on out, I refuse to see the years where I gained back weight as a failure. There are a time in my life when things were tough. I know some of the reasons why I gained the weight. I'm sure I'll talk about it more as the year progresses. In fact, I think it will take some serious analysis of those years "in between" to ensure that I stay on the healthy train. 


Argh, see even that. Healthy train. A train is something you can get on and off of. That tells me that there is a still a part of me that is struggling with this. Even though I know how much happier I am when I am being healthy, there's a part of me that doubts. I suppose it's because I've spent way more years being unhealthy than being healthy. Thankfully, the voice is getting quieter bit by bit. Curves Complete really stresses how powerful knowledge is. By learning about food, behaviour and exercise, we naturally will make better choices. Knowing we have the power to change makes US powerful. Thanks to the courses I took to become a Curves Complete Coach, I am so much more knowledgeable about food, exercise and behaviour. I need to remember that. Because it matters. The more I learn, the easier it is to make the healthy choices. When I first started this journey, I was completely dependent on Curves for exercise and counting points (Weight Watchers) for food. Now when I reach for snack, I often think, "Hmm, where am I getting my protein?" 


And now I am off to bed because I am up in 6 and a half hours for the 6am shift. I *need* to get better at early to bed, early to rise during the week. These one off days of early rising are not fun. I hope I don't get the munchies too bad! Hmm, maybe that's what I'll blog about tomorrow.. the connection between sleep and eating. :)

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Why are we nicer to strangers than we are to ourselves?

Today has been a day of conflicting emotions for me. I went up to Duncan for a meeting with about 20 other Curves staff from all around the Island. Which was great, it was neat to see what other clubs were up to and get some tips for our own club. It reminded me that Curves is a career choice for a lot of people. I've only ever had endless streams of student jobs. It hit home to me today that if I wanted to, I could probably stay with Curves for a while. Turn that into a career if I wanted to. I'm not saying I want to do it, but it just made me feel like I am actually an adult. That I do actually have choices. And pretty soon, when I'm graduated in a year, I'm going to need to have some plans for that. Brings up lots of thoughts.

The downside to today was it brought back the whole whammy of feeling not good enough. I was the youngest person in the room by probably at least 10 years and I kept thinking "What am I doing here? What do I have to offer that might possible match these people, with their years of experience?" Reflecting on it, it's really hit home how much I need to work on how I talk to myself. So much negative self talk, which only leads to self sabotaging and beating myself up. With my members at work I am always talking about how important it is to take time for yourself, to not expect perfection, to be kind. And I need to walk the walk. I am far better now than I was four years ago, that's for sure. Back then, I would have wallowed my sorrows in ice cream. More and more now, I am able to recognize when I am talking negative to myself. I used to go out for walks or exercise when I felt this way, but with my sprained ankle, I can't just go for a walk to clear my head. Which I suppose is making me face my emotions rather than hide from them. So I am doing what I can do, writing this, fulfilling the "do one thing a day that scares you." Which is putting my feelings out there, knowing that people will read them and know what's going on inside my head. Know that just because I'm smiling, it doesn't mean I'm happy all the time. Basically the exact opposite of everything I've done up to now. Which, come to think of think, is the point. What I was doing up till now didn't work. I ate myself into obesity and am now fighting tooth and nail to get my health back.

So, in full disclosure.. most of what I battled with today was "Can I really do this?" Now that I've put myself out there with this blog, I can't hide from what I'm doing. I've admitted to everyone that at my heaviest, I was 299.6 pounds. (No, we don't round up :P ) I've publicly announced that my main focus in life right now is to take control and become healthy. I have so many people telling me how proud they are of me, and how great it is, etc. etc. I did this on purpose, I knew what I was getting into. I plan on using this accountability when things are tough for me and my intrinsic motivation isn't enough. But I had moments today. Can I do this? Can I really only eat treats in moderation, for the rest of my life? Can I actually make exercise a priority, for the rest of my life? Will I ever to get to a point where it's easy? Where I don't feel the need to ground myself every time I am faced with a temptation? Am I inspiring those around me to also be healthy, or just unintentionally pushing them away? What happens if I fail? What happens if I succeed?

Those are pretty big scary questions for me. I can see myself dealing with the questions in one of three ways.

1. Pretend they are not there and just carry on with what I am doing. Eating as best as I can and exercising every day. Not let myself worry about it.
2. Get so stressed out and put so much pressure on myself that I give up.
3. Recognize that these questions are important and that I do need to give myself time to process them. But at the same time, not worry so much about it. Continue with what I'm doing and deal with things as they come. Not try to tackle all the battles at once, just because I feel strong right now.

Past me would have told myself that I was choosing number 3, but in reality would deal with it in one of the first two options, or more likely a combination of both.

Current me? I can confidently say that number 3 is the only option for me. I'm done with pretending my issues don't exist. I'm done with the excuses, I'm not giving up this time. Yeah, it's hard. But that's life. Life is supposed to be hard. If it wasn't, we wouldn't be able to cherish the good moments so much. I am taking each day one at a time. There is no point to worrying so much about what future me will do that I lose sight of the present. Instead, I will spend 20-30 minutes at night preparing my food for the next day. I will continue to blog on here. I will be brave and reach out to others, talk about my feelings and learn from others.

So, I am asking those reading this to do me a favour. Think about how you much negative self talk you do everyday. Would you ever let someone treat your best friend like you are treating yourself? How do you remind yourself to be kind? How do you stop being so hard on yourself? Please share your thoughts with me. Either through text, facebook, commenting here, however you want to talk to me. Because I'm looking for some better strategies.

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”

Buddha.

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Cleaning House

I love the weekends. Especially this weekend. Usually I find weekends hard to stay on track, especially with drinking enough water. But the past two days have been fun, relaxing AND productive. Love these kinds of weekends. Today has been all about organizing and cleaning. 4 hours of cleaning and 4 loads of laundry later... I still have at least another hour to do tomorrow, haha! My favourite part of cleaning today, though, was going through my closet and getting rid of all the clothes that didn't fit me.

 The ones that didn't make the cut:    

                          

(Don't worry Nana/Mom, I folded them all nicely afterwards)

This made me insanely happy. I used to wear this as a shirt. Then with leggings. Now I've lost so many inches along my bust/waist, it was no longer acceptable for anything but the donation bin! 

So empty now!!

After the theraputic shedding of baggy clothes, I couldn't help but think about what this past year has meant for me while I finished cleaning the house. I also came up with some great metaphors for how living a healthy life is just like cleaning. More on that later though. I am headed to bed because tomorrow morning the Curves staff is taking a road trip Duncan for more training on Curves Complete. I'm really looking forward t o it!

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My Can's

I'm probably a bit over halfway through reading Brianna's blog, when I came across her post about her list of "I can't, but I can." It really hit home for me right now because I finding myself increasingly frustrated with my sprained ankle. I kept telling everyone it's "super minor" because it feels fine to walk on, but everyone (including the doctor) always retorts with "that means you have to be extra careful" because that's when we do too much and make it worse.

It's frustrating for me because I want to be super active, but I am so concerned about over doing it and then not being able to get back to dancing/Curves/hiking until the end of the summer. :( I have been doing well this week by focusing on my food, reading various articles/blogs and starting up this blog so I have something healthy to focus on while I'm not at work. But now that it's been a week I can't ignore the antsy feeling any more. All I want to do is go hike up Mt Doug. I want to go and sweat for hours. I want those endorphins! But I can't. At least not doing the exercises I want to do. So, inspired by Brianna's post, I have decided to make a list of my can's.

I CAN still walk, although taking it one step at a time and listening to my body. I walked around for probably 25 minutes yesterday, plus being on my feet more at work, and my ankle is feeling ok. I'm going for a 20 minute walk to starbucks in an hour, and then another 20 back, and if I'm still good then I'll start building up my stamina/strength.

I CAN use an exercise bike (according to google). Thankfully, my friends who have one are graciously letting me use theirs. They are back from the mainland on Monday, so I'm going over Monday after work to sweat in their basement. I am so excited for it! I can't wait to feel my muscles screaming at me again.

I CAN swim, as long as I put those floaty things on my ankles to stop me from kicking. The frustrating thing is that I have discovered I'm either allergic or sensitive to chlorine due to doing swimming/AquaZumba 3-4 times a week while I was in school. Both Esquimalt and Pamarama apparently are salt water pools, so I can go there, but they are fairly long bus rides away. For now, I think I will put the idea of swimming on the back burner and if in two weeks I still can't do all of Curves, I will think more seriously about shelling out the money/time.

I CAN still do the upper body machines at Curves, which I have been doing. I just can't bounce on the boards, so I'm not getting the cardio I need/crave.

I CAN do crunches at home. These are not my favourite activity to do, but I might force myself to warm up to them.

I CAN do some of the exercises on Wii Sports. I remember working up a good sweat with boxing! Unfortunately, my Wii didn't come with it, so I have put a plea out on facebook to see if someone has it and will let me borrow it. *fingers crossed*


I CAN do ankle strengthening exercises so that I'm less likely to resprain. Writing out the alphabet with my toes makes the teacher in me giggle every time.

I CAN be thankful that I am getting frustrated with staying off my ankle. It reminds me that fitness is something I actually enjoy, and that I'm not just doing it because "I know it's healthy."

I CAN still focus on my food. Because I am not burning as much, I'm being more careful than ever and filling up on lots of fresh veggies/fruits. I'm also tracking everything again, which helps me feel more in control.

I don't think I'll lose much (if any) weight this week because I barely exercised and lost so much weight last week, but I am still optimistic that I will make my next goal of 100 pounds gone! I also have to constantly remind myself that this isn't just a number's game. I will not be a slave to the scale. I am doing this to be healthy and take care of myself. Injuries are a part of life, and I'm sure I'll have many more. By keeping a positive attitude, and focusing on the things that I can do, I will work through the frustrations. And look forward to the day where I can do the things I want to do.

(On a side note, I went to the Bryan Adam's concert last night and it was sooo much fun! Tomorrow's post will most likely be about how exciting it is to celebrate and stay healthy!)

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Choices

Every day I choose to be healthy. Every day I make choices that will help me reach my goals. Every day, I also fight against the little devil on my shoulder telling me "one bite won't hurt" or "quick - no one's watching eat now!" I used to feel so out of control when it came to my life. I was just going through the motions, telling myself being crazy busy was just a way of life and that I couldn't do anything about it. If I slowed down, I'd miss out on opportunities.

Well, I've finally listened to all my friends who told me to slow down! And man am I loving the benefits. The funny thing is, I don't feel like I'm missing anything. I made the choice to get healthy again last summer when I sat down and made a 3 page summer to-do list. I decided my reward, should I finish said list, would be to buy myself an iPhone. Best motivator out there, as my roommates last summer could tell you. I made so many changes that I am proud of. And all stemmed from the choice to put myself and my health first.

Making health a priority has been a series of choices ever since. From big things like moving to a new place to little ones like parking further away from the grocery store. I've made it a goal of mine this month to make at least one good choice a day. By that, I don't mean the simple ones like measuring out food because for me, that is already habitual. I mean when I am tempted to get a spoon and have some peanut butter and honey "because I deserve it," I choose to walk away instead. Or when my parents are driving through a Tim Hortons I choose to order a hot water (I always carry my favourite tea with me now) and don't touch any of the timbits my dad bought, no matter how much they are screaming at me. I remind myself why I am doing this and of how far I've come already. These good choices are not easy to make, but I find the more I make them, the easier they get.

Control freak as I am, I often get a thrill when I make a good choice. It reminds me that *I* am in control of my life and my actions. Not food or anyone else in my life. Me. Often that thrill is enough to over power what temptation is shouting at me. When it's not, I'll reach out to my support system. Whether it's someone who will remind me that I am in control of my choices or someone who will celebrate my success (no matter how small it may be).

In the spirit of good choices, I thought I'd make a list of some of the ones I am most proud of over the last year:

• Facing the music at Curves and Weight Watchers and signing up for the second time, 70 pounds heavier than when I left 2 years prior.
• Admitting to my family that I needed help financially to meet my goals.
• Changing jobs from the daycare to Curves. I knew it would be a good choice but it was still hard to leave the job I loved and the people who inspired me every day.
• This one is by far the biggest... moving out to a new place. It has cost me dearly financially to leave the townhouse but I needed to be in a better environment. I still remember the first time Nicole made brownies and she put them in her room because she didn't think it was fair to leave them on the counter. It honestly made me cry because I had never before lived in a house where junk food was not always there, always one slip of will power away.
• Waking up early every day to either go to Curves or swim before my 10am classes. 
• Making my lunch for the next day every night. It only takes me a few minutes to make my salad and pack snacks, and it makes me so good knowing even if I wake up super late I will still be eating healthy the next day.
• Becoming a Curves Complete Coach. Every time I sit down with a member and we discuss their week and set goals for the next, I feel refreshed. It also keeps me accountable because I don't want to let them down! 

And here are two choices that I'd like to make routine in my life in the next month:

• Stop licking the spoon clean. Or knife or bowl. It is extra calories that I don't need to fuel my body, so why do it? I stop myself about 50% of the time, but often it's just so habitual to do it I forget that I can make the choice to not do it. I want to change that around so I don't even think about doing it.
• Wake up early and get dressed for the day right away, even if I don't work till 1. Once my ankle heals, I am planning on going for hikes or dancing again. Sweat for at least 30 minutes before work, every day. I find getting dressed makes me feel like I need to move and get stuff done.

So my challenge to everyone reading this.. make at least one good choice today. Tomorrow, inspire someone else to make a good choice with you. Make a choice that helps you to be a healthier, happier person. We all know we need to make good choices, but when you feel yourself start that internal battle with yourself "should I, shouldn't I." Chose the healthier option. Take back control because soon enough those small good choices will add up. And trust me, it is worth it. WE are worth it.

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Recommitting

They say your 20s are all about self discovery and changing. I look back at the unhappy, unhealthy person that started University 5 years ago and I am amazed at the changes I have gone through. I've always been a fan of journalling and blogging and have probably 3-4 different blogs out there on the interwebs. This new blog is one I've created that pulls everything in together and will be the only one I use from now on. It's "Half Size" because it will be about my struggles and successes as I continue my journey to lose half my body weight. And it's "Teacher" because I am one year away from completing my B.Ed degree.

And yes, I meant to say completing B.Ed rather than "I will be a teacher one day." For anyone that kept up with my blog during practicum, it was obvious that I struggled. A whole lot. Yes, some of the reasons were outside of my control, but I still have to face the fact that I didn't enjoy teaching as much as I thought I would. I'm not yet sure if that's just because of the circumstances I was in, or if teaching in a general classroom is really what I am passionate about. I do know that I love sharing information with other people. I could talk about health and fitness until I was blue in the face. Some of my friends and family probably think that's all I talk about, haha! So whether I end up teaching in a general elementary classroom and teach families about healthy living through that, or specialize in it or whatever it is I end up doing with my life, I know that a huge aspect of my life will need to be sharing my knowledge and experience with others, and learning together. (Sound cheesy enough? :P )

I've been toying with the idea of creating a blog like this for a while. What really inspired me was a blog Kelly sent me that her friend has kept: http://briannawesthaver.blogspot.ca/. It was the jump start I needed! As I am currently sitting with ice on my sprained ankle for the morning, I decided it was now or never!

And as I have another 45 minutes before I need to start getting ready for work, this will be an extra long post! The following questions were stolen directly from Brianna's blog.

1. What is my primary weight loss/fitness/body change goal? 

Weight loss - don't have an exact number yet, because I haven't been under 200 pounds for a long, long time. In my head I have had 140, which would mean I would need to 160lbs in total. My fitness goal is to run up a mountain. My body change goal is the same as Brianna - to be able to confidently walk into a "regular" store and be able to buy anything I want and know that they will have a size that fits me.

2. What are my top motivations for pursing this goal?

To be a good role model and finally deal with my past.

3. What are my biggest areas of resistance to pursing this goal?

Money, time, and fighting ingrained unhealthy habits. Money because I'm still in university and can't just buy the things I want - like new clothes, bootcamps, or rewards. Time because I'm still in university and need to work. This past year the only reason I was able to do work, school, and weight loss was because I didn't volunteer at all. This year I will be volunteering in my practicum class during the year, so it will be tougher (BUT I WILL DO IT!). Ingrained habits because I've used food as a comfort for as long as I can remember. This past practicum was the first time in my life that I didn't turn to food when I was at my bottom, and that was HUGE for me. But it is still a constant battle.

4. What do I feel when I think about taking the steps required to achieve this goal? 

It is more than a little overwhelming, but for the first time I can actually see myself getting there. I know it will take a lot of hard work, but I have the tools and support I need. My support system is already great, and I know it will only grow as I do as well.

5. What do I feel when I think about the possibility of actually obtaining this goal?

It makes me tear up. I am so proud of how far I've come and I am excited to continue on. When I am at goal, I can see myself feeling strong, powerful and (it has to be said) sexy!

6. What do I feel when I imagine my body after obtaining my goal?

When I imagine my body, I imagine it representing the strength, determination and struggles that I went through. I will feel proud to walk into a room.

7. How do I think 'me on the inside' will feel when I've achieved my goal?

I am hoping I finally feel "good enough." Looking back now at the last few years (especially the last one), I have already changed a lot about "me on the inside" but I still have many issues that I need to face. I hope I continue to face the hard things and become a better person for it.

8. How would I feel if I were to abandon this goal all together and go on with previous life? 

I've done this once before. A couple years ago I lost 60 pounds then put it all back, plus 10. It felt horrible to be back at the starting point. I was more depressed last summer than I was before I started the journey years ago. But now, one year later, I see how it made me stronger. Last time I just ate healthy and exercised. I didn't spend enough time changing inside me. Now, I think about it a lot. And having "failed" once before, I can remember how disappointed I was in myself for erasing all the hard work I put into it. This time is different and I am different. 

9. If someone sat me down and told me that there its no way I'll ever achieve my goal, how much or little would I agree with them right now? 

I'm grinning ear to ear right now. Why? Because I was disagree 100%. I WILL achieve my goal. There is no doubt about that. Will I stumble along the way? Probably. But I know I have people by my side to pick me up. I have a lot of supporters, and don't have time to thank each one properly. But right now I need to give kudos to Kelly. Although I don't always appreciate her methods at first, I have become such a better person for knowing her. She's pushed me to confront those things I didn't want to. And been by my side while I've done it. I know that if I fall again, she'd be the first one to call me on it. And after I finished being mad at her (probably last a day max), she'd be there to help me get back on track.

10. What now?

I feel like I've started a new leg on this journey. I've lost 76 pounds so far, in one year and two weeks. It hasn't been easy emotionally, but at the same time, it hasn't been hard enough physically. This year, I want to make fitness be my focus. I want to see what my body can do! I have some plans floating around in my head right now, but I am waiting for a few more things to fall into place before I commit to them.

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