Honey, I've shrunk!

Just a quick update today:

1) Last week I went to some awesome goal setting sessions with my BW group that helped to reset my motivation. I committed to getting 15 work outs in by Dec 31st and since I'm already at 7, I don't think that's going to be an issue at all. Especially since my swim suit and goggles are already packed for my 9 days at home!

2) I went to start packing for home and found a pair of my old pants rolled up in the bottom of one of my suitcases. Naturally I had to try them on. It helps put everything into perspective!

Karin and I BOTH fit, each of us in one pant leg. How crazy it that!

I'm getting accustomed to my current size so seeing these pictures now remind me of how far I've come. I remember being anxious because they were starting to get tight on me and they were the highest size Addition Elle carried. That was a year and a half ago during my first practicum. This year, I'm reentering grade one with both a new wardrobe and an entirely different outlook on life. 

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Self Care

In about 10 minutes I'll be leaving to go visit my practicum class for the very first time! Hard to believe this day is finally here, it definitely snuck up on me. I was doing all fine and dandy until about 6pm last night when I started thinking about all the "shoulds."

I should have gone in earlier.
I should have volunteered in a classroom all semester.
I should have an amazing game to play!
I should look absolutely amazing to give a first impression.
I should seem really relaxed, and eager to be there.
I should, I should, I should.

Then the shouldn't...

I shouldn't show my insecurities.
I shouldn't have spent so much time working on myself this past week!
I shouldn't be stressing about this!
I shouldn't, I shouldn't, I shouldn't.

My mini stress freak out lasted about an hour before I realized what I was doing. I heard Brene Brown's voice in my head and tried to banish all the shoulds from my mind. I mentally shook myself, took some deep breaths, and reached out to a couple of my Ed friends who I knew would understand where I was at. This was the trouble I got myself in last practicum, getting so caught up in the worry that I forgot to enjoy where I was at. So, instead - this is the attitude I am going into the class with this morning:

It is for the kids. I'm not learning how to prove that I'm the best student teacher, I'm not trying to impress everyone that I am magically as good as someone who has been in this career for over a decade. I am learning how to be the most effective teacher I can be for the students. I am learning how to navigate a stressful profession, build relationships, and never lose sight that I am there to inspire children to learn. This practicum is also to help me grow as a person and professional. I will not be perfect. I will make mistakes. Part of what I'll be learning is how to use my mistakes to grow and learn, rather than condemn and criticize myself. And that is OK. I'm at where I'm at and I am who I am.

Today is not about being perfect. Today is about meeting an awesome group of adults and children that I will have the privilege to learn with.

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Late Night Realizations

The result of attempting decision making at 11:45pm while trying to finish a paper...

OK, exercise next semester! Decision time! Biggest Winner, regular BDHQ classes, hot yoga,
UVic gym, dance classes?!? How can I chose? What can I afford?
Damn BDHQ for having such awesome Christmas coupons while I'm still in school mode.

Hey! Wait! Look at all the options I have!

OMG I feel like an athlete. I AM an athlete! I know I can do any and all of those things.
I want to do these things. This is the first time that's ever happened in my life.

Stress = gone. Whatever I chose, I'm just so happy to be where I am today
rather than where I was two years ago.

P.S. My guns are coming in nicely. Go me. 

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Vulnerability Hangover

Honesty. I've been thinking a lot about what that means for me in terms of this blog lately. I haven't posted much this past month because of many reasons. November is almost always a hated month by students, but my reasons were more personal this year. Truthfully, I haven't been writing because I am dealing with issues such as shame, vulnerability, perfectionism and all that fun stuff. Basically my life is just really messy and I don't like admitting it. It was so much easier to write in the summer when I was feeling great and happy and loving life. Not that I don't love life right now. I am still SO glad I am where I am. That I'm owning these feelings and these struggles rather than still pretending I'm happy, because it's what is allowing me to change. By being more aware I can move towards acceptance and healing. And not only that, but I'm so thankful that I have the privilege and opportunity to go through this. I've met the most amazing people that have inspired me to change, to be more aware of what I have and to find joy in the little things. But even though I love life, it does not mean I enjoy this process all the time. The reason I am posting about this is because it is my way of being authentic. Not just with those of you who read this blog, but also with myself. So that is my long winded introduction to what I wrote many hours ago but have been afraid to press publish:

Forewarning, I'll probably be quoting Brene Brown a lot in this post. And if the last few weeks have been any indication, she's going to be a pretty big role model for this next chapter in my life. But yes, a quote:
          
        "Definition of courage: Tell your story with all your heart."

I did that yesterday. In a room full of 30 of my peers. I shared things with them that I've only just starting talking to my friends and family about. About weight loss. And body image. Fat fear. Fat stigma. Fat acceptance. And it scared the crap out of me. Before yesterday I've never really shared my thoughts and opinions about these things out loud before. Only on the safety of the internet. 

From someone who spent much of my life keeping things on the inside, it was scary to just lay myself out. Talk about the things that I hold closest to my heart. I fully understand what Brene Brown meant in her shame video when she said after her first TED talk she had the biggest vulnerability hangover ever. I suppose I'm glad I did it. Even if just one other person in the class got something from it, or if it makes them think twice next time they see an obese person or student, that's all I can ask for. Looking back it's easy to think "oh I should have done this" or "I should have done that." But I'm trying really hard to come to terms with it. It is just hard because everything is new, uncertain, and well, vulnerable! I don't often share such deep things with other people. It's even rarer that I will reach out when I'm crying and ask for help. But I did that multiple times yesterday. And after each time I was so glad I did. It didn't erase the pain or the fear, but just sharing with someone else, and opening up.. that meant something. 

I'm reading Brene Brown's book called "The Gifts of Imperfection: Letting Go Of Who You Think You Are Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are." If there was one book that could sum up my entire journey so far, this book would be it. And that book is the reason I did my presentation the way I did. Because my whole life I've been afraid to share who I am with people, afraid that if they saw the real me they wouldn't like me. Maybe I didn't consciously think that way, but it was definitely always lurking under the surface. I've been scared to share some of those thoughts and feelings on this blog, because I don't know how people will take it. It feels weird to be sharing such personal thoughts in a world that really, I don't know all that much about yet. I'm scared that people will hear what I have to say and think "what does she know? She's only 23." But the thing is I feel like everyone has these types of thoughts, not just us young folk. And to quote another inspiring role model, "Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." It was really reassuring yesterday knowing that I could speak my fears to my mom, my sister, my friends and they were all there for me. 

So yeah. That's where I'm at. That's me. Imperfect. And super, super excited to see where my journey will take me. To see myself continue to grow. To see me challenge more limitations that I unknowingly set on myself years ago.

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Vulnerability, for realz

I wrote this post last night (well, this morning) and have thought about editing it but instead I'm choosing to post it entirely as is, because today was a fabulous day and I don't want that to influence what I wrote. Another post about today will come later.

You know what sucks? Figuring out the unhealthy ways you cope. Because once you see a pattern you can never unsee it. You can try to ignore it for as long as possible, but sooner or later you'll get tired of lying to yourself.

That's what happened to me tonight. I'm writing this from the warmth of my bed at 1am, when I should be fast asleep. But as I was just about to fall into a blissful sleep, my behavior lately flashed before me and all the pieces fell into place. It's been a long time coming and I don't know what I'm more annoyed by. The fact that it took me so long to see it or that now that I've seen it I have to do something about it. The cynic is me is saying I don't have to do something, and sometimes the best thing to do is not over think things. But that's just not my personality. And I'm not letting myself reason my way out of it this time.

I haven't been writing as much these past few weeks, and what I have been writing has felt like me grasping at straws. I felt like I'd come here, write some sort of motivational blurb about how I'd be getting my mojo back and then that feeling would last until the next time I had the opportunity to eat chocolate. Then I'd go back to kicking myself.

I've had to ask myself why? Why am I doing this all the sudden? I lost over 100 pounds and yes, the process wasn't easy.  I've been through a lot of ups and downs. But lately I could sense that this time was different. Looking back, I can see and honour that I'm dealing with thoughts, feelings, and issues that I've never before considered. So naturally when these came up, I went into default mode.

I stepped back from my friends and family.
I asked what was happening in others lives but found ways to avoid talking about mine in detail.
I told myself I was busy busy busy and didn't have time for anything.
I'd say that I needed to do something, but yet wouldn't make the time to do it.
I ate.
I ate in abundance.
I ate in abundance in secrecy.
And then tonight, the final piece of the puzzle, I spent over 2 hours watching random YouTube videos.

I don't know why but it was the hours on YouTube that made it click for me. I looked at the time when I closed my eyes and thought "why the heck am I wasting time on this again? I love my sleep."

Wham. Bingo. Crap. I'm in avoidance mode. I think it took me so long to clue in because there are noticeable differences. I was still exercising, I was still making mostly good food choices,  I was still talking with my roommates. I was telling myself I knew I had to deal with stuff but I think I rationalized myself into thinking knowing was the same as doing.

Because for all my talk of feeling "weird" lately I was doing very little to change it. I'd say that I wanted to go to counselling but then say I had no money or time. My favourite phrase lately has been "I'll do it December." But as much as I love school and think it is important, my life and health will always come first. I can't keep putting it off. I started reaching out a bit more this past week and no surprise that has made all the difference. I made the mistake of telling Kailey that I've been feeling disconnected with my friends and support system lately. Cue the long phone messages giving me grief for not calling her :P But after a long talk with her, a Kelly smack down last night and then a quick chat with Caroline tonight, I am feeling much stronger.

I am at a really interesting point in my life because I am striving to be this person who models healthy living, who feels balanced. I am trying to be a success story, as finished. But I'm not there yet. And worse, I am realizing I will never be there. I will never be perfect. Even if I have years of therapy there will always be something I struggle with.

This blog in some way magnifies that because I am literally showcasing my life to whoever is interested enough to click on it. I'm trying to be this healthy, whole person someone can look up to and end up feeling like a giant fraud. I am wanting to be vulnerable and honest, but I'm constantly thinking how much info is too much? What should I keep hidden? There are parts to my story that I have to either go all in or avoid altogether. The problem is I don't have all the answers. I don't know if it would be best to post it on here or not. I could never take it back. So what to do?

I've avoided writing lately. Which is hard because it's been my greatest outlet my whole life. When things got tough or frustrating, I'd write. A lot of people in weight loss transformations talk about how exercise is a way to cope with emotions. With me, it's writing. Exercise helps yes, but when it comes down to it I need to write. I haven't been lately. Not in here, not in my personal journal, not even in my inquiry journal. Part of me wants to defend myself and say I've been too busy with school, life and trying to be healthy. But when I really look at it, it's because I was in avoidance mode. And when I'm in that mode I can't think straight, I can't do anything but feel frustrated. Thanks to the wonderful people in my life (and yes to my own strengths as well), I can see the light at the end of this tunnel. For the first time in weeks I felt drawn to writing and the words have just tumbled out faster than I could proof read. I feel like this post is a bit all over the place but I don't want to change it because it's the truth. I'm a little all over the place right now. And that's ok. I'm never going to stop growing and changing. I'll be that person I want to be one day. And by the time I get there, I'll probably have even more changes I want to make. It's freeing to realize that. Because that means I can take things day by day and trust that everything will work out.

I'll end with this: Hi, my name is Susie and I'm a recovering perfectionist trying to learn patience and moderation.

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A formal comparison

It's been a little while since I've posted anything, mostly because my thoughts right now are just too all over the place. For once, I'm not in the head space to write! Instead I will share some pictures. I moved out of my parents house over 5 years ago.. but I only just went through all the stuff I had left there. It's been quite a process and my poor parents were left to deal with everything I didn't keep (sorry and thank you again!) There were lots of great moments sorting through my life, but I think the best was finding my old grad dress. Needless to say I had to try it on... the results were too shocking to not share.

There was no way it would stay up without me holding it! It was a tent on me.

After I took my old dress off, I saw my sister's and thought "There's no way. None. Absolutely not. But ... maybe?" I was literally shaking with anticipation when I unzipped the bag and put the dress over my head. Then I reached around for the zipper.. and it went up.. and up.. and up - until it reached the top!! It fit. I won't lie.. I think I shrieked and did a little happy dance. When I ran downstairs to show my parents my Dad snapped this picture of me:

End of high school vs nearing the end of University. The second picture is a little blurry but what gets me teary
eyed is seeing the difference in my smiles. And perhaps the awkwardness of never knowing to do with my hands. :)

Looking back at that moment makes me shake my head in wonder. I am still in shock that it fit me. I remember seeing Terri wear this dress back when she graduated and thinking she looked sooo beautiful. Well the dress fit me, so obviously I'm close enough to the size she was. Why do I pick myself apart? Lately I've been looking in the mirror and scrunching my nose at my body. The lower stomach. The stretch marks. The thighs. The jiggle. The back roll.

I want to start being kind to myself again. These pictures have reminded me that I've come SO far. And that I am actually proud of my body. I do love it. Even when I'm picking it apart, there are certain things I can't help but notice. My small waist, the beginnings of definition in my arm, the proof that squats are in fact making a difference to my butt! But more than that, I love what my body for what I'm able to do with it. I can do multiple boy push ups. I can use the yellow kettle bell now. I can run 30 minutes without stopping. I ran a half marathon! I'm using the nutrients from my food to build stronger muscles all over my body. I can give great hugs. These are the things that matter to me, far more than any number on the scale or "small" body part.

I'm going to remember this tomorrow when I see the "damage" of what a week of indulging leads to. Last week a friend of mine wrote a post about taking away the scale, I am tempted to do that as well. Add it to the list of things swirling around in my head I suppose! To deal with in December once school is done. For me, the goal these next two weeks is to survive and to maintain.

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I promise...

Earlier tonight I went to a goal setting session at BDHQ. There is something really special about being able to share your story with others and hear theirs in return. We set a lot of goals together, but the main one I am working on right now is my relationship with food. Of course I chose the big, open ended, impossible one to start off with right? The group thankfully helped me narrow down my goal to controlling the emotional eating that's been plaguing me lately.

So. My promise. Every time that I eat, I will write it in my food journal and include the reason why I am eating said meal. More often than not it is because it's time for food, but I want to be more aware of the mindless emotional eating that's been going on. I will do this for the remainder of the session (end of December). "Good" or "bad" I will write everything. I'm doing this because as things get crazier in the school year and even more stressful, I don't want to forgot about my long term health goals.

I also needed to come up with a strategic plan for peanut butter. Since earlier today when faced with an open jar of peanut butter, I conveniently forgot about all the reasons I wanted to live a healthy life, I knew I had to do something. One person suggested that I give up peanut butter until the session was over. I did actually consider that for a short time. I had done it before for two weeks so I knew it was possible. But realistically, peanut butter will always be a part of my life if I am living in a place where it is sold. It's not like juice, I love it too much to give it up completely. But I know there is no need for an extra spoonful or two every time I put it in my smoothie or yogourt. This is part of building a healthier relationship with food, which I know will be a life long goal. My solution tonight:

(Note the offending spoon I had yet to wash)

That's right. I defaced a jar of Adam's peanut butter. I'm hoping it makes me laugh every time I open it, but also reminds me of all the reasons I am only going to take 1 tablespoon from the jar. Taped around the jar are the following:

• Why are you eating this?
• You are strong enough to NOT lick the spoon
• Nothing tastes as good as being healthy feels
• You won't miss that extra spoonful and you definitely won't miss being obese
• Do it for the boots
• 1 tablespoon is ok though :)

A little extreme maybe but right now it is needed. I just thought of another one to add: eating a proper portion means it lasts longer. I'm all for getting my money's worth! I won't have a chance to test my new plan this week though, as tomorrow I'm headed off the Island for reading break. I am finally going to get quality time with my Granny, who I haven't seen in almost a year. It means I'm missing a weigh in and quite a few work outs at BDHQ, but I'd say it's more than worth it :) 

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10lbs lighter, but lightyears wiser

What a whirl wind week since my last blog post. To sum up my week:

1. Handed in a paper, take home exam, quiz, and did an in class presentation. All went reasonably well.

2. Won the 10 lb challenge! I will be getting my $199 back tonight I believe, but I'm not sure yet how much extra I'll be getting. The $199 was split almost equally between a new pair of boots, a dress, and a pair of jeans. It felt a little materialistic spending so much money on those things, but every time I put them on it makes me feel so good about myself. That for me is money well spent.

3. Went over to Langley for my Great-Grandpa's memorial service. Of course it was very emotional, but I did love getting to spend time with my family, even if it was under these sad circumstances. I also really enjoyed finding out more about my Grandpa's life. You forget that your grandparents had very full lives before you came around. It's made me want to connect even more with my grandparents still alive.

4. Have had some pretty interesting insights into why I'm feeling the way I am. More on that below.

5. Went for my first post-race run (outside of bootcamp) on Sunday morning. I ran for 40 minutes total, 7 minute warm up, 3 minute cool down.. and the 30 minutes in between.. I ran the WHOLE time. It's the furthest and longest I've ever run without stopping, which felt pretty good. I really enjoyed being out running again. While I don't always love the run while I'm doing it, I love the way I feel when I meet goals I've set for myself.

I think the reason why I haven't been writing this week is mostly due to the first point on the list. I've had to do so much writing for school the idea of sitting down and writing more was unappealing. Today though, I am ignoring the pile of homework that is calling my name. I've been inspired to write again after another great workshop through UVic.

This 10lb challenge impacted me differently than I thought it would. Now that it's over, I've been able to see why I disliked it so much. This last month has been all about losing weight.. Being "good" so I could get my money back. Yet funny enough, this was the hardest month I've had in a while in terms of cravings and food issues. I've discovered that while, yes, money motivates me, it does not do it in a way that I like. I started looking at food as bad again, and feeling so ashamed for eating "bad" food because I knew it wouldn't help me lose weight. Of course, me being me, as soon I told myself I couldn't have something, that was all I wanted. It became a game of dieting and depriving myself and I don't stand for either of those. I lost more weight when I focused on eating healthy than I did when trying to win this challenge. Now I know I can't blame this all on the challenge, I could have easily changed my attitude if I really wanted to. BDHQ stresses the importance of eating healthy and throwing those diet ideas out the window. But as soon as it became about money for me, it's like I had tunnel vision. I forgot about all the reasons why I was doing this and focused entirely on the number on the scale. 

That is why I never want to do a 10 pound challenge again. While there are still things about my body that I don't love, if I had to chose between losing another 40 pounds or being happy with my body now, I'd go for body love. Because my body image issues won't magically go away as I lose weight.

The other reason I don't want to do it again is that after my weigh in on Thursday, a sense of "I'm finished" came over me. All of a sudden I was back to huge portion sizes and treats all the time. I felt like I was done so I could take a break. So I did I suppose. The thing about "breaks" from healthy eating is that it seems to have the opposite effect that I wanted it to. Rather than being an "ahh, I can relax and not stress about my food choices" it made it worse. I felt physically sick from all the peanut butter, chocolate, and extra food. I felt bloated and lethargic. That quote is right.. nothing tastes as good as being healthy feels.

So from now on, when I think about dipping that spoon into the peanut butter jar or stopping off to pick up some ice cream, I will remember the following:

By embracing healthy living, I am choosing...

To be a better role model for my future students and children

To find out more about myself

To challenge myself

To prove how capable I am

To get the most out of life

To continually grow and push myself to be a better person

To feel good about my body

To be able to travel the world bursting with confidence

To share the importance of healthy living with those I care about 

And since I don't want to lie on here... for the boots. I can't wait until I can walk into any shoe store and pick out a pair of boots that will fit my calves. 

THOSE are the reasons I am doing this. Not for money. Not for a smaller number on the scale. Not even for the compliments. This journey is about reclaiming my health and getting to know who I am.

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Be Prepared

Today's weigh in just goes to show you never know what the scale is going to do. Even after my week of not so great eating, I managed to lose two pounds!! This happens sometimes with me. I think my body is just loving the consistent healthy eating and exercising, so even when I have "off" weeks my body still sheds the fat. Today's success means I just need to maintain this week to make the 10 lb challenge.. looks like new boots are coming my way! Now that the pressure is off to lose weight and get my $150 back, I feel much more relaxed. That doesn't mean I'm going to go crazy with unhealthy foods and take it easy all week though. This week is about going back to focusing on choosing healthy, nutritious, and yummy foods (which coincidentally usually correlates with losing weight). I'm confident that I will do well this week, largely due to spending a good chunk of my day today prepping over a dozen meals. My fridge and freezer are well stocked and I'm feeling back in the game.

I forgot to take a picture of the final product, but this was the beginning stage of
the  mushroom and quinoa soup  that I can't wait to eat for lunch tomorrow!

I love me some crockpot chili! It takes minutes to put together
and then 6 hours later you have 9 meals ready to go!

I love the "almost gone bad" section of the Root Cellar. $2.99 for a huge bin of strawberries that I will be eating in my smoothies and on my pancakes all week.

Slice 'em and freeze 'em... I haven't had moldy strawberries in a while
thanks to my cookie sheet and deep freezer :) One of the many tricks I've picked up this year.

What's life without treats right? You'll never guess what the main
ingredient is in these yummy brownies!

Black Bean Brownies.. another healthy way to enjoy my chocolate fix :) They tasted better than
I thought they would, which I am super happy about! The closest recipe I could
 find is this one. Michele's recipe replaced the sugar with 1/3 cup agave syrup.
These brownies are also gluten free. (Hey Brea, let's
convince Nana to serve these at the next family party!)

Using my weekend to prep food is really important to me. When I'm in classes and crazy busy, I don't have the time to cook every night. I felt like humming this song from my childhood while I made all my food:


Instead of plotting to kill a king, I'm killing the fat on my body? :) I love that I get to put in just a couple of hours and the result is a week's worth of meals - one of the benefits of cooking for one. I'm also super thankful for my BW group posting a lot of great recipes, because all them so far - super tasty! The week coming up is another tough one - a presentation, a paper, a quiz, a take home test and the hardest of all.. my great grandpa's service. I often memorize quotes to get me through a tough week.. however, this week is more materialistic than philosophical... "Do it for the boots!" I'm going to drink my water, get to my workouts and stick to my pre prepared meals. My emotions are not in control this week, I am.

I've realized though that life is so much easier to get through when I focus on how grateful I am to be where I am and to have the life I have. Not the most eloquent way to express myself, but my brain hurts from all the homework and recipe reading this weekend. I've gone through a lot of emotions lately and while I am not feeling at the top of my game, I know I have what it takes to meet my goals. Both in terms of weight loss and life in general. Great friends, loving family, a supportive BW team, and my own strength and determination. My downs are just as much part of the journey as the ups.

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A month to remember

As this month nears the end already, I can't help but look back. It's been a tougher month for me than I expected, but I have learned a lot. Specifically, I reminded myself how to get my motivation back when it starts to dwindle. The biggest thing for me is getting back into exercise, being sick for two weeks threw me way off my routine. Exercising always motivates me to eat healthier! I wrote these following "Steps Back" on Thursday after doing a 6am spin class:

Step 1) Purge house of temptation. The cliff bars have been given away, the peanut butter jar is empty and my roommate's ice cream has been moved to the big freezer so I don't see it every day.

Step 2) Forgive myself for this week. I can't take back what I ate, but it is my choice whether I beat myself up for it or not. I'm choosing to let it go and get on with life. Whether I gain or lose this week, or win this damn 10 lb challenge, really it doesn't matter in the long run. I know I'm in this for life, I enjoy being healthy and this one week will not make or break my journey. 

Step 3)  Sweat it out. Even though losing weight is 80% what I eat and 20% exercise, I'll be squeezing the 20% for everything it's worth. I'm going to BDHQ or going for a run Friday, Saturday and Sunday. No exceptions. (Oops, today I didn't do quite so well because I was incredibly sore from the back to back classes and 3 hours of dancing last night.)

Step 4) Deal with the emotions that led me to food in the first place. Save the hardest for last right? Writing about shame a few nights ago was the first step towards this. I'm taking two workshops through the counselling centre on campus and I think they will be a huge help. There's also apparently a nutritionist on campus, so I'll go see if they're any help to me. Part of me cringes at taking this time away from my homework, but let's be honest.. It wasn't happening before anyway. I know how much easier it is to focus when I have a clear head. Knowing that I'm taking these steps is already making things easier for me.

It also helps to get back on track by having an absolutely amazing night with your friends. Dress up, feel awesome, soak in the compliments and just feel good about life. Which was me last night at the last Halloween Pub Crawl with my Ed crew. I had a wonderful time, and I made healthy decisions every step of the way! I also offer picture proof of my milestone yesterday, fitting into Kelly's costume that she wore last year. Granted, it's a very stretchy costume, but I was and am still pleased beyond belief about it.

A comparison shot from last year... it's amazing what 12 months can do! So proud of us Kelly <3 

Love these girls so much!

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And then that happened...

3 huge milestones today:

7:05am: I discover that the towels at BDHQ now fit all the way around me, with even a little bit of overlap. That is the first towel other than my own huge ones where that has happened to me.

2:30pm: finally finished a unit plan that has been plaguing me for weeks. That made two days in a row of being incredibly productive with school work.

4:10pm: I fit into the same Halloween costume my best friend wore last year - when she was a size 10!! Holy freakout when did I did get so small?

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Eating through shame

My procrastination tactic of choice tonight: ted talks. Listening to such interesting, inspiring, and worthwhile presentations hardly feels like wasting time. In a post earlier this month,  Brene Brown's Ted Talk spurred to me write about my own vulnerability. I stumbled across her second video, "Listening to Shame" tonight and it really struck a chord with me.

I've been feeling so off lately, and not really being able to sort out the full cause. My emotions around this topic change multiple times through out the day. I'll have periods of feeling fine, and strong, 100% content to be where I am. And then less than an hour later I find myself frustrated that I *still* can't focus on school work, no matter how many times I tell myself to just do it. Brene's talk helped me to see the role that shame has with my two main worries right now: what do I want to do with my life and my weight loss.

Shame comes with teaching for a multiple of reasons. The main one being that I have this incredible fear of my upcoming practicum. I think back to my last one and still wish I did better. I learned a lot about myself, yes. But I also learned that in some ways, I wasn't quite as strong as I wished I was and that brings a lot of shame. The more I learn about teaching and what it entails, the less capable I feel. My issue is that I have no idea what to do about this shame. Talking about it in person is so hard for me. I can't articulate my thoughts or my worries properly. When I go to people who give me great advice, it's a double edged sword. Instead of making me feel like I'm confidently building a tool kit of strategies, often I feel frustrated that I didn't think of that already. Or that I even need the help. Or that even after I talk to them, I don't feel any better. My worries are still there and I'm left feeling whiny and insecure and at a loss of what to do next. I think it definitely comes from a fear of failing. I think it's also hard for me because of my weight loss. I used to push myself to succeed in school and volunteer efforts as a way to prove my worthiness. As if my straight As and community involvement would make up for the fact that I was so fat. Now that the weight is coming off, everything is different. I feel raw and vulnerable and I don't know how to deal with it.

I've had multiple people ask me "how I do it." How I have the self discipline to eat healthy and exercise. I never felt satisfied with the various answers I gave.. "I know how much better it feels to be healthy," "my taste buds have changed," "I just don't want to eat it anymore." None of it really sat right with me. Finally after tonight, I feel like I can give a better answer. It's because of shame. It's because to me, fatty, sugary "unhealthy" food represents a lifetime of shame.

Not being able to fit in seats on the bus, theatres or air planes.
Getting looks from strangers, feeling their unspoken judgements rolling off of you.
Having to sit in the very front row of my class in second year, getting an ache in my neck from looking up at the screen. All because I didn't fit in the seats we were supposed to sit in.. the old style wooden desks in the Elliot building.
Looking in the mirror and picking apart every roll on my body.
Dreading PE class, knowing that I'd be a sweaty mess and yet so far behind everyone else in the class.
Looking at pictures of myself and wishing I could look like I fit in with my friends.

That's a lot of power to give to a single cupcake. And I give it over without even realizing it. Even today. I had a wonderfully delicious catered dinner during my cross cultural class. Eating my plateful full of carby foods followed by a few bites of my classmate's leftover bake sale goods felt strange. I enjoyed it, and yet even as I was eating, I felt like I couldn't truly appreciate it. Looking back, I think it's because I felt so guilty for eating it. I knew my portions were too big. All I could think of was this 10 lb challenge and getting my money back. I also dreaded knowing I'd be writing this in my food journal and have a BDHQ trainer circle it with their red pen. In her video, Brene talks about the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt is so much easier to admit, because it's saying "I did something bad." Shame is "I am bad." I suppose when it comes to my over eating or choosing unhealthy foods, it has little to do with guilt and more to do with shame. I ate myself into obesity so now I feel like I have to eat myself out of it. And when I veer from the path, I feel an intense wave of shame, because I know it isn't getting me any closer to my goal.

Why do I let food have such power over me? I don't always. There are times when I eat unhealthy foods and don't feel any shame at all. It seems to be only when I'm feeling vulnerable or uneasy that I feel the shame. How frustrating that when I feel weak, I turn to crappy foods, which makes me feel more ashamed, which leads to craving my ultimate comfort foods.

How can I break this cycle? I can only imagine the sheer number of books and articles that must be out there on this subject. I know I'm not alone in feeling this way. But right now, I don't have the time to read any of them. I have 2 papers, a unit plan, a presentation, a reflection, and a quiz coming up in this next week. (And yet I can't motivate myself to work on them. Which brings another douse of shame. That's a whole other issue to deal with.)

For myself, I think I'm beginning the process of breaking the cycle by acknowledging it, writing about it, and talking about it. Recognizing that I am giving my power away to a mixture of flour, sugar, and butter is annoying. Perhaps it's annoying enough to help me make the healthier decision. I know I need to explore this topic more though, with someone who can actually help me. I'd like to be able to have happier blog posts soon :)

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Two confessions

Confession: I have a problem with chocolate. I mean a REAL problem. It is one of the reasons I have a chocolate protein shake almost every day, because it fulfills that need for chocolate. But for the past three days it is literally all I can think about. Craving it, dreaming about it. And not one of those “I just need a little taste” either. No, I want a buffet table full of chocolaty  goodness. I want to gorge myself on them while wearing very roomy sweatpants.

I miss the days where I did just that without any of this accompanying guilt. I wish my metabolism wasn’t shot from years of eating like crap.  I can’t tell if my recent problem is being brought on by stress, emotions, PMS or just plain getting tired of being healthy all the time. It’s probably a combination of the first 3. But I guess I need to deal with the last one too. I’ve been getting antsy lately. I know I’m in this for life, I don’t ever want to go back to how I was before. But I am sooo longing to have just one or two days of how I used to be. Well, not even full days, because I do genuinely enjoy the foods I eat. But it’s been a while since I’ve had a real planned indulgent day and I’m starting to feel it. I’ve been indulgent at times.. extra little bit here, a glass of wine there, a sneak of chocolate twice… but nothing big.

“They” say that we’re supposed to have a planned indulgent meal once a week. “They” say that it helps keep you on track for the rest of the week. I know this but haven’t really been following it. Maybe that’s my problem.

It’s hard to let myself indulge because I’ve been scared to not meet this 10 lb challenge. $150 is a lot of money to squander just because my taste buds are being demanding. Right now I actually feel like I’m dieting and I don’t like it.

I am not sure if I’d do this type of challenge again. It seems the more pressure I have, the more I want to rebel. But really, who am I rebelling against? Sure, Lovisa, Michele, and the other BWs want me to succeed, but I’m only responsible to myself.  I really don’t like the extra pressure though. I’ve had more than enough of it between school and family right now. At the same time, having that pressure has helped me make better choices a bunch of times already. We’ll see how I feel in two weeks when this is over I suppose.

Oh, and second confession: I made two trips to the ferry’s dessert buffet table. All the treats are tucked away in a to go container in my suitcase. I have not yet decided if I’ll eat them tomorrow or not. 

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50 Posts, 50 Truths

In honour of this being my 50th post on this blog, here is a list of 50 things that I have discovered about myself, my passions, and the world in the last year.

1. I like cottage cheese, kale, spinach, pineapple, quinoa, edamame beans, and avocado. I'm even learning to like tomatoes! 
2. I am stronger than I ever thought I could be.
3. Sometimes, you just need to stop using google search.
4. Deep fried Chinese take out makes me feel like crap and is so not worth it.
5. My friends will love me, no matter what my deep dark secrets I think I have.
6. Everyone has issues - that's what makes people fun to talk to.
7. Sometimes a hug from a loved one is all I really need.
8. Never rent an apartment/house without a bathtub again (unless travelling).
9. Just because something says "low fat" or "organic" does not mean it's healthy. Read the nutritional label.
10. The people you love won't live forever, spend time with them while you can.

11. It's ok not to smile all the time.
12. It's ok to want to smile when you're sad.
13. The world will not end because I say no to something.
14. Everything happens for a reason. I believe that now more than ever.
15. When I'm upset or can't focus, exercise always helps. If I can't work up a good sweat, even a walk is better than nothing.
16. Sometimes you just have to sit down, shut up and do your work.
17. Taking ten minutes to sit and drink tea every day is not being selfish, it's necessary.
18. I like tea. A lot. Even more than I like hot chocolate (I know, it's shocking to me too. Laura and Terri, what have you turned me into?!?! :) )
19. It's never ok to judge someone, you don't know their story.
20. Everyone has weaknesses and insecurities, talking about your own doesn't make you weak, it makes you strong because you are doing something about it.


21. Food doesn't have to be the enemy.
22. I'm a lot happier when I say nice things to myself - and that makes it easier for me to enjoy life.
23. If something is important enough, you will find the money for it. I.E. boot camp.
24. It's hard for me to accept compliments. I am sure it stems from having spent every year before now never believing the compliments, or feeling like it didn't matter if I was nice or kind. It's getting easier but it is still something I grapple with.
25. It's ok that I don't know what I want to do with my life.
26. I want to travel. No, I *need* to travel.
27. I have an incredibly strong desire to learn more about the world. Our past, what's happening now, what our future will look like, how relationships work and people interact... I love it all.
28. I get so busy in the day to day of my normal life that I sometimes forget this strong desire until it comes back with a vengeance.
29. Focusing on too many things at once just leaves you tired.
30.You get what you pay for. For example, writing this while in the SeaWest Lounge on the ferry is totally worth the $12!

31. Talking to a friend or writing about my emotions feels a lot better than eating through them.
32. But it's still ok to eat a big piece of cake when I really need it.
33. I have too much stuff. Papers I'll never look at again, shoes I don't wear, kitchen utensils I can't even name. I'm slowly purging and it feels wonderful.
34. This is more recent.. Perhaps the reasons that I don't want to be a teacher are the the reasons why I really need to be a teacher.
35. Telling yourself it's ok not to be perfect is easier than being ok with not being perfect.
36. I compare myself to others, a lot. Sometimes I fall short and sometimes I feel better about myself. Either way it's something I want to stop.
37. I am very, very fortunate to have the strong relationships with my grandparents that I do have.
38. I will never go hungry or be homeless. I have my wonderful family to thank for that.
39. We need to teach ourselves and our children about healthy and sustainable living if we want to see any real change. 
40. If we keep living the way we do, we will destroy our planet.


41. I can go out to a nice dinner and not want dessert.
42. I can go to a birthday party (mine even!) and not eat cake if I don't want to.
43. Having a tiny piece of cake is better than looking at it longingly and gorging myself on something else later in the day/week
44. My favorite treat: soft serve DQ sundae with dipped chocolate coating. *drools*
45. "Fake it till you make it" with confidence... I'm making it. Definitely making it. :)
46. Blondes really do have more fun and I look pretty darn awesome as one. (Thank you Kelly)
47. I can fit into bus seats, amusement park rides, movie theatre seats and air planes comfortably.
48. Pinterest = both the best and worst thing for me.
49. When you don't think your presentation will go well, look cute. Then your classmates spend just as much time thinking about how awesome you look.
50. There is a difference between taking care of yourself and being selfish. I've become a better friend, daughter, employee and student because I put myself first now.

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An Appeal

Dear Body,

OK, I get it. You want rest. But was it really necessary to make me suffer through a stomach flu last week, have one day of feeling normal and then go straight into a cold?! We've got 3 major assignments, a 10 lb challenge to win, and an emotional weekend coming up.

Right now, you and me, not on the best of terms.

Remember how good we both feel when we eat healthy and get a good sweat on every day? If I promise to get lots of sleep and fluids, will you ensure we can get back to that as soon as possible?

Sincerely,

A frustrated and tired Susie

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Sweating it out

It's amazing to look at how my coping mechanisms have changed over the past year. Walking yesterday when I couldn't wrap my head around my assignments was perfect. It didn't take me long to figure out a few of the things that were bothering me most. Halfway through I felt the urge to write, so I sat down on the rocks overlooking the golf course and used the note pad on my phone. I wish I had brought my inquiry journal because it felt funny sitting there typing away on my phone, but writing seems to be my natural way of sorting emotions and it was all I had. I'll email it to myself and post it up here later.

Today was my first day back at BDHQ since the half marathon and it felt *wonderful.* I went in there telling myself I'd go only as hard as I could because I had done the half and was still recovering from my flu. And then I saw Michele was teaching spin... all thoughts of taking it easy went straight out the window. I spent the next hour sweating it out and pushing myself as hard as I could. Any time I wanted to give up or take it down a notch, I'd tell myself "if you can run a half marathon, you can sure as hell do this." The two highlights of the class were finally figuring out how to sprint standing up with no tension and for the first time spinning without a bounce for the whole time she told us to, every time. I can do it, it's just incredibly hard. Which I am guessing is the point. :)

It was exactly what I needed. I'm back at home now, finishing off my protein pancakes (hoping my stomach doesn't hate me later for it) and ready to go. I feel strong. No more whining for me. Too bad if I'm not feeling my assignments as much as I used to. They still have to get done and I need to respect my profs enough to put in my best effort.

So, next time I'm feeling off, I know step 1 needs to be get a good sweat up. Running, hiking, or an amazing class at BDHQ.. something that will make me feel strong and proud. These next three weeks are going to need to be my best - I will get all my assignments done, eat clean, exercise and with my left over time I'll do the meditation and "soul searching" that I want to do. And my reward at the end of this hard month? I'll get my $150 back from the challenge and get myself a cute pair of boots!

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Feeling a little lost

This has been a really strange week for me. On one hand I absolutely loved it because I met my BHAG (big, hairy, audacious goal) of running the half marathon and I've had a wonderful visit with Caroline.

See the smile.. nothing fake about it :)

On the other I am just feeling off. My routine has been thrown off by the long weekend and then getting sick with the stomach flu. I haven't had a good sweaty workout since running the half marathon nor have I had a day of my normal healthy food. I think both of those are contributing to my unease. Today is the first day where I finally feel like I have good energy again but now I'm trying to catch up on all the homework I delayed this week. I am feeling the pressure to get down the business.

The frustrating thing is the harder I try to force myself to work, the more lost I feel. I used to love putting together unit plans. Looking at all the ideas and activities, imagining it in my head, pouring over pinterest... I genuinely enjoyed doing the process. Now I try to do it and my brain refuses to co-operate. All I can do is think.. should I focus my lesson on this? Or what about this? What do I want to get across? What's most important? What really matters to the kids? What really matters to me? What do I *want* to teach?

And that's usually where I get side tracked and start thinking about my inquiry class. I love the class, I really do, but I'm finding it hard to get away from the reflexive and holistic thinking and just get down to business to concentrate on my homework. I realized on Wednesday that I am feeling this struggle between "who I used to be" and "who I am now." And it really bothers me because I want to dive into that topic, read, think about it, blog about it but I can't afford to do that right now. My school work is really important, and I actually like all of my classes and most of the assignments that I need to be working on. But what am I doing instead of unit planning? I'm signing up for meditation classes and blogging.

That's it, I need to clear my head and blogging for once seems to be making it worse not better. I'm going to walk around Cedar Hill golf course. Exercise + nature has never failed me before.

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Am I Worthy?

I'm scared to write this blog today. One of my profs assigned a Ted Talk with Brene Brown to watch for tomorrow's class. It has really hit home on some of the things that I am battling with most: vulnerability, worthiness, and shame. It's 20 minutes long, but absolutely incredible and definitely worth watching. 

This overlap between my professional development and my personal issues is starting to rattle me. It's as if I'm being forced to look at everything that scares me, whether I'm ready or not. I suppose not forced exactly, because I don't *have* to do anything I don't want to. But I strive to be as open minded as possible. And I really am loving this whole transformative inquiry process/class. In a way, it is the best source of validation for me. It validates everything I've been doing on this blog and through out my journey. It shows me that there are people out there who not only think about such things as well, but actually dedicate years of their lives learning about it. It was fascinating to hear someone "important" talk about the things I hold most dear.

Brene ended her Ted Talk with "I am enough." That's something I've always struggled with. In my first blog post on here I mentioned that by goal, I wanted to finally feel "good enough."

Over 65 people liked my picture on facebook of me finishing the half marathon. 26 left comments telling me I was amazing and inspirational. I have people telling me every day that I look great and happy and that I inspire them. So why don't I believe them? I mean, in some ways I do. There's no way so many people would be lying to me. But the old me is sitting on my shoulder saying.. why me? I'm not so special. I'm just over here, doing my thing. There are people out there who are doing incredible things.  Brianna has lost over 190 pounds and inspired I'm sure hundreds of people.. she inspired me to join BWs and start this blog. Chris has spent the better part of the year battling cancer and has done so with incredible strength, humour, and love. I can think of so many people out there that are better than me.

I think that's where my problem lies. The word "better." I wish the word didn't exist. No one person should be "better" than another. We are all here, we all contribute to this world. I am not better than any one person and no one is better than me. We are all on our own paths, our own journeys, and it is not my place to judge. It's not anyone's. What I'd like to believe in is inspiring people. I already do believe because my life is full of people who inspire me every day to be healthy, to smile, to enjoy life and be happy. One day I hope to say that I've kicked the habit of listing off all the people that I know that are "better than me." 

In the video, Brene mentions asking yourself.. am I worthy of love, belonging and connection? I know without a doubt that I am. But I didn't always. There were times where I didn't believe I was worthy of anything. There was a time in high school when I seriously considered hurting myself. I never did though, because of that last thing on the list.. connection. I had people in my life who loved me unconditionally and it saved me. Looking back now, it breaks my heart to see how sad I was because I was surrounded by people who wanted the best for me.. my family, my friends, my teachers. I'm not entirely sure how I got from there to where I am today, but I know it came through small, baby steps. It'd be a whole other blog post to talk about that. What I'd really like to get at is if anyone reading this feels like they are at a low, or feels like they are not good enough, or not worthy of love, belonging and connection... know that you are. You absolutely are. 

The last thing I want to mention is the subject of vulnerability. Brene talks about it a lot, and it had me thinking about what makes me feel vulnerable. This list seems so extensive:

• admitting that I'm wrong
• saying my faults out loud
• being in a situation that I've never been in before
• being in charge of a classroom
• talking to someone I look up to
• disciplining children/students
• thinking about what will happen after I graduate
• wearing tight fitted clothing
• flirting
• publicly announcing that I'm spending hours pouring over my own happiness and well being through these blog posts (sometimes it just feels selfish)
• blogging on here.. constantly wondering am I making sense? Is it too long? Does this even really matter? (Then I remember that I'm trying to stop caring what other people think and just keep typing until it's way past my bedtime/allotted break time)
• talking about this blog with people, face to face

She suggests that the happiest people seem to be those who embrace their vulnerability and believe what makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful. I could see that. My vulnerabilities are part of what makes me so unique. At the same time, it's also what ties me to other people because I can guarantee that there are many other people who have experienced the same fears and uncertainties. 

I don't really have anything super inspiring to end this post off with. I feel very raw right now and I'm not sure why. Physically, I'm feeling slightly beaten down between my poor post-half marathon sore muscles and this frustrating stomach flu which robbed me of my sleep last night. Emotionally... I'm still all over the map. But I'm happy with where I am at. 

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I will if you will

Was it really just two months ago that I declared I'd be running the half? It seems like forever ago Caroline and I promised "I will if you will." I am happy to say that we both DOMINATED!! We both killed our expected times of 3 hours. In my first post about the run I thought that I'd be running/walking "much behind" my sister and Care, but it turns out I wasn't that far off! Caroline did it in 2:24, Terri in 2:28 and I did it in 2:39. April and Joel killed it with 2:18, but I knew they'd be way ahead.

It was so fabulous being able to share the experience with some of the people that I love most.  I started the run side by side with my sister, ran with Caroline around Beacon Hill, heard April scream out my name around the turn around by Beacon Hill, and had friends and family cheering me on from the sidelines. So fabulous.

I'll admit, twice on the run I almost started crying. Not from pain though. From an overwhelming sense of pride and gratitude. 15 months ago I was 300 pounds. Yesterday I ran a half marathon. I've always wanted to be one of those fitness people. I love those success stories of people who used to be hugely obese and lost so much weight they were running marathons. I'd spend hours pouring over them, but never truly imagined I'd get there myself. It was always a kind of pipe dream. Not anymore. Now it's a part of me. A part I could never forget.

It was both overwhelming and amazing. There's no other way to put it. It also seems so surreal that it's over. I put a lot of time and effort into training and it all came together so well. I actually enjoyed myself on the run. Every step I ran felt amazing. The whole time I was smiling and loving it. Even towards the 17/18km marker, when I started feeling pretty tired, I kept going. By some miracle I even had enough energy left at the end to sprint to the finish. It was like as soon as I could see the "Finish" sign all the aches and pains went away. There was a big group of people in front of me and for some reason I decided my goal would be to finish before them. So I sprinted. And I passed them. I could hear the cheers around me, especially my mom's, and I felt incredible. As I leap over the finish line, I felt like I could do anything I wanted to. In the summer, 21km seemed impossible. All of us running and walking yesterday proved that it wasn't. All it takes is time, dedication and a great support system!

Caroline's parents managed to get the first post-race picture of me just after they put the medal over my head and I'm so curious to see what it looks like! Shortly after that, as I walked slowly towards the recovery tent full of food I heard Caroline call out my name. After the euphoric crossing of the finish line, that was probably the next best part of the whole run for me. Getting a huge hug from Care, even if we did have a fence between us! I was so, so proud of us. I am  also incredibly happy that I got to share my first half marathon with my sister. Texting back and forth about training, proper clothes, and general pre race jitters was fabulous. It feels great to be able to reconnect over health and fitness. There's another half marathon the day before her birthday in May... if we both keep up the training who knows what will happen? :)

Another huge milestone for me was my post run decisions. Thrifty's had an assortment of food ready for us... fruits, muffins, cookies, bagels. But I stuck with my big bottle of chocolate milk and some fruit. Partly I knew I had pumpkin pie waiting for me at home, but I honest to goodness had no desire for the cookies or muffin. I don't mean it as a gloat or anything, I am just so surprised at myself!

It seemed fitting that I did my first half marathon on Thanksgiving weekend as well. There's so much that I'm thankful for!

• My friends and family for supporting me on every leg of this journey. 
• Karin and Nicole, my awesome awesome roommates who put up with my whining and keep encouraging me. And to Karin who has been (and will continue to be!) an awesome running buddy. 
• BDHQ and the Biggest Winners program.. there's no way I'd be where I am physically without the incredible support and advice from all the trainers and fellow BWers!
• Brian (my sister's boyfriend) and his great tips. Waking up early enough to eat protein pancakes before yesterday's run made a huge difference I think. I didn't feel sick once on the run and had enough energy to keep going the whole time!
• My parents for coming over to Victoria to cheer us on in the run. Every time I'd see my mom's green sweater I'd smile. And grimace as well, since they always seemed to pop up during my walk breaks, so of course I'd have to run through them!
• My body.. I've put it through SO much in the last few years.. all the weight loss, and then gain, and now bootcamp and training for the run. It can't be easy on it. And yet it seems to love it. I'm in a little bit of pain today, but not overly so.

Did anyone notice me talking about my "first" race? Yeah... you could say I've got the bug now!! Karin and I have been talking about training together for the Vancouver half marathon in May. I can only imagine how much better I could be 7 months from me. Especially when I look back to where I was 7 months ago. I think my next goal will be to do it without stopping to walk so much. Maybe 10s and 1s instead of 4s and 1s? Or run the whole way except to drink water? I don't know everything that the future will bring, but I'm sure looking forward to it!!

And since I never want to forget this first race.. I took a lot of photos...

Picking up our race bags!

It won't let me flip this picture.. grr.. but my gu packs and running headphones all ready the night before.

6:25 am and I'm ready to run!

How gorgeous is Victoria? It makes 7am more bearable.

Before the race!

At the starting line.. it's pretty busy!

So cute.. Joel surprising April.. he'd been secretly training for months to run with her!

Caroline and I running together in Beacon Hill

Caroline running ahead. She'd be ahead of me while I walked.. then I'd run past her on my run.. for a few km, and then I slowed down haha!

Post race!! <3 

Two sweaty sisters.. so proud of us!

With Brooklyn, our cheering captain :)

Love this one of the 4 of us!

When I first looked at this photo, I was shocked. It looked like I fit in. I don't stand out in pictures anymore. I'm just another person, happy to be there. Best feeling in the world. I also started looking for other pictures of the three of us to compare. There were some awesome ones out there, but almost non with just us three, we always had Robyn, Emily, Trevor or someone else in. The one photo I did find had me snorting with laughter for a good minute. If you're friends with me on facebook, you should be able to see it here.  

Post race "glow" according to everyone on facebook. Me, I think it's just the sweat. But I was pretty happy :)

There's also a video of the finish line available online. I was able to see Caroline, Terri and I, but I couldn't find April and Joel, sorry! To see our finish, fast forward to around these times:

Caroline: 3:36
Terri: 3:41
Me: 3:51

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