Am I Worthy?

I'm scared to write this blog today. One of my profs assigned a Ted Talk with Brene Brown to watch for tomorrow's class. It has really hit home on some of the things that I am battling with most: vulnerability, worthiness, and shame. It's 20 minutes long, but absolutely incredible and definitely worth watching. 

This overlap between my professional development and my personal issues is starting to rattle me. It's as if I'm being forced to look at everything that scares me, whether I'm ready or not. I suppose not forced exactly, because I don't *have* to do anything I don't want to. But I strive to be as open minded as possible. And I really am loving this whole transformative inquiry process/class. In a way, it is the best source of validation for me. It validates everything I've been doing on this blog and through out my journey. It shows me that there are people out there who not only think about such things as well, but actually dedicate years of their lives learning about it. It was fascinating to hear someone "important" talk about the things I hold most dear.

Brene ended her Ted Talk with "I am enough." That's something I've always struggled with. In my first blog post on here I mentioned that by goal, I wanted to finally feel "good enough."

Over 65 people liked my picture on facebook of me finishing the half marathon. 26 left comments telling me I was amazing and inspirational. I have people telling me every day that I look great and happy and that I inspire them. So why don't I believe them? I mean, in some ways I do. There's no way so many people would be lying to me. But the old me is sitting on my shoulder saying.. why me? I'm not so special. I'm just over here, doing my thing. There are people out there who are doing incredible things.  Brianna has lost over 190 pounds and inspired I'm sure hundreds of people.. she inspired me to join BWs and start this blog. Chris has spent the better part of the year battling cancer and has done so with incredible strength, humour, and love. I can think of so many people out there that are better than me.

I think that's where my problem lies. The word "better." I wish the word didn't exist. No one person should be "better" than another. We are all here, we all contribute to this world. I am not better than any one person and no one is better than me. We are all on our own paths, our own journeys, and it is not my place to judge. It's not anyone's. What I'd like to believe in is inspiring people. I already do believe because my life is full of people who inspire me every day to be healthy, to smile, to enjoy life and be happy. One day I hope to say that I've kicked the habit of listing off all the people that I know that are "better than me." 

In the video, Brene mentions asking yourself.. am I worthy of love, belonging and connection? I know without a doubt that I am. But I didn't always. There were times where I didn't believe I was worthy of anything. There was a time in high school when I seriously considered hurting myself. I never did though, because of that last thing on the list.. connection. I had people in my life who loved me unconditionally and it saved me. Looking back now, it breaks my heart to see how sad I was because I was surrounded by people who wanted the best for me.. my family, my friends, my teachers. I'm not entirely sure how I got from there to where I am today, but I know it came through small, baby steps. It'd be a whole other blog post to talk about that. What I'd really like to get at is if anyone reading this feels like they are at a low, or feels like they are not good enough, or not worthy of love, belonging and connection... know that you are. You absolutely are. 

The last thing I want to mention is the subject of vulnerability. Brene talks about it a lot, and it had me thinking about what makes me feel vulnerable. This list seems so extensive:

• admitting that I'm wrong
• saying my faults out loud
• being in a situation that I've never been in before
• being in charge of a classroom
• talking to someone I look up to
• disciplining children/students
• thinking about what will happen after I graduate
• wearing tight fitted clothing
• flirting
• publicly announcing that I'm spending hours pouring over my own happiness and well being through these blog posts (sometimes it just feels selfish)
• blogging on here.. constantly wondering am I making sense? Is it too long? Does this even really matter? (Then I remember that I'm trying to stop caring what other people think and just keep typing until it's way past my bedtime/allotted break time)
• talking about this blog with people, face to face

She suggests that the happiest people seem to be those who embrace their vulnerability and believe what makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful. I could see that. My vulnerabilities are part of what makes me so unique. At the same time, it's also what ties me to other people because I can guarantee that there are many other people who have experienced the same fears and uncertainties. 

I don't really have anything super inspiring to end this post off with. I feel very raw right now and I'm not sure why. Physically, I'm feeling slightly beaten down between my poor post-half marathon sore muscles and this frustrating stomach flu which robbed me of my sleep last night. Emotionally... I'm still all over the map. But I'm happy with where I am at.