Vulnerability Hangover

Honesty. I've been thinking a lot about what that means for me in terms of this blog lately. I haven't posted much this past month because of many reasons. November is almost always a hated month by students, but my reasons were more personal this year. Truthfully, I haven't been writing because I am dealing with issues such as shame, vulnerability, perfectionism and all that fun stuff. Basically my life is just really messy and I don't like admitting it. It was so much easier to write in the summer when I was feeling great and happy and loving life. Not that I don't love life right now. I am still SO glad I am where I am. That I'm owning these feelings and these struggles rather than still pretending I'm happy, because it's what is allowing me to change. By being more aware I can move towards acceptance and healing. And not only that, but I'm so thankful that I have the privilege and opportunity to go through this. I've met the most amazing people that have inspired me to change, to be more aware of what I have and to find joy in the little things. But even though I love life, it does not mean I enjoy this process all the time. The reason I am posting about this is because it is my way of being authentic. Not just with those of you who read this blog, but also with myself. So that is my long winded introduction to what I wrote many hours ago but have been afraid to press publish:

Forewarning, I'll probably be quoting Brene Brown a lot in this post. And if the last few weeks have been any indication, she's going to be a pretty big role model for this next chapter in my life. But yes, a quote:
          
        "Definition of courage: Tell your story with all your heart."

I did that yesterday. In a room full of 30 of my peers. I shared things with them that I've only just starting talking to my friends and family about. About weight loss. And body image. Fat fear. Fat stigma. Fat acceptance. And it scared the crap out of me. Before yesterday I've never really shared my thoughts and opinions about these things out loud before. Only on the safety of the internet. 

From someone who spent much of my life keeping things on the inside, it was scary to just lay myself out. Talk about the things that I hold closest to my heart. I fully understand what Brene Brown meant in her shame video when she said after her first TED talk she had the biggest vulnerability hangover ever. I suppose I'm glad I did it. Even if just one other person in the class got something from it, or if it makes them think twice next time they see an obese person or student, that's all I can ask for. Looking back it's easy to think "oh I should have done this" or "I should have done that." But I'm trying really hard to come to terms with it. It is just hard because everything is new, uncertain, and well, vulnerable! I don't often share such deep things with other people. It's even rarer that I will reach out when I'm crying and ask for help. But I did that multiple times yesterday. And after each time I was so glad I did. It didn't erase the pain or the fear, but just sharing with someone else, and opening up.. that meant something. 

I'm reading Brene Brown's book called "The Gifts of Imperfection: Letting Go Of Who You Think You Are Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are." If there was one book that could sum up my entire journey so far, this book would be it. And that book is the reason I did my presentation the way I did. Because my whole life I've been afraid to share who I am with people, afraid that if they saw the real me they wouldn't like me. Maybe I didn't consciously think that way, but it was definitely always lurking under the surface. I've been scared to share some of those thoughts and feelings on this blog, because I don't know how people will take it. It feels weird to be sharing such personal thoughts in a world that really, I don't know all that much about yet. I'm scared that people will hear what I have to say and think "what does she know? She's only 23." But the thing is I feel like everyone has these types of thoughts, not just us young folk. And to quote another inspiring role model, "Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." It was really reassuring yesterday knowing that I could speak my fears to my mom, my sister, my friends and they were all there for me. 

So yeah. That's where I'm at. That's me. Imperfect. And super, super excited to see where my journey will take me. To see myself continue to grow. To see me challenge more limitations that I unknowingly set on myself years ago.

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Vulnerability, for realz

I wrote this post last night (well, this morning) and have thought about editing it but instead I'm choosing to post it entirely as is, because today was a fabulous day and I don't want that to influence what I wrote. Another post about today will come later.

You know what sucks? Figuring out the unhealthy ways you cope. Because once you see a pattern you can never unsee it. You can try to ignore it for as long as possible, but sooner or later you'll get tired of lying to yourself.

That's what happened to me tonight. I'm writing this from the warmth of my bed at 1am, when I should be fast asleep. But as I was just about to fall into a blissful sleep, my behavior lately flashed before me and all the pieces fell into place. It's been a long time coming and I don't know what I'm more annoyed by. The fact that it took me so long to see it or that now that I've seen it I have to do something about it. The cynic is me is saying I don't have to do something, and sometimes the best thing to do is not over think things. But that's just not my personality. And I'm not letting myself reason my way out of it this time.

I haven't been writing as much these past few weeks, and what I have been writing has felt like me grasping at straws. I felt like I'd come here, write some sort of motivational blurb about how I'd be getting my mojo back and then that feeling would last until the next time I had the opportunity to eat chocolate. Then I'd go back to kicking myself.

I've had to ask myself why? Why am I doing this all the sudden? I lost over 100 pounds and yes, the process wasn't easy.  I've been through a lot of ups and downs. But lately I could sense that this time was different. Looking back, I can see and honour that I'm dealing with thoughts, feelings, and issues that I've never before considered. So naturally when these came up, I went into default mode.

I stepped back from my friends and family.
I asked what was happening in others lives but found ways to avoid talking about mine in detail.
I told myself I was busy busy busy and didn't have time for anything.
I'd say that I needed to do something, but yet wouldn't make the time to do it.
I ate.
I ate in abundance.
I ate in abundance in secrecy.
And then tonight, the final piece of the puzzle, I spent over 2 hours watching random YouTube videos.

I don't know why but it was the hours on YouTube that made it click for me. I looked at the time when I closed my eyes and thought "why the heck am I wasting time on this again? I love my sleep."

Wham. Bingo. Crap. I'm in avoidance mode. I think it took me so long to clue in because there are noticeable differences. I was still exercising, I was still making mostly good food choices,  I was still talking with my roommates. I was telling myself I knew I had to deal with stuff but I think I rationalized myself into thinking knowing was the same as doing.

Because for all my talk of feeling "weird" lately I was doing very little to change it. I'd say that I wanted to go to counselling but then say I had no money or time. My favourite phrase lately has been "I'll do it December." But as much as I love school and think it is important, my life and health will always come first. I can't keep putting it off. I started reaching out a bit more this past week and no surprise that has made all the difference. I made the mistake of telling Kailey that I've been feeling disconnected with my friends and support system lately. Cue the long phone messages giving me grief for not calling her :P But after a long talk with her, a Kelly smack down last night and then a quick chat with Caroline tonight, I am feeling much stronger.

I am at a really interesting point in my life because I am striving to be this person who models healthy living, who feels balanced. I am trying to be a success story, as finished. But I'm not there yet. And worse, I am realizing I will never be there. I will never be perfect. Even if I have years of therapy there will always be something I struggle with.

This blog in some way magnifies that because I am literally showcasing my life to whoever is interested enough to click on it. I'm trying to be this healthy, whole person someone can look up to and end up feeling like a giant fraud. I am wanting to be vulnerable and honest, but I'm constantly thinking how much info is too much? What should I keep hidden? There are parts to my story that I have to either go all in or avoid altogether. The problem is I don't have all the answers. I don't know if it would be best to post it on here or not. I could never take it back. So what to do?

I've avoided writing lately. Which is hard because it's been my greatest outlet my whole life. When things got tough or frustrating, I'd write. A lot of people in weight loss transformations talk about how exercise is a way to cope with emotions. With me, it's writing. Exercise helps yes, but when it comes down to it I need to write. I haven't been lately. Not in here, not in my personal journal, not even in my inquiry journal. Part of me wants to defend myself and say I've been too busy with school, life and trying to be healthy. But when I really look at it, it's because I was in avoidance mode. And when I'm in that mode I can't think straight, I can't do anything but feel frustrated. Thanks to the wonderful people in my life (and yes to my own strengths as well), I can see the light at the end of this tunnel. For the first time in weeks I felt drawn to writing and the words have just tumbled out faster than I could proof read. I feel like this post is a bit all over the place but I don't want to change it because it's the truth. I'm a little all over the place right now. And that's ok. I'm never going to stop growing and changing. I'll be that person I want to be one day. And by the time I get there, I'll probably have even more changes I want to make. It's freeing to realize that. Because that means I can take things day by day and trust that everything will work out.

I'll end with this: Hi, my name is Susie and I'm a recovering perfectionist trying to learn patience and moderation.

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A formal comparison

It's been a little while since I've posted anything, mostly because my thoughts right now are just too all over the place. For once, I'm not in the head space to write! Instead I will share some pictures. I moved out of my parents house over 5 years ago.. but I only just went through all the stuff I had left there. It's been quite a process and my poor parents were left to deal with everything I didn't keep (sorry and thank you again!) There were lots of great moments sorting through my life, but I think the best was finding my old grad dress. Needless to say I had to try it on... the results were too shocking to not share.

There was no way it would stay up without me holding it! It was a tent on me.

After I took my old dress off, I saw my sister's and thought "There's no way. None. Absolutely not. But ... maybe?" I was literally shaking with anticipation when I unzipped the bag and put the dress over my head. Then I reached around for the zipper.. and it went up.. and up.. and up - until it reached the top!! It fit. I won't lie.. I think I shrieked and did a little happy dance. When I ran downstairs to show my parents my Dad snapped this picture of me:

End of high school vs nearing the end of University. The second picture is a little blurry but what gets me teary
eyed is seeing the difference in my smiles. And perhaps the awkwardness of never knowing to do with my hands. :)

Looking back at that moment makes me shake my head in wonder. I am still in shock that it fit me. I remember seeing Terri wear this dress back when she graduated and thinking she looked sooo beautiful. Well the dress fit me, so obviously I'm close enough to the size she was. Why do I pick myself apart? Lately I've been looking in the mirror and scrunching my nose at my body. The lower stomach. The stretch marks. The thighs. The jiggle. The back roll.

I want to start being kind to myself again. These pictures have reminded me that I've come SO far. And that I am actually proud of my body. I do love it. Even when I'm picking it apart, there are certain things I can't help but notice. My small waist, the beginnings of definition in my arm, the proof that squats are in fact making a difference to my butt! But more than that, I love what my body for what I'm able to do with it. I can do multiple boy push ups. I can use the yellow kettle bell now. I can run 30 minutes without stopping. I ran a half marathon! I'm using the nutrients from my food to build stronger muscles all over my body. I can give great hugs. These are the things that matter to me, far more than any number on the scale or "small" body part.

I'm going to remember this tomorrow when I see the "damage" of what a week of indulging leads to. Last week a friend of mine wrote a post about taking away the scale, I am tempted to do that as well. Add it to the list of things swirling around in my head I suppose! To deal with in December once school is done. For me, the goal these next two weeks is to survive and to maintain.

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I promise...

Earlier tonight I went to a goal setting session at BDHQ. There is something really special about being able to share your story with others and hear theirs in return. We set a lot of goals together, but the main one I am working on right now is my relationship with food. Of course I chose the big, open ended, impossible one to start off with right? The group thankfully helped me narrow down my goal to controlling the emotional eating that's been plaguing me lately.

So. My promise. Every time that I eat, I will write it in my food journal and include the reason why I am eating said meal. More often than not it is because it's time for food, but I want to be more aware of the mindless emotional eating that's been going on. I will do this for the remainder of the session (end of December). "Good" or "bad" I will write everything. I'm doing this because as things get crazier in the school year and even more stressful, I don't want to forgot about my long term health goals.

I also needed to come up with a strategic plan for peanut butter. Since earlier today when faced with an open jar of peanut butter, I conveniently forgot about all the reasons I wanted to live a healthy life, I knew I had to do something. One person suggested that I give up peanut butter until the session was over. I did actually consider that for a short time. I had done it before for two weeks so I knew it was possible. But realistically, peanut butter will always be a part of my life if I am living in a place where it is sold. It's not like juice, I love it too much to give it up completely. But I know there is no need for an extra spoonful or two every time I put it in my smoothie or yogourt. This is part of building a healthier relationship with food, which I know will be a life long goal. My solution tonight:

(Note the offending spoon I had yet to wash)

That's right. I defaced a jar of Adam's peanut butter. I'm hoping it makes me laugh every time I open it, but also reminds me of all the reasons I am only going to take 1 tablespoon from the jar. Taped around the jar are the following:

• Why are you eating this?
• You are strong enough to NOT lick the spoon
• Nothing tastes as good as being healthy feels
• You won't miss that extra spoonful and you definitely won't miss being obese
• Do it for the boots
• 1 tablespoon is ok though :)

A little extreme maybe but right now it is needed. I just thought of another one to add: eating a proper portion means it lasts longer. I'm all for getting my money's worth! I won't have a chance to test my new plan this week though, as tomorrow I'm headed off the Island for reading break. I am finally going to get quality time with my Granny, who I haven't seen in almost a year. It means I'm missing a weigh in and quite a few work outs at BDHQ, but I'd say it's more than worth it :) 

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10lbs lighter, but lightyears wiser

What a whirl wind week since my last blog post. To sum up my week:

1. Handed in a paper, take home exam, quiz, and did an in class presentation. All went reasonably well.

2. Won the 10 lb challenge! I will be getting my $199 back tonight I believe, but I'm not sure yet how much extra I'll be getting. The $199 was split almost equally between a new pair of boots, a dress, and a pair of jeans. It felt a little materialistic spending so much money on those things, but every time I put them on it makes me feel so good about myself. That for me is money well spent.

3. Went over to Langley for my Great-Grandpa's memorial service. Of course it was very emotional, but I did love getting to spend time with my family, even if it was under these sad circumstances. I also really enjoyed finding out more about my Grandpa's life. You forget that your grandparents had very full lives before you came around. It's made me want to connect even more with my grandparents still alive.

4. Have had some pretty interesting insights into why I'm feeling the way I am. More on that below.

5. Went for my first post-race run (outside of bootcamp) on Sunday morning. I ran for 40 minutes total, 7 minute warm up, 3 minute cool down.. and the 30 minutes in between.. I ran the WHOLE time. It's the furthest and longest I've ever run without stopping, which felt pretty good. I really enjoyed being out running again. While I don't always love the run while I'm doing it, I love the way I feel when I meet goals I've set for myself.

I think the reason why I haven't been writing this week is mostly due to the first point on the list. I've had to do so much writing for school the idea of sitting down and writing more was unappealing. Today though, I am ignoring the pile of homework that is calling my name. I've been inspired to write again after another great workshop through UVic.

This 10lb challenge impacted me differently than I thought it would. Now that it's over, I've been able to see why I disliked it so much. This last month has been all about losing weight.. Being "good" so I could get my money back. Yet funny enough, this was the hardest month I've had in a while in terms of cravings and food issues. I've discovered that while, yes, money motivates me, it does not do it in a way that I like. I started looking at food as bad again, and feeling so ashamed for eating "bad" food because I knew it wouldn't help me lose weight. Of course, me being me, as soon I told myself I couldn't have something, that was all I wanted. It became a game of dieting and depriving myself and I don't stand for either of those. I lost more weight when I focused on eating healthy than I did when trying to win this challenge. Now I know I can't blame this all on the challenge, I could have easily changed my attitude if I really wanted to. BDHQ stresses the importance of eating healthy and throwing those diet ideas out the window. But as soon as it became about money for me, it's like I had tunnel vision. I forgot about all the reasons why I was doing this and focused entirely on the number on the scale. 

That is why I never want to do a 10 pound challenge again. While there are still things about my body that I don't love, if I had to chose between losing another 40 pounds or being happy with my body now, I'd go for body love. Because my body image issues won't magically go away as I lose weight.

The other reason I don't want to do it again is that after my weigh in on Thursday, a sense of "I'm finished" came over me. All of a sudden I was back to huge portion sizes and treats all the time. I felt like I was done so I could take a break. So I did I suppose. The thing about "breaks" from healthy eating is that it seems to have the opposite effect that I wanted it to. Rather than being an "ahh, I can relax and not stress about my food choices" it made it worse. I felt physically sick from all the peanut butter, chocolate, and extra food. I felt bloated and lethargic. That quote is right.. nothing tastes as good as being healthy feels.

So from now on, when I think about dipping that spoon into the peanut butter jar or stopping off to pick up some ice cream, I will remember the following:

By embracing healthy living, I am choosing...

To be a better role model for my future students and children

To find out more about myself

To challenge myself

To prove how capable I am

To get the most out of life

To continually grow and push myself to be a better person

To feel good about my body

To be able to travel the world bursting with confidence

To share the importance of healthy living with those I care about 

And since I don't want to lie on here... for the boots. I can't wait until I can walk into any shoe store and pick out a pair of boots that will fit my calves. 

THOSE are the reasons I am doing this. Not for money. Not for a smaller number on the scale. Not even for the compliments. This journey is about reclaiming my health and getting to know who I am.

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