10lbs lighter, but lightyears wiser

What a whirl wind week since my last blog post. To sum up my week:

1. Handed in a paper, take home exam, quiz, and did an in class presentation. All went reasonably well.

2. Won the 10 lb challenge! I will be getting my $199 back tonight I believe, but I'm not sure yet how much extra I'll be getting. The $199 was split almost equally between a new pair of boots, a dress, and a pair of jeans. It felt a little materialistic spending so much money on those things, but every time I put them on it makes me feel so good about myself. That for me is money well spent.

3. Went over to Langley for my Great-Grandpa's memorial service. Of course it was very emotional, but I did love getting to spend time with my family, even if it was under these sad circumstances. I also really enjoyed finding out more about my Grandpa's life. You forget that your grandparents had very full lives before you came around. It's made me want to connect even more with my grandparents still alive.

4. Have had some pretty interesting insights into why I'm feeling the way I am. More on that below.

5. Went for my first post-race run (outside of bootcamp) on Sunday morning. I ran for 40 minutes total, 7 minute warm up, 3 minute cool down.. and the 30 minutes in between.. I ran the WHOLE time. It's the furthest and longest I've ever run without stopping, which felt pretty good. I really enjoyed being out running again. While I don't always love the run while I'm doing it, I love the way I feel when I meet goals I've set for myself.

I think the reason why I haven't been writing this week is mostly due to the first point on the list. I've had to do so much writing for school the idea of sitting down and writing more was unappealing. Today though, I am ignoring the pile of homework that is calling my name. I've been inspired to write again after another great workshop through UVic.

This 10lb challenge impacted me differently than I thought it would. Now that it's over, I've been able to see why I disliked it so much. This last month has been all about losing weight.. Being "good" so I could get my money back. Yet funny enough, this was the hardest month I've had in a while in terms of cravings and food issues. I've discovered that while, yes, money motivates me, it does not do it in a way that I like. I started looking at food as bad again, and feeling so ashamed for eating "bad" food because I knew it wouldn't help me lose weight. Of course, me being me, as soon I told myself I couldn't have something, that was all I wanted. It became a game of dieting and depriving myself and I don't stand for either of those. I lost more weight when I focused on eating healthy than I did when trying to win this challenge. Now I know I can't blame this all on the challenge, I could have easily changed my attitude if I really wanted to. BDHQ stresses the importance of eating healthy and throwing those diet ideas out the window. But as soon as it became about money for me, it's like I had tunnel vision. I forgot about all the reasons why I was doing this and focused entirely on the number on the scale. 

That is why I never want to do a 10 pound challenge again. While there are still things about my body that I don't love, if I had to chose between losing another 40 pounds or being happy with my body now, I'd go for body love. Because my body image issues won't magically go away as I lose weight.

The other reason I don't want to do it again is that after my weigh in on Thursday, a sense of "I'm finished" came over me. All of a sudden I was back to huge portion sizes and treats all the time. I felt like I was done so I could take a break. So I did I suppose. The thing about "breaks" from healthy eating is that it seems to have the opposite effect that I wanted it to. Rather than being an "ahh, I can relax and not stress about my food choices" it made it worse. I felt physically sick from all the peanut butter, chocolate, and extra food. I felt bloated and lethargic. That quote is right.. nothing tastes as good as being healthy feels.

So from now on, when I think about dipping that spoon into the peanut butter jar or stopping off to pick up some ice cream, I will remember the following:

By embracing healthy living, I am choosing...

To be a better role model for my future students and children

To find out more about myself

To challenge myself

To prove how capable I am

To get the most out of life

To continually grow and push myself to be a better person

To feel good about my body

To be able to travel the world bursting with confidence

To share the importance of healthy living with those I care about 

And since I don't want to lie on here... for the boots. I can't wait until I can walk into any shoe store and pick out a pair of boots that will fit my calves. 

THOSE are the reasons I am doing this. Not for money. Not for a smaller number on the scale. Not even for the compliments. This journey is about reclaiming my health and getting to know who I am.