The Games We Play

Life is a series of games. Some of them we choose intentionally, some subconsciously, some life throws at us and we have to learn how to play - QUICK.  I've been looking at this recently.

I realized that I've been relating to everything as something I needed to win. School, career, family, weight loss... it was if I couldn't let myself enjoy the journey unless I knew I'd be getting a gold star at the end. And when I put things out that I didn't know how to win (like my Impossible List), I'd freak out and conveniently "forget" about it. I've been doing some work to shift that way of thinking lately and it's made the last few months make a lot more sense.

Looking back, I realize now that my game for the last two months has been what is the absolutely minimal actions I need to take so that no one notices I'm drowning and will leave me alone. It worked. For maybe three weeks tops. Then people saw and have been loving the heck out of me as I get back on my two feet again.

It was so obvious when I saw it. When I don't create big games that excite me, my default is to hide and blame. "Go away world, I'm sulking here." Good thing to note! Slowly and surely each step I've been taking these last few weeks has me waking up to the world around me. Now I look around and I have so much going on that I realized I needed to get clear about what I was up to. Insert.. the Wisdom Course!

May 29th marked the first day of my 8 month program. Earlier this week I created what I wanted to get out of the course with my Accomplishment Coach. I'm a little scared of sharing the goals... my identity hates when it thinks people will notice I fail. But here they are anyway! If you want to join me in any of these, get in touch! Let's support one another.

My declaration: By the end of the program, I've designed the life I've never even imagined I could have.


Health
My relationship to my body will be one of love and empowerment. I will nourish myself: mind, body and soul.

Love
Fall in love with a man who lights up my soul and makes me laugh. Have fun together - in and out of the bedroom!

Career
Immediate game: get a job. Make amazing workshops with Jane from TRE Vancouver. Be part of Empower Health growing and expanding.

Long term game: My career takes off! Make the choice - do I go back to school to become a naturopathic doctor? I've begun to map out my niche in the holistic health field and have clarity around my next steps.

Family
Laugh with my family. Stand by my sister as she marries the love of her life. Spend quality time with my sister, parents, aunts, grandparents, cousins... hear their stories and share my own. True connection.

Finances
My cash flow is overfilling. I have a solid plan for getting out of debt and paying my student loans. I make budgets and STICK to it.


What game do you want to be playing? What could you create for yourself that would be worth your time? We're all in a made up games anyway. May as as well have fun while we're in it!

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News flash: I'm fat again

I wrote this post about 4 months ago, and was too afraid to push publish then. Now I think it's beautiful and from the heart... exactly what I want to put out in the world.

I’m fat again.

That’s my number one thought when I look into the mirror these days.

Worse than that, I’m fat again after my very public weight loss journey. I spent 2 years blogging about my new and forever healthy life style on this very blog.

There’s so many thoughts swirling around my mind right now…

How did this happen?
Why did I let this happen?

I’m a fraud.

People are judging me.

My family is concerned.

I’m back to looking at the ground when I walk because I don’t want to see the disgust in people’s faces.

How am I going to do this all over again?

Will I ever be able to keep this weight off?

I wish sugar was a banned substance (that’s a whole other post itself)

Thankfully I don’t always listen to those thoughts anymore. When I'm feeling a little more sane, I go to this:  Ok, what did I avoid learning last time that had me gaining weight again? What do I need to learn from this?

Oh. Bingo. The truth of the matter... I hated myself thin. My blogs were mostly cheery and upbeat and often didn’t portray what I was really saying to myself. Even at my lowest weight when I looked into the mirror all I saw were my flaws. And I lost weight because I wanted to be loved. Because how on earth could I find love at 300 pounds? Of course other fat girls could, because they are beautiful people. But me? Nope, not in my cards.

“I’m your worst fear.” My worst fear two years ago was regaining all the weight I had lost. Well, I’ve regained it, and I’m still here. I’m alive. Not only that, but even just writing that makes me a little sick to my stomach. That was my worst fear? Talk about first world problems.

So fucking tired of this same old story. No thoughtful insights this time. No shiny new action plan. No cheery - I can do it, I'm strong pom pom dance. Just me. Going through the eye of the fucking needle. Can I just be on the other side now please?

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Game Changer

Yesterday I was asked this poignant question: what would my life look like if it’s NOT about losing weight? 

I was speechless. My life has to be about losing weight. Why? Well, because I'm fat. Because I have to get skinny. Why? Because I have to get healthy. Aren't you passionate about Health at Every Size? Yes, ok, other people can preach body love and fat acceptance and I will always cheer them on, but I have to lose weight. Why? Umm, umm, umm, well, because I want to be a naturopath. OK, so why do you have to lose weight? Because no one will go see a fat naturopath. Says who? Oh. Says me. The truth - it's the only way of life I know.

The last 10 years of my life can be summed up in two categories: losing weight or failing at losing weight.

Along the way I’ve managed to conquer countless fears, earn a degree, make a lasting impact on dozens of people’s lives, but it all seems to boil down to one fact. I gained the weight back. Again.  Therefore, I failed.

But wait… what if it wasn’t that? What if it didn’t need to be that?

What if I chose to not be a player in the multi-billion industry that has a 95% failure rate. 

What if I could just change my context entirely? What if my life was about doing what I love, being with people I love, and making a difference in the world?

Game changer.

My monkey mind is telling me I’ve tried to do this before. And I have. I've had some success with it too. Fairly short termed.. I'd have maybe one whole day of not thinking about my food choices. And then the next day I'd beat myself up twice as hard. I also did most of it alone. I’d let people in, and let people help me… but only as far as I comfortable letting them in. And if it got too intense I’d pull away. 

I could fight that voice and try to prove it wrong. I could listen to that voice and raise my hands in defeat. Or... I could smile. I could say thank you. I can say: I honour you. Thank you for keeping me safe so far. 

Now I’ve got something even bigger on my side. Not only do I have a community of people who will stand by my side as I fumble my way through this new way of thinking, I'm actually aware of it. I know who they are and man, do I ever love my army of dreamers.

What if I just really don’t have a clue how to do it at all? What if I could stop pretending that I know what I am doing? What if I could just embrace the crazy wonderfulness of my life?

So this is me. Learning what it looks like to live a life that’s NOT about losing weight. 

I'll leave you with this gem:

This is the theme song of my life. It's been playing on repeat ALLLLL week.

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