100 Pound Difference

This post technically comes a little late but it's the nature of my life these days. I've been tossing ideas about this around in my head since I hit my milestone last week and it's harder than I thought to write about. I did up this picture comparison to put up at work, but it really put all my hard work into perspective. Seeing the number on the scale and seeing the proof in pictures is a huge difference. I have a printed out one that fills up an entire paper and I've been carrying it around with me. It helps remind me of how far I've come. And I feel like the more I look at it, the more I'll believe it!

Tip: click on the picture to make it bigger

When I put those two pictures up side by side it made me tear up. Why? Because those two pictures represent SO much of my life.

I thought when I looked at the pictures I'd be ecstatic. I've seen so many before and after photos of people and I always find them so inspiring. It's different when it's your own. It is inspiring of course, but it's also just so overwhelming. In some ways I don't recognize either woman.. I kind of denied just how heavy I was before I started this. And now I've lost so much weight that in my head I still feel bigger so when I see pictures it throws me a bit.

I remember when that picture on the left was taken. I was in Edmonton for Western Canada Youth Parliament and even though I was with people I loved and felt safe with, I was so unhappy. I felt gross and frumpy and I knew the pictures would be terrible. Looking at the picture brings such mixed emotions: happiness that I'm not longer there, sadness for what I remember feeling, guilt, shame, unease.. it's all stirring inside me even now. I don't want to focus on the negative feelings, but at the same time I want to acknowledge that they are there. I'm a very positive person and this has been a very positive journey over all, but it's not all rainbows and butterflies now that I'm getting smaller. There is a bit of shame that I let myself go as much as I did. However (since I can already hear Kelly's retort), the more I talk about the shame, the less there is. I know why I got that big, and many of the reasons were outside of my control. I was in coping mode, nothing more, nothing less. As soon as I was able to pinpoint the reason for my out of control eating I changed my life. I can recognize that it took a very strong woman to do that, and be proud of my accomplishments.

Almost every person I've talked to about my weight loss asks me if I can feel the difference. I tend to automatically say that I feel like an entire different person but I'm not sure that's what I mean. At the core of it, I am still me. Family and friends are super important, I want to travel and gain first hand experiences of other cultures, I love food (especially chocolate and peanut butter!), and I still love school. But there are some notable differences...

Physical

• Was a size 28 pants, am now a 16.
• Was a size 3XL shirt, am now a large.
• Before I used to get tired walking to the bus stop.. now I can run 12km and am training for a half marathon.
• I can use the blue kettlebells.
• At Curves, I can get the whoosh on all the machines, BOTH ways.
• The energy! Wow! Million times better. If I need something, I can get off the couch or run up the stairs and not think twice about it. At my heaviest, it took so much more effort to move that I often wouldn't bother.
• I can see my neck, collarbone, wrist bone and shoulder blades.
• Crazy fact I realized when my mom was here: My waist right now is only 1 inch bigger than what one of my thighs was when I started.

Practical/Day to Day

• I pack my food for the next day every night.
• I very rarely eat out, and if I do it's planned and usually good food. Subway is the only fast food place I've stopped in at for dinner for months. McDonalds just makes me feel like crap afterwards. I remember when I was driving up to Caroline's this summer because of my crazy long detour (tip: don't be the navigator and driver at the same time) I had to have A&W for dinner because that was literally all that was available and I was starving. I asked for no sauce and extra veggie on their whole wheat bun and grilled chicken breast... it was so gross and dry and just yuck. Not for me thanks. I am home cooked or decent restaurant girl only now.
• I watch a tiny fraction of the TV that I used to. Instead of watching people live their lives I'm actually out living mine. My entertainment comes from sweating at the gym or hanging out with friends. Castle and Rookie Blue are pretty much the only shows I still watch, and that's because I have friends that I watch it with.
• If it takes me half an hour or less to walk somewhere, I usually chose to walk rather than take the bus. And now that I have my bike - it takes me even less time! :)
• I can shop in a regular clothes store! That means I can go shopping with my friends. I never got to do that growing up because I was too self conscious and by grade 9 had to shop in plus size stores, so I'm excited to be able to do it from now on!

Emotional

• My priorities are more balanced now. Before I'd do a lot of stuff for other people and be so tired when I got time off I'd sit in my room and watch TV all day. Now I spend time with friends, take time to cook, and make exercise and my health a priority. It's not easy and there are still crazy busy days that I don't like, but it's always worth it. 
• I don't let my size stop me from doing the things I want to do anymore. Most notably the Warrior Dash and training for the half marathon.. those are things I would have never considered doing before. I've proven that I can do whatever I want to do, to the best of MY ability. And that's what is important.
• I've stopped using food as a support system. One of my more embarrassing old habits is that when I had a bad day, I would put a scoop of ice cream in the bowl for every bad thing that happened. I told myself by the end of that bowl I'd feel so much better, when in reality I usually just felt like crap for eating so much ice cream. Now when I'm upset, I'll call a friend or go sweat it out.
• I'm not afraid to show who I am anymore. I have always had this need for everyone to like me. I very recently realized that the feeling stemmed from me feeling inadequate. As if I was trying to make up for my faults and prove that I was worthy because everyone liked me. I'm still working on this but I'd say this is the area I've made the most progress in, without even realizing it. All in all, I think I'm a pretty awesome person. I have my faults, sure we all do, but that's the point. We ALL do. There's no point in trying to hide them. I have my faults, baggage, issues and insecurities. The difference? I'm no longer letting them define me. I have people that love me for who I am, faults and all. I always have, really, but I am just recognizing the power of that. If someone doesn't like me, that's fine, they are the ones that are missing out. Just saying. :)
• I am not hiding from my issues anymore. I am facing them head on and dealing with them as they come, the best I can. 
• I am much kinder to myself. Before starting this journey, I'd look in a mirror and think usually all negative thoughts. Now every time I look in the mirror I smile at myself and think "Damn girl, you are looking good!" Haha, ok, that's a lie, it's definitely not every time but it's more and more frequent! 
• I am sharing my thoughts and feelings with anyone that takes the time to read this blog. I've always kept a journal, but it's been something to keep very private. I never really told people what was going on inside my head. I'm much more vocal about my thoughts, needs and opinions. 
• I don't care what I weigh anymore. The past 4 years I've been able to tell you the number on the scale at the drop of a hat. I was always aware of that damn scale. Now, I'd have to consult my book or do some quick math in my head. It's not about getting to a magical number anymore. It's about being fit, healthy and happy. And I am all of those things. As I keep up my fitness, the number will go down. I still have quite a ways to go to my "goal" but I know I'll get there. I'm too determined not to. (Mental note: need to actually set goal now that I'm getting closer to it)

Kind of related to this list, in bootcamp a couple weeks ago they had us do an activity to acknowledge and celebrate how far we had come since we signed up in June. Here was what I wrote:

Since June 2012, I have... started running, done the Warrior Dash, committed to the half marathon and started shopping in "regular" clothing stores.

What surprised me the most was... just how strong I was, how quickly my fitness level improved, that I actually enjoy running, and my waist right now is pretty much the same size as one of my thighs when I started a year ago.

Basically, it can all be summed up in this:

My weight loss journey has been incredible and life changing and more rewarding than I could have ever imagined. And the best part - there's even more to come! :)