Goodbye 2013, Hello 2014

It's hard to believe 2013 is already over. It's been an incredible year, and flown by quicker than any other.

You could say that 2012 was all about transforming my physical self. And 2013 has been, for me, the year in which I really started to transform everything else. I've really started to examine my life. Look at what I want and don't want, and the role I've played so far. Which is why I think I stopped blogging, I wanted to sort through my emotions privately. As my inbox has been flooded these last few days with blog posts from inspirational people I follow, I thought I should resurrect my own blog. Couldn't let this year go by without one final post!

Top 10 biggest moments of the year, in no particular order:

1. After 6 long years, finally finished my B.Ed and crossed the stage into "real life."
2. Had to give away my beautiful cat, Tilly. She went to a wonderful family with a little boy who adores her though, and every time I miss her I remind myself I made the best choice for both of us.
3. Got my heart broken for the first time.
4. Completed my Landmark Forum, and went on to do 3 more courses with them. 
5. Went to San Fran (twice!).
6. Had my first real, post grad, 8-4 job, working as a Inventory Verification Coordinator at the military gym.
7. Said good bye to some of my favourite people, and met new friends that quickly became family.
8. Reconnected with my Dad's side of the family.
9. Had four incredible conversations with important people in my life that changed the way I view life, and myself.
10. Gave up being that little girl that's scared of everything but too scared to admit even that. When those excuses and self created drama pop up, I have systems in place to bring me back to reality, and what I really care about.

What a year. In terms of my weight loss journey, I can't boast that I've kept off all the weight I lost last year. However, I have systems in place for 2014 to work off the 20lbs that I did let come back. Which includes more blogging on here. 

And for my last share of 2013, here are 3 quotes that seem to sum up my "plan" for this next year.

Sitting here, imagining 2014, I've got the biggest smile on my face. I'm starting the year with no job, no major plan, and a whole whack load of excitement. Why? Because of what I do have. Skills, connections, an education, systems in place and most important - a passion for living life full out, knowing I am the one who creates my life.

I don't know exactly what this year will bring, but I know it will be big. And for once that doesn't scare me at all. For starters, I'm leaving Victoria and moving back to the mainland. I might travel, I might move across the world, I might start my career with Landmark, I might go back for my Master's, I might start a business, I might do something entirely different that I can't even imagine. I'm 24 - The possibilities are endless and I get to create the world and life I want. I am SO fortunate to be where I am, and to have such wonderful people in my life to ground me and lift me up at the same time.





I used to be an incredibly cautious person. I didn't like change, not knowing made me angry, and don't even get me started about avoiding conflict! I would make pro and con lists like no bodies business. And all that brain power was used up to what, prove to someone else that I was perfect and never made any bad choices? Some of my greatest choices have been made on a whim, or when the cons side seemed bigger. UVic, Curves, BDHQ, Landmark. I don't regret a single choice. And I've made a lot of mistakes as well. And isn't that great?! Because I have learned SO much from them. Can't wait for all the mistakes I get to make and learn from. I promise right now to do at least one blog post next year that talks about all the mistakes I've made lately. 

Bring it on, 2014. Let's go on an adventure called taking on what REALLY matters to me.

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Family

This is the first August I can remember that I'm not thinking about school starting in just a few weeks. It feels so strange and so right at the same time. As I move into this next stage in my life, I am gaining a true appreciation for everything that has brought me to where I am today.

The struggles.

The triumphs.

The laughs.

The broken hearts.

My friends.

My family.

Family is huge for me right now. It makes sense why. I reconnected with my amazing cousin Kristin in June, and now we are living together and working together. We talk about our family almost every day, and how much we appreciate being brought together. Sharing our sacred home space together while building an amazing place of health, healing and prosperity. 

While thinking about how to describe the love I feel for my family I tried looking up definitions online. It actually made me laugh out loud. Here are some of the ones I found:

- a fundamental social group in society typically consisting of one or two parents and their children

- a group of persons sharing common ancestry

- a group of people who are generally not blood relations but who share common attitudes, interests, or goals

And my personal favourite...

- a locally independent organized crime unit 

Family isn't something easily defined in a one or two dictionary style sentence. For me, how I define and feel about my family is constantly in flux. About a month ago I participated in the Landmark Advanced Course over in Vancouver and it was incredible. I got a lot out of it, but I think the most for me was the staggering realization of just how important my family is to me. And that I was carrying around a lot of anger and pain when it came to certain broken relationships. That's all gone now, replaced with amazing possibilities of genuine affection, appreciation and connection.

I started calling people I'd never spoke to on the phone before. I called my Aunts and thanked them for always being there for me. I called a set of grandparents that I didn't know at all and told them I wanted a relationship, and apologized for growing up angry at them that they were not actively involved like my other grandparents. I thanked my parents for everything they've given me. I had the best hug ever with my sister. 

I'm more committed than ever to having a great relationship with every person in my family. They are all such amazing people, and up to some pretty big things! And I am so grateful for each and every one of them. I have so much to learn from each of them as well, and I'm excited to know them for who they are. 

So to my grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, parents, sister, and my huge extended family... this post is for you. As I open the gates to this new life I'm creating, I will remember that I'm never alone. I have a huge group of people rallying behind me, ready to catch and support me whenever I stumble. I will never take that for granted again. Love and hugs to you all.

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The summer of new!

Wow, what a whirl wind this summer is turning out to be! Life has a way of lining up for me lately. Approaching life with a positive, loving, and go getter attitude has made so much possible for me! Lots of amazing things have been happening and I will explain more in detail later. But here are the high lights:

New job: I got a new full time job working for DND. It's a 90 day casual position with a high chance of being renewed in January. Super exciting! I'll still be working part time at the hotel, to keep my perks, get extra $, and keep my commitments there as much as possible. I have no plans of getting on the TOC list this year, but I'm still open to possibility of teaching overseas.

New home: I'm moving in with my cousin to a GORGEOUS apartment a block away from the beach. I'm so excited about our place and us living together. I think it's going to be amazing and I am so glad things are working out. Parting with roommates is always so difficult for me (tears EVERY time) but I'm in the space of being grateful for the incredible people I've had the opportunity of living with, as I wouldn't be the person I am today without them.

New adventures: This will be the first year that I'm not returning to school in September. I quite literally can't remember a time that I wasn't in school. The last 6 years have been all about me going to school full time, working to pay for it, and then using whatever left over time to attempt to take care of myself. I am looking forward to this next leg of my life with supreme excitement and gratitude. I am creating my path in life and it feels AWESOME.

New friends: These last three months I've been participating in weekly seminars through Landmark and it has so wonderful. Today was our last session (cue tears!) but I'm so grateful for everyone that I have met and excited to see where we all go.

Appreciation: With all these "new" and exciting adventures to come, it reminds me that change does not have to be a big, scary thing. My life is going to change a LOT in the next year, I can just feel it, I'm right on the edge and about to take a giant leap. And gosh darn-it, for once, I am going to jump with open arms and take it all in. The good, the bad, the excitement, the struggles, the triumphs...

Hello my big messy life. I love you and I'm so glad I get to have this experience!

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Living from a place of gratitude

As my facebook statuses may have indicated already, I've been trying to live from a place of gratitude these last few weeks. Just that subtle shift from being frustrated with what's wrong to being grateful for what I do have has been huge. I've always understood that the not so great things will always be there so worrying about them is futile, but living in it this week has seemed so much more amazing than ever before.

Every day I'm seeing tons of reasons to be happy. My prime examples:

This morning, I forgot we start later on the weekends so accidentally showed up almost an hour early for work. Instead of moaning about my missed hour of sleep, I went out and sat on the grass, over looking the water. I finally tried out one of those free meditations that I downloaded weeks ago and got a chance to enjoy the view. It made my day go all that smoother.

A couple days ago, I was biking up Shelbourne, feeling all happy with myself thinking I was going fast when another biker sped past me making me look like I was going at a snail's pace. I admit my first reaction was to snarl and make an off hand comment about her having a proper commuter bike, but I stopped myself almost immediately. Instead, I remembered two summers ago trying to bike from the Root Cellar back home was so painful we had to stop/walk our bikes every hill, no matter how little, and I was near tears by the end. And now I can ride my bike the 10km to work, clean rooms for 8 hours, and then bike home and still be smiling by the time I am finished! Not to mention that just a week or so ago I did that same route that almost broke me two years ago, and I didn't have to stop once. I powered through those hills out of sheer determination!

I've had guests at the hotel that anger me.. who leave their garbage everywhere and expect us housekeepers to be their personal maids during their stay. They really got to me when I first started working there, and it made it tough for me to enjoy the things I did like about my job. Now I am so thankful every time I meet a nice guest, or go into a room where the guests are clean. Every time I see that a guest has attempted to make the bed already it makes me smile, and feel very grateful that they want to do something to make my job a little bit easier. Once I started looking out for those nice guests, those not so great ones just faded away.

I've been really missing my cat, Tilly, lately. It was more painful than I realized it would be to let her go. But when I start to feel that sadness take over me, I am reminded of how grateful I am for the amazing family I found for her. Where I know she's loved and spoiled absolutely rotten. Given that the only time I've spent at home these last two weeks has been to sleep, I know she wouldn't get the attention she needs. Also, I'm SO grateful that the Delta hotel lets our head of HR bring her dog to work every day. I've been stopping by almost daily for a quick pet.

The other thing that I'm SUPER grateful for is that I feel like all my hard work with weight loss is going to pay off this next week! I've wanted to do Wild Play, a super fun looking rope obstacle course, for as long as I could remember. However, they had a size limit because their harnesses only go up to a certain size. This is the first summer I'm able to fit into them so to celebrate I'm going there for my birthday on Saturday! I am beyond excited for the entire day and love that I get to do it with some very dear friends!

A lot of exciting things have been happening in my life since I calmed down and started to truly appreciate what I have. I can't wait until I can share them with you! Hopefully by the end of the week :)

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What makes you happy?

This morning I crashed a workout with BDHQ's Biggest Winner bootcamp and it was amazing. Although quite a few people weren't there, it felt great to be working out alongside friends again! And what a brutal workout too! The thing I loved about being in BWs... you never knew what they were going to throw at you. You just showed up and knew that you'd be sweating a lot.

The other thing I love about Sunday BW workouts is the weekly check ins. Today topic: What makes you happy? Michele asked us to come up with a list and here was mine:

-sunshine
-swimming in the middle of a lake
-sitting at the beach looking out at the water
-hiking
-laughing with friends
-seeing my family
-playing card or board games
-drinking tea
-being physically capable of doing the things I want to do
-working out
-reading
-the feeling I get after eating a green smoothie
-having a clean kitchen/room
-blogging/writing
-learning about nutrition
-having all of my meals planned for the week
-trips to the root cellar
-hugs
-falling in love with a new TV show
-hearing a live band, especially jazz

The best thing about this list, they're pretty much all free and the only thing that stops me from doing them is me overbooking myself. So this week I am committed to doing the things that make me happy.

My kitchen is clean, my laundry is done, my meals and workouts are planned, and I've made plans to see my friends this week. Looking forward to a week full of HAPPY! :)

The other thing that makes me happy - accomplishing a goal! Like graduating university, that's a pretty big one! Here are some pictures from my grad..

Me and my proud parents!

The women who helped shape who I am today! <3 my role models 

Nothing in this world compares with love from grandparents 

Besties <3 We've seen each other through some pretty intense challenges these last three years. I wouldn't have graduated without this girl!

Oh man, so much love for this picture!

It's been a privilege to learn along side these ladies!

Roomie love!

It all started with cookie dough study sessions for Math 161! <3 <3 <3 I'll never forget our late night chats/rants, you braving the various meals I attempted to create, practicum prep on the grass and our many, many TV show marathons!

More roomie love! 

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The dish that made me like tofu

A year ago if you tried to make me eat tofu I'd either laugh in your face or roll my eyes. The only person that I've ever ate tofu for was Karen. And that was because I was so happy to have her and Ben come visit/help me move/make me dinner I felt it would be rude to admit how much I hated tofu.  (Side apology: Karen/Ben, I'm sorry I didn't like your food two years ago and didn't tell you. I bet you if I ate it now I'd love it!)

Then one day while grocery shopping with Karin a few months back, we decided to be brave for some reason. We looked up tofu recipes on allrecipes.com, found one that sounded not horrible and bought the supplies. And my palate has been forever changed.

Tofu + Onions + Mangos + Cilantro + Spices =

Throw it together over a salad and it's AMAZING!

The reason I will now eat plain baked tofu is because of delicious Mango Tofu Tacos. There are multiple ways to enjoy this dish, these are the ways we've tried:

1) In a wrap with a green salad on the side with tortilla chips and guac as an appetizer

2) In hard tortilla shells, with homemade salsa, and guacamole

3) Over spinach as a salad with homemade salsa, homemade guacamole, baked tortilla shells crunched on the top and a bit of sour cream (as pictured above, except ours is sans the guacamole and more sour cream than usual because it was extremely spicy last night) This tends to be my favourite because you can load up on veggies.

4) Leftovers straight from the container, with a spoon :)

5) Not tested yet, but we want to try this with fish instead of tofu.

It is super easy to make and everyone we've made it for absolutely loves it. If you do decide to try it for yourself.. here is the recipe and here are a few tips:

1) It's easier to buy and cut canned mangos that cut fresh ones. Make sure the ones you buy are canned in water, not juice.

2) If you're using homemade taco seasonings (like we did with last night's dish) add a little at a time and then taste it as you go. It was WAY too spicy for me yesterday, although perfect for Karin, so just spice to taste. We got our homemade taco seasoning recipe here.

3) Firm tofu is best. We started off using the medium, but we found it does get a little more mushy.

4) Do not make if you plan to have Emily Gage over the next day. The mango juices get everywhere and we don't want Emily dead any time soon! :)

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Coming Alive

I had every reason to be excited about today and sure enough it's been another great day! My hours got cut at work again, but instead of letting that fill me with the usual anger and anxiety, I simply went on with my day. I went to the gym to sweat out my anger, I started looking into other resources for income, and I jump started this whole career exploring mindset again.

Sweating it out was "fun" this morning. I haven't done bootcamp in two months and what did I chose to be my first class back? Killer Drills and Skills with Alex. KDS being the class that killed me even when I was doing bootcamp five times a week. Where was my head at?

First off) Ow!2nd) If it was possible to sweat off weight, I'm sure I'd be 10 pounds thinner after that workout.3rd) I hope I can move tomorrow.And 4th) Man it's good to be back! I missed this feeling!

I felt so invigorated after that workout that I went to Ingredients, a local raw/vegan/gluten free restaurant, for breakfast. I wanted to fill my body with good foods since I'd just put it through hell! While there I discovered they had a workshop on at noon with this guy coming to talk about super foods.

Since my shift was cancelled at work, it meant I could attend. I LOVED it, every minute. He talked faster than Rory and Lorelai on Gilmore Girls and some of the scientific language was way over my head but I just sat there, soaking it all in. I'm really starting to accept and relish in my passion for nutrition. I used to feel slightly guilty about it, feeling like I'm already so in debt for my B.Ed that I need to do something with it and use it somehow. I didn't (and don't) want to write off teaching entirely. But the thing is, I come alive when I start talking about food. I know the difference in my body when I'm feeding it the foods it needs, and I love sharing that information. The fact that we as humans have the ability to heal our bodies with our minds and the foods that we eat fascinates me. It's like these past few years, I was being introduced to this new way of living and I've been going into the water slowly but surely.

The more I discover about it, the more information I crave. I know flaxseed and omega 3s are good to have in your diet, pretty much everyone knows that. But finding out exactly what it does for your body makes it really hard to deny eating it. Yes, it costs more in the short run, but what's the cost of health? Of vitality? Of fulfillment?

When you have a healthy mind, a healthy body, healthy relationships... You're an unstoppable force. Imagine being able to be the person that supports others in doing that... Helping people come alive in their own lives so that they can fulfill on their own passions. Believe in yourself. Believe in others. Believe in the world. It gives me the shivers just thinking about it! I have no idea what my career will look like or what my life will look like as I dive further into this. But I'm ready to jump into the ocean now. I will do whatever it takes to keep this feeling of aliveness with me. Because I know it won't be easy. I can sense fear and doubt lurking around the corner, ready to strike when they'd be most effective. I'm stepping up to the plate saying "I'm here to find out my passion in life and inspire others find theirs." That's not a small statement from me and it will require a lot of work. And comes with even less job and financial security than an elementary teacher! But I am committed to having a life full of love, happiness, and inspiration. And I am doing that by being and doing all of those things now. This is how I felt at the end of last summer. I don't know how I lost it along the way, but I just want to run outside shouting "I'm back!!" Gosh it feels good to feel excited about life again! And it all comes down to food for me. It really is a gateway for me to how I view my life at any particular time. I'm stoked to see where this particular roller coaster will take me to next! 

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Good Days

Today was just an all around amazing day. It all started with me being determined that I would get called into work today. Three people had called in sick the past two days, so I figured my chances were pretty good. We get called around 7:05am if they want us in for the day, but unfortunately if I want to get there for the 8am start time, my bus would leave at 7:02am. Today I took a gamble and got on the bus anyway, I was that sure that I'd have hours today. Then at 7:05, I got the call! Saying... no work for me today. (I did get another call at 5pm and ended up going in for 2 hours, but that's a different story).

So now it was 7am, I was dressed and headed downtown with nothing to do. I wasn't able to let my $2.50 go to waste though. I got downtown, walked to Beacon Hill Park and just bathed in the beauty of the morning while planning my to-do list once the stores opened. Once my day got started, it kept on getting better and better!

I discovered a chunk of money in an old bank account from years back, and it was enough to cover my Landmark Advanced Course Funds, pay for a 3 month membership to BDHQ (Can't WAIT to be back working out there!!!), and enough left over to cover the cost of the insurance deductible from my fender bender last week. I went into Chapters to buy a celebratory book (Yup, nerd and proud of it!!) and met a potential new friend as well! I picked up a FANTASTIC book called "Mind Over Medicine: Scientific Proof That You Can Heal Yourself" by Lissa Rankin and had a great chat with the Manager who helped me at the till. We got to chatting about alternative health, juicing, uses of coconut oil and a bunch of other things. She ended up giving me her card and said to stop in any time. I love making random connections like that!

My awesome day continued with me discovering free podcasts on iTunes (I don't know why I never thought to look them up before, I assumed you had to pay for them all). My morning commutes to work just got a whole lot more exciting! I also recently discovered an app called Omvana, which has guided meditation files on it, lots of them for free! I can't wait to start it.

SO! The moral of today's story: even if you don't know what your day is going to look like.. get up, get dressed, and get going! When you are committed to doing something with your life, you will find a way to make that happen.

I doubt I'll ever find a sudden lump of money like that again, but I tell ya, it came at the perfect time for me! Now I can do all these things I want with my life, and still be able to pay rent and eat. It is a GOOD DAY! The customer service agent at Scotiabank said I had the funniest grin on my face after she told me the good news. I think it was something like this:

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Integrity

*Gulp* Hi.. I’m back. I’ve been writing this blog entry for almost a week now but haven’t been happy with it. Since I’m stuck at home today with strep throat, I thought I’d take the opportunity to finally finish what I started.

The past two weeks haven’t been my favourite. One morning I woke up with my eyes swollen so bad I could barely open them. I rushed off to a doctor in a nearby clinic, who said I was having an allergic reaction, most likely to my newly bought laundry detergent. For the next week, my mornings are met with incredibly puffy eyes that had me sending my mom pictures labeled “a face only a mother could love.” I kept feeling worse so I saw another doctor who diagnosed me with hay fever, gave me some nose spray and recommended an over the counter anti-histamine. After that still didn’t help, I saw a third doctor who figured it was still just an allergic reaction but took a swab of my throat since I said it was hurting pretty bad as well. Thank goodness he did, because it turns out I have strep throat, which could be the cause of all of my symptoms. Which means I’ve accidentally been exposing my loved ones to it for almost two weeks. Again, sorry! So on one hand, I’ve been feeling incredibly drained and grumpy.

BUT, on the other hand, the last week has been pretty inspirational at the same time. It’s almost like I needed to get to this place of feeling so gross, inside and out. It reminded me just how amazing I felt last summer when I was meeting new fitness goals every week, drinking 3L of water a day and eating clean. My skin was clear, my energy was usually through the roof and I was feeling pretty confident about life. I’ve been feeling a pull to get back to my healthier habits but never as strong as I’ve felt the last week. I am done with feeling so gross and unhappy.

I’ll admit, these past few months have not been my greatest health wise. My mood swings have been through the roof. Did anyone notice my severe lack of updates? That’s because I would only post when I was feeling happy. When I was down on myself or feeling guilty about how unhealthy I was being, I tended to go back to the “crazy busy” mode. Which for those who know me know it’s my favourite excuse to use.

I’ve made some really poor health decisions under the guise of practicum stress, being overwhelmed emotionally, and going through a lot of life changes. I’m sure I could find many people that sympathize with me, but I’ve shown myself what is possible when I’m determined to do something. I’ve lost over 100 pounds. By some miracle I think I’ve managed to stay within the same 10 pounds since school started back up in September (although I haven’t stepped on a scale since I the last session of BWs, so I’m not certain on that note anymore). But the bottom line is when I make a commitment to something and I want to keep it, I find a way to make it happen. Nothing stops me.

If there’s one main thing I’ve been learning in my weekly Landmark seminars it is how important it is to keep your word. And how in the past I have so many lovely excuses for why I don’t keep my promises or commitments. That especially rings true for myself right now. I’ve sought out help from professionals to help with some of my emotional issues, but now that I’m on the waiting list, it’s “ok to just go through the motions.”

No. No it’s not ok. I am in control of my own health. I dictate what my path will be. I am committed to putting my health first. That includes what I eat, why I eat, how I exercise, and the relationships I maintain. I think what I need to remember is I am not doing this for other people; I am doing this for myself. The problem with going public about my health goals and posting my blogs on facebook is that every time I felt that I deviated from my plan, I would feel like I was a bad role model. And worse, every time I admitted that on here and people would be super supportive and tell me about the road to success being full of ups and down, I’d take on this persona of feeling inferior. 

What I’m realizing now though, was that was just a handy story I was telling myself so that I could explain why I’d go buy a carton of Moose Tracks Ice Cream, dig in with only a spoon, and deal with the guilt afterwards. I’m saying I’ll never ever do that again, but what I’ve realized is I am now taking full responsibility for my actions. I have been choosing to eat unhealthy foods because it allows me to focus on food. It allows me to keep being someone who is knee deep in emotional issues, so I keep saying it’s all part of the process. Which yes, it is. We all have our ups and downs. But the difference for me right now is that I need to choose to get back up. I’m not saying I have all of the solutions, but I am committed to keeping my word.

My game plan is as follows:

1. Admit how inauthentic I have been on my blog (I think I’ve pretty much done that)
2.  Plan my food and stick with it. My roommates are 100% on board with me and two of us are going to be working together to stay healthy and give our bodies the best food possible.
3. Blog at least once a week. It keeps me honest, even when I don’t want to be.
4. Continue learning about what my bodies needs. I want to study digestion, and learn what foods our bodies need. I already know a lot, but I want to know more, and I want to be able to explain why to other people.
5.  Get back to exercising on a regular basis. It pains me to admit I haven’t done a real workout in almost a month now. My lack of funds meant I wasn’t able to continue with the Biggest Winner Program at my gym, which was a sad decision for me to make. I told myself that I’d get my exercise through cleaning 8 hours a day at work and biking 10 km to work and back. Well, I’ve been working for a month now but I haven’t biked once. I kept telling myself once I was used to cleaning for 8 hours (because let me tell you, it is exhausting), then I could bike. So my new deal.. if I bike to work then I don’t need to go running. But for every day that I take the bus, I need to go on a run. For now, and then I’ll reassess in a couple of weeks.

What I Learned Today: Did you know that any time you take antibiotics you should be taking a probiotic as well? I knew this but have never really done it before. I was more concerned with just getting rid of the sinus/ear/throat infection that was plaguing me. I spoke with a pharmacist about it yesterday when picking up my prescription and she said that some people could get by through just adding in more yogourt and fermented foods in their diets. However people who already have digestive issues, like me, would benefit tremendously by taking a probiotic pill. I’m also not quite willing to try fermented foods (kefir, sauerkraut and kimchi) yet. I will one day, but for now it still grosses me out. I'm way more invested in my digestion these days, so I picked up a pack of probiotic pills. My timeline is as follows: take my antibiotics, eat 30 minutes later, and then take my probiotic 2 hours later. Yay to fighting against Candida! (Which the more I read about, the more freaked out I feel).

And my parting thoughts.. I am speaking at an event tomorrow about my weight loss story. There could be up to 50 people there. Cue freakout much?! Here’s to hoping I make it through without freezing up.

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Living, Laughing, Loving

Oh wow, there is so much to update people on and lots to write about, I don’t know where to start. These last three weekends have been filled with fun and excitement...impromptu trip to Comox, lazy days at the park with my little cousins, breakfast and babysitting at the Empress, dinner and dancing with an awesome live band, amazing life changing workshops. I could almost forget that in between my weekends was a whole lot of work, teaching, and learning!

Practicum

Today marked the last day of my final practicum and the completion of my undergrad degree. After six long years I have my B.Ed! It really is surreal. I remember first year of university like it was yesterday, and yet I can hardly believe how much has changed since then.

It also seems like yesterday that I was stressing about my final practicum and worrying about what would happen when I was done. Looking back now, the time really did fly by. These past 10 weeks have had a lot of ups and downs but ultimately have been a great learning experience.

I am SO thankful that I was placed at my school. Oaklands has a great staff, they were so welcoming and supportive from the start; I felt like I fit right in. One of my favourite parts of the day was wondering into classes after the kids went home. I spent quite a bit of time discussing teaching strategies, teacher’s responsibilities, exchanging funny student stories, and talking about life in general. It was bittersweet leaving today because although I am truly grateful to be finished, I will miss the staff and my class tremendously. I know I’ll be back to visit though, which made leaving easier.

Many people know that I’ve been pondering about my decision to be a teacher for a while now. I kept hoping that after my final practicum things would be a little clearer. In some ways they are… there are certain aspects about being a teacher that stress me out and make me feel incredibly uncomfortable. However, I know that many of those things could be “solved” as I gain experience. The bottom line is questioning whether my heart is in it or not. There are a number of things about it that appeal to me, and I do have an almost perverse love of office supplies and pretty teacher things. The aspects that I enjoyed the most on this practicum have been my connections with other people. I LOVED talking with my coworkers, and really enjoyed the little moments with my students. This last week in particular has a special place in my heart as I watched the excitement in my students’ eyes as we watched baby chicks hatching before our eyes.

I can see the impact my participation in the Landmark Forum has had on myself though, which could also contribute to my spectacular week. I am excited because what I learned last weekend has allowed me to truly feel comfortable in my own skin, and has me eagerly anticipating this next chapter in my life.

My Landmark Experience

So what is Landmark? I am buzzing with excitement over it. I signed up to do a course through Landmark because a friend of mine did it and I saw the impact it had on her life. You may recognize Bri because she’s the person who inspired me to join BWs and I follow her blog religiously. In fact while looking to find a way to explain this weekend I looked back to her blog about it, and it describes it so well, I’m just going to direct anyone interested to read her blog entry by clicking here.

The Landmark Forum is a weekend course that provides education on how to live powerfully and live a life you love. That’s their slogan, not my own words :P But it really is true. The possibilities I am seeing for my life gives me goose bumps. To sum it up in a sentence: my participation in Landmark has fundamentally transformed the way I look at my life.

I have spent the last few months in a frenzy trying to make sense of my life.

Why can’t I stop turning to food for comfort?
How is my past impacting my current relationships?

Why am I still lacking in self confidence even after losing 100 pounds?
Why can’t I be more proud of all I’ve accomplished?

Why do I put up walls, being vulernable with my friends but only up to a certain point?

Why do I struggle with accepting support?

Why am I so afraid that people will think I’m crazy if they see who I truly am?

I want all these things, but how do I get to them?

What do I want to do with my life?

All of this was playing on a constant loop all while trying to keep up with my exercise routine and being somewhat healthy with my eating during the most stressful time in my academic career. I get tired just thinking about it.

I think one of the most important things I have taken away from Landmark is the futility in trying to “figure things out.” Understanding why I am responding to something does nothing to help me. It doesn’t change my actions and all it does is gives me an excuse that the story I’m telling myself is true, thus perpetuating the situation. It limits my life. It’s human nature so I’m not beating myself up for doing it, in fact I can now look back on these last few years with a smile. It’s kind of cute looking at how badly I was trying to fumble my way through and getting more and more frustrated as time went on. But knowing what I do now has given me a new way to live my life on a day to day basis. What excites me most is knowing that it will only get better with practice.

The other amazing thing I have gotten out of Landmark is a new possibility of an amazing relationship with my sister. Pretty much everyone in my life knew how much I wish I had a better relationship with her, except for her. I always said I wanted to talk to her about it but never got up the courage to do it; I was so afraid of her thinking I was silly or over dramatic. I’ve idolized her pretty much my whole life so I let the idea of admitting how deep my insecurities were paralyze me. And by not taking these actions, I always felt a bit like a fake. I’ve taken great strides to be more authentic and open wherever possible, and yet in one of the relationships that matters to me the most, I did nothing. Long story short, Terri got a phone call from a very teary sister on Sunday morning! We were only able to talk for a short while, as she was on the bus and I needed to get to my course for 9am, but I felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I am visiting her tomorrow and I can’t wait to see her.

It’s interesting, because although I am on a kind of an emotional high, I’m also more present than ever to the amount of effort I will need to put into life. I know that anything I want for my life is possible, but I also know I am the only person who can make it happen. And it starts with me stepping up, following through my word and keeping my integrity.

Things are changing very quickly in my life right now. I start my new job on Sunday and am moving in just under two weeks.  I am looking forward to a wonderful summer of learning new things, meeting new people and really taking charge of my life.

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