What I don't want you to know about me

I've been visiting Victoria this week so last night I went to Landmark's seminar. As always, it was exactly what I needed to hear. This seminar is about dealing powerfully with the breakdowns in your life and creating breakthroughs on demand. Considering all the big life changes I've been making recently, it's no surprise I've been dealing with some breakdowns. In scheduling, in time management, in conversations, and mostly, in all the negative self talk that seems to be rushing back in full force.

Then last night, one woman stood up and started her sharing by saying. "What I don't want you to know about me is..."

BAM. Right away I was focused on what she had to say and was so blown away by her vulnerability. We all have things we don't want to admit to others. We carry guilt and shame around our necks that weigh us down and can often stop us from taking those big leaps in our life. It also stops us from connecting with others. But really, isn't it when someone shares a deep, dark secret that you feel most connected? We can all relate with struggling. If we're lucky, we have people in our life that we can share those places with, and it's so important to hold those people close. I have many people that I can share my fears and insecurities with, and yet I know I still try to hide out. I know I'm more connected when I admit my humanity and yet I still try to hide who I am and put on a happy face even with those who know me best. And why? I don't know why. If I've learned anything in these last 7 months it's that understanding why does nothing to move life forward. What it takes is actions in the face of all that head chatter.

I've tried to write three blog posts about this before. They're all sitting unpublished in my archive. I've alluded to it a few times, but as I'm sitting on the ferry listening to "Brave" by Idina Manzel, I'm finally willing to put the words out in the world.

What I don't want you to know about me is that I'm addicted to sugar and have been struggling with binge eating disorder for as long as I can remember.

It was a little over a year ago when I heard about binge eating disorder. I knew I obviously had an unhealthy relationship with food, but when I heard "eating disorder" I only thought about bulimia and anorexia. I knew I ate too much food, but when it got really bad in high school and the first couple years of university, I would actually pride myself on not having an eating disorder because "at least I didn't throw it up." Or worse, I wish I could throw up so that I would be thinner. I can recall more than a couple of times after a particularly large binge, kneeling on the floor in the bathroom, tears running down my face. I was struggling between wanting to purge and knowing intellectually that it would make things worse. And when I didn't purge, I'd either congratulate myself or call myself a wimp, depending on my mood. That, my dear younger self, is called denial.

For those who don't know, binge eating disorder is characterized by eating of a large quantity of food in a short amount of time accompanied by a feeling of lack of control and without subsequent purging. There are more symptoms that can be found here and here if you're interested.

Now I'm much more informed and equipped. The most frightening thing for me is realizing how common it is. Stats on binge eating disorder say it occurs in 2% in men and 3.5% of women, almost twice as common as bulimia and anorexia put together. And yet I always felt so alone. So many of us suffer in silence.

I was waiting to post about this until I could say I had fully "conquered" it. So that, again, I could be a role model to those who may have been suffering in silence like me. Well enough of that. I could be one right now. Even if just one person reads this and feels more connected, well then, that's worth it for me.

Because what has taken me years to realize is not only am I beautiful, intelligent, and compassionate, but my struggles with food does absolutely nothing to counteract that. I'm not entirely free yet, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel that's coming closer with every step I take. I know I can't do this alone and I've been trying to for too long.

My request to you.. if you are struggling, in secret or not, reach out. There are a lot of services out there, from Overeaters Anonymous to websites to eating disorder clinics. And I am always here if you want to share something with me. I've been there. I've felt the guilt, the shame, the disgust, the frustration, the despair. And I'm here to say you are NOT ALONE. You are beautiful. You are worthy of love. You are absolutely perfect. And you are loved, more than you could even imagine.

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The beginnings of a blog makeover

You may have noticed my blog looks a little different. And you can expect much more to come.

When I started almost two years ago, this was my tagline:

Half Sized Teacher: Losing half my body weight and discovering what I'm passionate about.

I thought that once I reached my goal weight, that magic "150", I'd have life figured out. And even though I told people it wasn't about the number, I always had that little voice saying once I was skinny I'd be "fixed." My body would be a walking example of how I'd conquered all my inner demons. Of course, I'd hear the voice and then just push it away and say "No, I don't believe that, numbers don't define me." And yet really it's exactly what I think. Accepting that, I find myself breathing a little easier. I don't need to pretend anymore. At the moment of writing this sentence, I think that in order to be truly happy, I need to be physically smaller. And you know what's so neat about that? I'm the one doing the thinking. My inner voice can say allll she wants. I hear her. And I understand. And I'm going to go about my day being awesome and creating happiness every day.

My time as a blogger has been an incredible roller coaster ride for me. I haven't lost half my body weight yet, but I sure as hell discovered what I'm passionate about. And more than that, I've discovered that I've known all along. I was just too scared to talk about it.

I am passionate about authenticity
I am passionate about healthy living
I am passionate about education
I am passionate about being in nature
I am passionate about love
I am passionate about family
I am passionate about connection
I am passionate about confronting insecurities
I am passionate about stepping outside the comfort zone
I am passionate about contributing to other people
I am passionate about making a difference in this world
I am passionate about self care
I am passionate about hugging
I am passionate about all my geeky obsessions
I am passionate about other people being passionate and fulfilled
I am passionate about BUSTING through the limits I impose on myself
I am passionate about reaching out when all I want to do is hide out
I am passionate about living true to myself
I am passionate about people knowing themselves as beautiful, worthy, incredible human beings

I think you get the idea.. this list could go on forever.

Creating this blog was a huge step outside of my comfort zone and was amazing for me. And I realized lately I felt constrained by it. I'd avoid blogging, feel bad, get inspired to write again, write something and say "I'll proof read it tomorrow." And then judge what I wrote so much I wouldn't post it. In the last year I have 13 fully written blog posts that I haven't ever published. 13? 13?! Sorry, I hadn't counted before tonight, I didn't realize how many there were. This writing and not posting stops now. I am the only one constraining myself.  It is SO not who I am anymore. I know I have something powerful to share and I created this blog a long time ago as a platform to share. I love writing and I've really missed putting my words out there for others to read.

There are a lot of inspiring public figures people that I follow regularly... Brene Brown, Dr. Lissa Rankin, Geneen Roth, Gabrielle Bernstein. What I admire most about these women is that they all stand up for what they think is possible. They are unrelenting in sharing what matters to them. That is who I have always aspired to be.

I am also so very grateful that I have "real" people in my day to day life that lift me up. Shout outs to three people in particular who have so inspired me with their courage online lately: Bri Westhaver, Sarah Sihota, and Kelsey Mech. Your blog posts are so raw, vulnerable and authentic.

Why am I mentioning these incredible women? Because they, along with my non-blogging heros, have served as a giant spot light on how I'd been so inauthentic on my own blog.

No more being scared to post what I'm really thinking. This blog is about my journey in living a healthy life, yes, and it's so much more than that. It's about who I am and sharing what I'm truly passionate about.

http://www.onefabulouslife.com/out-of-your-comfort-zone.html

Time to get a little uncomfortable again! No more hiding quietly. Time to shout it out loud and proud. Hey world, this is who I am! This is what matters to me. Let's connect.


Coming soon: a visual make over! I was so out of touch with this blog I didn't notice my free template disappeared back in November. I don't have the time to create everything tonight, but expect some changes coming soon!

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