Cloud 9

I thought nothing could beat yesterday but then today happened! I'm on cloud 9 right now and just loving it. My super awesome happy list of 9 things to get me to cloud 9:

1) Got a really good nights sleep so showed up to bootcamp energetic and ready to rock!

2) Lost 3.8 pounds this week!! Meaning I'm officially down another decade - 91 pounds! Only 9 more to go till my big milestone!! It's probably at least a pound of hair that's gone after my haircut, but it's still great.

3) Laughed like crazy at Magic Brian's show, so awesome. Love the busker's festival!

4) Fit into a bra at La Senza!! Non plus bras/clothes are crazy cheap. Made my day. 

5) Had enough energy to walk home from downtown! All in all, walked 5 km today :) On top of 2 hour boot camp!

6) GOT A NEW PLACE TO LIVE!! The place is wonderfully gorgeous and I am so, so lucky. My wonderful, supportive, loving, former practicum supervisor is now my landlord and trusting me to keep her beautiful home in top shape so they can try selling it again next summer! 

7) Found out today that a close family friend (basically another Uncle) saw a picture of me and didn't recognize me! I forgot that he hasn't seen me all year. 

8) Had a super long, fun, lovely talk with Caroline via Skype!! And we promised each other that if one of us did the half marathon in October the other would too.. so it looks like I might be jogging/walking a heck of a lot to prepare!

9) Found out about an amazing deal at my bootcamp! So all of you in Victoria who have been following my blog - you can have great success too! I'm amazed at how much my strength and endurance has increased in just a month. They're offering a full one month unlimited classes pass for only $49. Both their indoor and outdoor classes.. so typical bootcamp, baby  spin, drills, kettlebells, it's all included. It's usually $200 so this is a steal of a deal! You have to buy it by August 4th (next Saturday) but you can use it for September if you're not in town/too busy in August. Make sure you mention me when you buy your pass - you may help to keep me in bootcamp another month!! 

If any friends want to do bootcamp in September with me but aren't on the Island right now, I can buy a pass for you if you want to email me the money. You won't regret it! Kick a$$ classes that are also fun! And with a staff that learns your name and a group of people of all shapes and sizes. And then you'll see me more too :) Check out their website for more info on their classes: http://www.bdhq.ca/

So yes. That is my day. Full of awesome. I feel like a giddy teenager or something. And now I'm headed to bed because I have to get up early-ish to try out a new "Killer Skills and Drills" class tomorrow. Gotta get points for the Olympic challenge at bootcamp!

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Feeling confident

Just a quick update today - I'm finally home with enough time that I'll get a decent night's sleep tonight! Yay! That means tomorrow I'll finally have a bootcamp class where I'm not tired before I even start.

Today was over all awesome. Had some really great, rewarding moments at work. Got a haircut and *finally* touched up my roots! Then I went to dinner with Jordana and Nicole and spent the night wandering around downtown Victoria checking out the Busker's Festival. It was so much fun and I haven't laughed so much in a long time. And then on the bus ride home I chatted up a cute exchange student named Malik. That's right - me, Susie, initiated a conversation with someone I thought was cute. Call me lame but it's something I've never had the confidence to do, so I am celebrating it here. 

Oh, and the best part about today?

I FIT AN XL SHIRT AT SMART SET!! Which means I can now fit into Ricky's, Smart Set, and the Gap. I've doubled the amount of stores that I can shop in, haha. I can't wait for back to school shopping. This is the first time that I've been able to look at a shirt and say "it fits, but it's not flattering enough so I won't get it." Usually there are very limited options at plus size stores so you just take whatever fits best. I'm looking forward to developing a style! With the help of all my fashionable friends who have promised to take me shopping! :) 

And because I had a geek moment and took these pictures.. I shall share them. I took them while I was waiting outside at the Starbucks. I had just left Smart Set and was feeling pretty good about myself, hence the pictures.

I can sorta cross my legs now! My thunder thighs are still a bit too big, so it's not the most comfortable position, but I will take it! And also, I loved my sandles, so they had to be included. I've spent most of the summer either at Curves (so workout gear) or actually working out, so I haven't worn a cute outfit with nice shoes in a while. It felt pretty damn good :)

I remember sitting in that exact spot over a year ago and my thighs touching against the edges. Not anymore baby! I had a bit of space on the other side too :)

Needless to say, I've had a wonderful last couple of days. It's been a tough month with all my family stuff, so it felt really refreshing to have the light hearted moments. Blondes really do have more fun :)

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Weekend Report Card

4 days away, 3 big family events, 2 different cities, 1 person trying to stay healthy:
Food: A- (would be an A but I did indulge in some treats and had a few days of only 3-4 meals)

Exercise: B
Water: C+

Family: A+++

I did it! I not only passed my “test” this weekend, but I actually lost weight! I’m down 1.4 pounds this week. I thoroughly enjoyed spending time with my family and didn’t feel deprived at all, which to me is even more rewarding than the weight loss. I ate when I could and the best that I could. I even had two small pieces of the mint chocolate cake on Saturday night! I didn’t let my emotions control me after my Grandpa’s service on Friday, which I am probably most proud of. We had to go straight to the ferry after the service and I was so disappointed to see that they didn’t have a buffet on the boat we were on. This meant I had to stand in line for about 25 minutes and be tormented by the smell of fries. Combine that with my heavy heart and all I wanted to do was stuff my face with sweet potato fries and a monty mushroom burger. Thankfully I was with my Nana and we pressured each other into getting the wild salmon dinners instead. I wasn’t completely satisfied, but I told myself that it would have to be enough. I kept all my promises to myself, other than the running two of the days. I only got out for a run once, but if you take into account all the setting up and clean up for the big party I still got exercise!

My other super exciting moment of the weekend was going shopping with my Great Aunt (the birthday girl!). She was a blast to shop with and we were both really successful at Reitmans! I found an outfit that was made up entirely of clothes on the regular side of the store! No plus size! See:

My new goal is to be shopping in all regular stores by the time I need a back to school outfit. I can do it, I know I can! :)

The one thing my body is not so happy about is that I am really sleep deprived. We were up super late every night, which my body is not used to anymore! I’ve also been away from home quite a bit lately. In the last three weeks I’ve been to the mainland 3 times and up to Comox once. Plus adding in bootcamp, so my days are very very busy! I think I need a day just to myself. To sleep in, clean for a couple of hours and then spend the rest of day doing nothing but reading or watching a movie cuddled with my cat. I can feel it in my work outs that I’m tired, which is getting a bit frustrating. Yesterday I didn’t even break a sweat on the Curves circuit because I was too tired to push myself. Unfortunately, my manager at work is out with a back injury, so I had to take over a couple of her shifts. 

Tomorrow is going to be the most interesting interesting day.. I'm working 6am-1:15, 3 hour break and then 4-8pm. Then the next morning I'm there from 6am-1:15pm again! Thank goodness I did a grocery run Tuesday morning. I have all my meals packed for tomorrow, except dinner. I don't have enough in my fridge to throw something together so on my 3 hour break I will do some meal planning and a quick grocery shop.

Because of everything that's going on, my day of relaxation probably won’t happen until August long weekend. Which is the same weekend as the Warrior Dash! Wow, that day is coming up quickly! I was concerned that I wouldn’t be ready for the Warrior Dash after only a month of bootcamp, but apparently I didn’t need to worry! Even though I’m not in top shape, I am amazed at how much my endurance has increased. I won’t be running for the full 5km, but I will be running for as much as I can! Before I started bootcamp I would run from my house to the mailbox and be super winded. Now I can make it a few blocks before needing to stop! I really pushed myself today at bootcamp with the running.. I love the feeling of sweat pouring down my forehead and my legs feeling completely exhausted. Now if only my core strength would improve so quickly...

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Eating on the go

I feel like I'm about to take a test. I'm spending 4 days away from home, which is the most I've spent in a while. Tomorrow is also my grandpa's service and I'm not sure how I'll get through the day without letting my emotions take over. For me, the scary thing is I don't have much planned in terms of food. I have no idea what my food will look like day to day and I will just have to make the best choices I can. Usually when I go away I have as much planned as possible so that I'm not tempted to eat junk. So in a way, the next few days will be a test. I'm letting go of the control, and I'm hoping all my good habits stay nicely in place. I think they will, but it's still nerve racking.

I've set myself up for as much success as possible though..

1) I brought my protein powder from home. This way, all I need is some fruit, ice and milk and I can whip up a tasty meal.
2) I have my trusty bag of almonds with me. I never leave home without them anymore, you never know when you might get super hungry and just need something to tide you over.
3) I brought my bag of flaxseed with me. I bought some at Costco the other day and I am loving it in my oatmeal.
4) A good chunk of my family reads this blog, so I know I'll get nothing but support from them. I won't have to justify why I say no or read every nutritional label before I take a bite :)

And I suppose I am planned a little bit. I have my regular go tos that are super easy and worst case scenario I'll ask to go for a quick grocery run. Or even if I don't have my go tos on hand, I can still pick the right kind of food (protein/starch/fruit/etc) and make sure my portion sizes are in check.

Go to breakfast: anything that is protein + starch + fruit
1) Protein pancakes
2) Oatmeal with flaxseed and berries and 2 fried eggwhites
3) 2 eggs, 1 piece of toast, fruit of choice

Go to snacks: protein + veggies/fruits + dairy
1) Protein shake (feels like I'm cheating because they are SO yummy)
2) Edamame beans (new obsession) and apple/pear/peach/other fruit
3) Greek yogourt or cottage cheese with fruit

Go to lunch: protein + starch + butt load of veggies

Go to dinner: 2 protein + fat + veggies

Now that I type it all out, I am a lot less nervous. I think the main thing will be avoiding temptations like cake and treats, which when I am around family is actually easier than when I'm by myself. I don't mean to say that I'm trying to deprive myself, I don't plan on it. I might have a few bites of something, but I'm not going to go overboard like I usually would. Why? Simple - it's not worth it. My body is so used to healthy, clean foods that if I try to eat crap, I feel disgusting. And right now, I am SUPER motivated to meet my goals. I can practically taste "normal size stores." I'm in a very public challenge at work. I'm paying a whole whack of money for bootcamp.

Also, I sort of already had my splurge meal this week. *Confessional time* Earlier this week PMS won out and I bought myself some DQ ice cream. Small sundae with half the amount of dipped chocolate and I loved every bite.

I think what I'm nervous about is that my good intentions will fly out the windows during buffet meals. When it's make something specific and eat it, I usually don't have a problem. It's the appies before dinner with the delicious dips, meats etc. that are my downfall.

SO.. my promise to myself?

1) I promise that when I feel like grabbing chocolate or dips I will stop and think first. Why am I doing this? Since the most likely answer will be because I'm sad, instead I will go find a family member and hug them.
2) I promise when it comes to appies, I can only go to the table TWICE. That's right, twice and that is it. And each time my plate has to be 3/4 veggies.
3) I promise I will walk/run/hike at least 2 of the next 3 days.
4) I promise that I will not expect myself to be perfect. Tomorrow will be an incredibly tough day for me emotionally and I refuse to beat myself up for whatever happens. If things don't go as I want them to I will not let it derail my day/weekend/week. This is my life and I'm in it for the long run, I know I can't be all healthy food all the time 24/7.

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Inbetweeners Lament

Today started off a great day.. coffee with a new friend followed by an amazing one hour massage. At 10 am I walked out of my massage feeling on top of the world and ready to go buy myself a new outfit! 6 hours (and countless shops and a friend's closet) later, I was still basically empty handed. I have a couple options, but none of them that made me feel super hot and confident. I am in the very awkward in between stage. My upper body is too small for most of the smallest plus size tops but my lower body is too big for most regular store pants. And since the style of tops this year is apparently loose at the top and tight at the bottom, I was hooped.

But as frustrating as today was, I will be thankful for a few things:
1) I actually have the energy to spend 6 hours walking around Victoria and trying on clothes. I used to get sweaty after the first few clothes in one store - that I drove or bused to! I wish I hadn't put my pedometer in the washer because I bet my steps would have been incredible.
2) I am *SO* close to being able to fit into a regular store. 90% of the things I own are from 4 stores so I'm both excited and scared to have more options available for me.
3) I do actually fit in some regular store clothing! In fact, I tried on an XL at the Gap and it was too big!!

So, well I don't have the "perfect new outfit" I was hoping for, I am still considering today a good day. Especially since even after 6 hours of shopping, I managed to do a 50 minute run along the Songhees during bootcamp. And thanks to Chris pushing me to keep going, I ran way more than I walked. I googled the length and it says 5.28 km for the whole walk, but we must not have done the whole thing because there's no way I could run the majority of 10 km. Or could I? The trainer said I had made it almost to the end. Hmm, I will have to ask her tomorrow - at the 6am workout!

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Results

Sorry for the no posts in a while, I've been battling all my various emotions this week and haven't felt much like writing. Because I've been travelling back and forth to the mainland so much I haven't had as much time to plan my food like I usually do either. Which means I am spending time during the day figuring it out, leaving even less time for blogging. I much prefer getting it all figured out on the weekend. It makes for a much more enjoyable week!

I had some very exciting results yesterday though. I stepped on the scale and it read 213! Since I gained last week it meant that I was down a significant amount! (I was 218 in the morning and 220 at night, so it depends on which record you want to look that I suppose). My cousin pointed out that I only needed to lose 14 more pounds to hit my 100 lb/ONEderland goal. It seems so surreal! 14 pounds is nothing! I can do that no problem. I've lost 86.6 pounds since last May, 14 pounds is just a drop in the bucket :) Especially over the summer when I have more free time and fruits and veggies are so cheap!

In some ways it surprises me that I'm losing weight. I eat ALL the time. And so much. Seriously. If you saw how big my food bag is every day you'd never believe I could lose so much in one week. But that's what I love about Curves Complete and Clean Eating.. it's healthy, wholesome food. It's not about starving yourself. I hate diets. I hate dieting. Anyone who has heard me talk about it knows I've always been more of a pusher of "lifestyle change."And now it's all just clicking into place. I don't feel like I'm dieting at all. I eat when I want. I eat basically what I want. And I treat myself. It's just different kind of treats. I make my own peanut butter banana frozen yogourt. I have chocolate protein shakes. Losing the last 26 pounds has kind of been a shock. Because for most of it, I wasn't focusing on weight loss. I look in the mirror sometimes and think "wow, I need to put my pyjama top in the dryer, it's getting baggy." But then I remind myself that nope, it's not getting baggy because it's time for a wash. This is me now. This is my body. I'm shrinking.

I spent some time this morning looking at my old blog from Weight Watchers online. In one of them I talk about how frustrating it is to be at 270+ pounds and not being able to do the exercises that I want to do. Which, at that weight, it was hard. But now? Now I feel like I can do anything. On Sunday I ran around downtown Victoria for over an hour and half, stopping to go up and down hills and doing stairs/tricep dips/push ups at St Ann's Academy. Having a trainer there to push you to go harder than you want to is awesome. And having someone jogging beside you saying "keep going, we're almost there!" is so motivating.

It makes me more determined to be in the circuit t work. My members are jokingly calling me the drill sergeant now, and asking where my whip is. And it's true, I suppose. I know how amazing of a  workout you can get at Curves. I sweat BUCKETS every time I go around. And that's because I am good at pushing myself. But some people need that extra push, and I am more than willing to give it to them.

Sadly, my old Curves blog that I used more often says "account denied." I think they closed down the website :( But it was still interesting going through and reading what I used to write on the WW site. I can see the growth from post to post. Especially now that I compare it with these ones. I can truly and honestly say I have a different outlook on life. I hope next year I come back and read my last few posts on here and feel the same way.

Also, I posted some more pictures of my "Me In Pictures" page.

I only wish I looked this amazing running, but I love the quote so I am using it. 

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Grandparents

The last few days have been pretty tough. Two of my grandpas have been in the hospital (funny enough in rooms right next to each other!) and every time I get a call or text from my family, it's always worse news. Today I got the worst call of all. One of my grandpas probably won't be making it through the night. I'm on the ferry right now, praying that I make it home in time. My emotions are all over the place.. from incredible grief, to relief that his pain is almost over, to stress of work I'm leaving behind, to worrying about missed workouts, to love for my family. I can't just settle on one so it seems. The next few days will definitely be a test for my still fresh habits. But I am determined not to turn to food for comfort. I know the instant gratification of sugar to my lips will be replaced with feeling sick. Sick both from the fact that my body is not used to sugary crap anymore and sick emotionally because I've been working so hard to break my unhealthy dependency on food.

I am sad because I'll be missing my bootcamp and Curves workouts, but I am still determined to find a way to exercise while I am home. I know going for a walk/job will help to clear my mind and make me stronger.

The thing that scares me the most is that I know even after this, I have so much more grief to come. I have 9 grandparents still living. All my grandparents divorced and remarried before I was born, and I have a set of great grandparents. I have only ever lost one grandparent, my Papa. Who I was incredibly close with and still miss to this day. It pains me knowing the pain I will be going through as I lose each one of them, but I would never in a million years trade that if it meant giving up my memories. So, in honour of my grandpa, this post is dedicated to my wonderful, wonderful grandparents.

Papa: he was an absolutely incredible man. I loved him so much and have so many great memories with him. He was always laughing, always smiling, always giving everything he could to his family. He was also always ahead of his time.. I remember playing video games on his computer before most kids even knew what a computer was. And because of him, we have some great family moments caught on tape. I remember the first time I realized Papa was "human" though, was when I found out a few years after he died that he smoked when he was younger. Shocked me and I mentally scolded him. But from Papa, I learned how important a simple smile can be. I know without a doubt that my tendency to always have a smile on my face comes from him.

Granny Lee: Granny married Papa sometime before I was born and is one of the main reasons I know without a doubt that you don't need to share blood to be family. She's always been one of my quirkier grandma's, and I wouldn't have it any other way. With Granny, I can always be myself. The good, the bad, the moody, the irritable.. she's seen it all and loves me just the same. Visiting Granny usually means lots of laughing, some serious conversations, walking along the beach, touring the garden, making something crafty after I finished picking through her piles and piles of fabric, and crying to Moulin Rouge over a glass of wine and bowl of moose tracks ice cream. And Granny, sorry for using a run on sentence to describe our visits, I couldn't resist. :) Thank you for always making sure I treasured my family, and understood just how important unconditional love is.

Nana: I always like to say that my mom is a less intense version of her mom and that I am a less intense version of my mom. That should give you some insight :) Nana is smart, creative, energetic, dedicated, determined, and crazy about her family. From Nana, I've learned that no matter how busy you are, you drop everything to help those you love. I've also learned how to throw a pretty good party. While I admit I hope I never have the extensive serving dish/cutlery/cup collection that she has, since she basically furnished my entire kitchen I can't complain. Because I've grown up watching Nana, I am not afraid to ask strangers for what I need. If a friend/family is in the hospital, I will go talk to the nurses. I will make things happen. And I will be *nice* about it, not rude. (Unless of course it's someone who is being completely irresponsible. I'm still working on my Nana stare, it's pretty close). What I've probably learned most from Nana though, is to always, ALWAYS buckle up for safety. ;)

Randy: Everyone finds it funny when I call him "my Randy." But to me, Randy is just another synonym for Grandpa. I won't go into the reasons why I don't call him grandpa, I wouldn't want to push my Nana's apparent sensitivity to the age difference. :P But if I can't get a hold of my Dad, Randy is always the next person I call. In typical man fashion, he has helped talk me through car troubles and fix various broken things around my house. We've also had great conversations over the dinner table.. whether it be teenage brains, governmental policies or the latest research on whatever medical issue is currently ailing a family member. I'm always amazed at the depth of his knowledge, and enjoy all of our conversations. From Randy, I've learned to appreciate hard work, patience and above all, love for family. My only regret is that I don't actually have his genes, because I'd love to be taller!! :)

Grandma Bysouth: Grandma is Randy's Mom, so "technically" we're not related by blood. But like I said, blood doesn't matter in our blended family. When we love, we love with all our hearts. And Grandma certainly lives by that. Always smiling, always full of love. That's how I picture her every time I think of her. I remember when they lived at their old, gorgeous house along the Nicomekl River. That will always be one of my favourite places in the world. We cousins also knew exactly where the neat "old dolls" were kept in the crawl space and grandma was so great about letting us play with her precious dolls.

Grandpa Bysouth: Unfortunately, this Grandpa is one of the ones in the hospital right now. He is not the one I'm rushing home to see, but I am still very worried about him. I am so, so proud that I can call him my grandpa. Anyone who's involved in the community in Langley City knows Eric. Always writing editorials to the papers, on so too many committees to remember, winning awards for service left right and center, Grandpa B taught me how important it is to give back to your community. Just the other night he was one of 60,000 Canadians given a Queen Diamond Jubilee Medal in honour of his service. How cool is that?!?!?


Grandpa Bowles: this one is tougher for me to write, because of all my grandparents, he is who I see the least. I suppose it's harder for me to not be as close with him and Gma Bowles because I have such great relationships with all my other grandparents. But I remember spending time with him growing up, always wanting to play in his enormous back yard. Which, I am sad to say, is now a Canadian Tire. Every time I drive past it I glare at whatever vehicle I decide is "parked on top of Grandpa's house!"

Grandma Bowles: While I don't have very many recent memories with her, I will always remember the time I spent with her when I was a child. We'd go over to their place all the time, and I would sit on a stool in their basement and watch as she painted such beautiful work. I can't quite describe what it is she painted.. wooden ornaments that people would put in their gardens or on their shelves? If that makes sense? I still have the blue fairy she painted for me in my room at home and I will always treasure it.

Grandma Nickel: I so love this woman. Birthday parties were always split between my cousin, me, and Grandma N because our birthdays are on the 6th, 7th, and 8th respectively. But I never felt put out because of this. I felt special. Because I got to share my birthday with my grandma, and since I was younger I usually got to sit in her lap to blow out the candles :) (when I was younger of course). So many wonderful memories growing up. I still miss that house in Surrey. It was with Grandma N's help that I developed my money and service skills. I'd always help her with her First Avenue Jewelry shows.. either as a greeter or the accountant. And I loved every minute! Fast forward to the last couple of years and I can't decide what my favourite thing is about her. My top three: 1) her quiet and calm way of loving; 2) she always stays in touch. I can be so terrible about calling/emailing, but without a doubt at least once a month, I will have an email from Grandma wanting to know how I'm doing, and offering up stories of her own life. It always lifts my spirits; 3) her strength. As I've grown older, I've learned more about what my Grandma's life was like before she met Grandpa N. The fact that she is who she is: strong, loving, forgiving.. just blows me away. From Grandma, I have learned that if you believe in yourself, your family and your faith, that you can survive anything and come out happier on the other end.

Grandpa Nickel: This one is the absolute hardest to write, which is why I suppose I left him for last. Grandpa is who I am hoping I get to see one last time. Growing up, Grandpa made the best crepes around. Even to this day, I've yet to find one I enjoy more. I had no idea how painful it would be to realize I'd never hear him crack another joke. Or snap beautiful pictures of the family. Or see his beautiful dahlias for sale at Ralphs. There's so much more that I should say about him, but I can't because I don't want to be the blubbering idiot on the ferry.

It may seem out of place to talk about my grandparents in so much detail on this blog, but when I think about, it makes perfect sense. My grandparents were my role models growing up. They are as much as part of me as my parents are. I'm a complete sap for family and a large part of that is growing up surrounded by them. And now, as I go through my journey of figuring out who I am and living a more healthy lifestyle, my grandparents are my biggest supporters. It's important to have people in your life that believe in you and I am so fortunate to have so much unconditional love. I am terrified of losing them, and it only gets scarier as I get older and realize how much I will miss them. But that is life. That is why we have to make every moment count. For me, death is always a reminder of what is important in life. Will I always remember that I missed a training session at work? No. Will I always remember the time spent laughing with the people I love? You betcha. I want to be healthy so that one day when I have a family of my own, I pass on on healthy habits. As a society, we are so much more aware of the health issues. Some say that we are too aware and can't enjoy life anymore. I say that one of the most important things you can do is build a healthy relationship with food. Don't look at it as the enemy. Look at it as the vehicle for fuelling your body so that you can be the friend, parent, child, sibling, cousin, and grandparent that you want to be.

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Birthday fun

I should really be in bed right now, but I realized it's been almost a week since my last post and I wanted to say something super quick. My top 5 moments over the weekend:

1) My friends throwing me a surprise party for my birthday. I came pretty close to crying! Especially when I saw that they had made all healthy food. Love, love, love them all!

2) Using my time wisely. When I woke up, wide awake, at 7am on my birthday day rather than grumbling at not being able to sleep, I got up, got dressed and went outside. I did a hour and 15 minute jog/walk with a stop at the local park to do some planks, pushups and tricep dips! My workout wasn't as good as if I was at bootcamp, but it was better than nothing!

3) Spending my birthday day walking/shopping/talking with my sister. Was so great not only to catch up with her but have another person that will talk about fitness and healthy eating with me extensively :)

4) During the family birthday party, I was so proud of my portion control. The food was absolutely delicious (gourmet as my Nana put it) AND super healthy. But even still, I made sure my plate my 1/4 protein, 1/4 starch and 1/2 veggies/fruits. It was perfect. And then came dessert - I went for all fruit and a tiny bit of whipping cream. Wasn't even all that tempted by the cake or chocolate desserts. I had indulged enough at my surprise party.

5) Having so many wonderful discussions with my cousins, aunts, and grandparents.

Things to improve on:

1) Not turn to Starbucks all the time when I need a quick fix. The protein drink is tasty and good in a pinch, but should not be a staple. And at $5 a pop, I can't afford to have it every other day!

2) Getting workouts in even when I'm tired/not in Victoria. I managed to hit around 15,000 steps every day while I was gone, but it was mostly slow walking. Other than my jog Saturday morning I didn't get a ton of exercise in.

That's all for now! I have all morning shifts at work this week which means getting out of bed between 4:20 and 4:30. I'm aiming to be asleep by 9 every night.

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Finding the perfect title takes too long

I've spent a lot of time reflecting since I woke up this morning. Last night someone posted a video on facebook with the quote "why does it hurt you that I don't hate myself?" Of course I instantly loved it. I stumbled across Meghan Torjes and her music a few years back so was really intrigued when I noticed at the bottom of the video, it mentioned this Project Lifesize channel. She and other women post almost daily about issues such as fat acceptance, eating disorders, beauty ideals and all other things right up my ally. I've only watched a few of the videos because they were all inspiring me to write!

Their videos had me thinking about my own journey and blog. More specifically it got me thinking about what my blog says about me and my values. I think I liked to pretend that it was just my ramblings about life and not really important. But the moment I decided to post my updates on facebook it stopped being that. It became me saying "hey, I have these thoughts, opinions, successes and struggles and I am interested in sharing them." I was shocked to see that over 130 people read my blog post about facing fears yesterday. And by shocked I mean giddy that people actually cared about what I wrote. Either that or they were interested in my picture/weigh in results, haha. Either way, I can't pretend that what I write is just for me anymore. Yes, a HUGE part of it is giving me an outlet to figure out my own issues and openly discussing them instead of hiding away like I did the first 22 years of my life. But a part of it has become to inspire others to make healthier decisions in their lives.

So.. what is the point of today's blog? For me to really look at my journey and to clarify who I am doing it for.

When Cindi and I first joined Curves those many, many years ago, it was all about losing weight before I started university. It was about me feeling I was missing out on life because I was fat. That I couldn't do the things I wanted to because I didn't fit society's beauty norms. I wanted someone to love me and call me pretty. But more than that, I wanted to feel like I was worthy of someone loving me and calling me pretty.

In second year in university when I began to seriously lose weight again, I don't know what exactly my intentions were. I was sick of feeling fat and unhappy and wanted to make a serious change. But there was still that underlying want to be loved and accepted for my body, not just my personality. I still felt like I was missing out on my life because I was fat.

Fast forward to now and this is a much more complicated question for me. Yes, I feel pressure from society to be smaller. I see the look I get from strangers. They judge me before I've even opened my mouth. They look at my body and can't see the healthy food I fuel it with or how many workouts I do a week. They know nothing about me and I am not doing this for them. It isn't all about the number on the scale. Yes, of course I get super excited when I see the number go down and down each week. But it's so much more than that. The courses I took to get Curves Complete certified really changed my outlook. I became interested in health and nutrition. I realized that if I kept up with my old habits of eating crap and not exercising, it would lead to diabetes, heart conditions, joint pain/injuries and other scary health conditions. The week before I left for my first practicum last Spring I was diagnosed with arthritis in my right knee from an injury a few years back. And then I spent 3 weeks with energetic grade 1s and it was exhausting for me to just crouch down beside their desks. It was a real wake up call for me. I needed to take better care of myself. I needed to be a better role model for my future students and my future family. 

For the first time I am truly doing this for me. I am becoming the person I want to be. This is about me taking back control and doing this to be healthy. Not to get a boyfriend. Not to please someone else. It doesn't mean I don't want either of those things. But that it's not the most important reason anymore. I'm building a better relationship with food. I'm learning how strong my body is. I'm meeting people who every day inspire me to be a better version of myself. I am also learning that this whole "I am missing out on things because I am fat" attitude that I've had for forever was just another excuse. I can do bootcamp. I can go swimming. I WILL do the Warrior Dash for crying out loud. It's all mind games. 


So, to clarify. I am not losing weight because the media tells us that you must be a certain size to be attractive. I think that people deserve to be loved at all shapes and sizes. I am also not doing this to prove that I am some perfect person with infallible will power. I am losing weight because more often than not, I am choosing to exercise and fill my body with healthy, wholesome food that makes me feel good. Treats are actually treats now, not a staple. I am losing weight because somewhere in the last few years, I realized that I am worth it. I will claim those few hours a day to exercise, cook and plan meals rather than saying yes to everything. I am worth the time and energy it takes to be healthy. 

Wouldn't it be powerful if you fell in love with yourself so deeply that you would do just about anything if you knew it would make you happy?  ~Alan Cohen

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Facing fears

First off, I want to say thank you to everyone who called, emailed, texted, commented and hugged me after my last post. It definitely gave me a warm fuzzy feeling. While I know that everyone has bad days, struggles, and fears.. when you are stuck in the middle of your own windstorm of emotions it can be hard to remember that. I feel much stronger now, and I am once again taking on the challenge of building my fitness level.

I had a fabulous workout the next day, on Sunday. First official class of the 3 month session! We started with a fitness test, which was just a tad abysmal. You'd think after a year of working out hard at Curves, swimming etc that I'd be more fit? I still can't do a push up to save my life. Or hold a plank for more than 20 seconds. But hey, we all start somewhere right?  I have a lot of admiration for everyone who started bootcamp at their lowest level of fitness! I can't even imagine how hard bootcamp would be had I not spent a year losing weight and building muscle with Curves. I have so much more strength now than when I started. One of the things I love about bootcamp is that my workouts at Curves are so much better now, even after only a week of doing it. I can already tell that my muscles are stronger because I can push myself that much further on the machines. And pushing yourself to the max for 30 seconds at a time isn't nearly as hard as pushing yourself for the whole 2 hour bootcamp! I'm also a better coach, because I've seen how what people can achieve at bootcamp at any weight, so I am not letting my members tell me they can't do something. I enjoy being in the circuit getting my members to work harder, even if they don't, haha! 

My super exciting good news is that I weighed in on Sunday... and I am now 217 pounds! I lost 5 pounds in the last week, for 82.6 gone in total! I'm down into another decade :) I know I won't be losing so much every week, but it sure is nice when you start something new and see huge results like that right away! My next milestone of 199 is looking more achievable every week. It will take dedication, hard work and will power, but I know I will get there.

The other great thing about this long weekend is that I DID go to a class with "the skinnies" (I did not coin that name, I heard someone else call them that and it made me laugh because YAY we shared a similar fear!). I went to something called "The Drill" which is an hour and a half of doing stations. Things from spinning on bikes to tire jumping jacks to chin ups to kettlebells. A little bit of everything in that class! Thank goodness I had Flora with me showing me how to do it all, I was SO appreciative. And it wasn't scary working out with tiny fit bodies all around like I thought it would be. It was actually really impressive to see how strong people are and to see what they were able to do. I may have also been dreaming of the day where I would be that fit. Everyone was there to get a good workout and were concentrating on their own thing, not scoffing at the fat chick who modified almost all the stations. Fear = faced. Next step is going to a workout not knowing if anyone else I know will be there. But even that doesn't scare me as much anymore. Funny how that happens.

I also had a moment during Drill that kinda summed up the whole past year for me. I picked up a kettlebell that I thought weighed 88 pounds and it was SO heavy. I couldn't believe that I had essentially lost all of that off my body in the last year. It was my own personal Biggest Loser vest run I suppose :) And then the best part.. the trainer told me I had the wrong one, the one I was holding was only 70 pounds. Below is a picture of me holding the actual 88 lb one. (Don't mind the sweatiness, I had just finished an hour and a half intense workout!) 

Thanks to Flora who took the photo for me :)  I'm hunched over kind of weird because that thing was HEAVY! I didn't want to try walking around the room with it, so I can't imagine those during Biggest Loser who would run around the track. No wonder it used to be so difficult for me to get off the couch. It felt really amazing to put that kettlebell back down and walk away from all that poundage. I felt light on my feet the whole day, that's for sure!

All and all, it was a great long weekend full of friends, laughter, sweat, and a little bit of tears.

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