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Their videos had me thinking about my own journey and blog. More specifically it got me thinking about what my blog says about me and my values. I think I liked to pretend that it was just my ramblings about life and not really important. But the moment I decided to post my updates on facebook it stopped being that. It became me saying "hey, I have these thoughts, opinions, successes and struggles and I am interested in sharing them." I was shocked to see that over 130 people read my blog post about facing fears yesterday. And by shocked I mean giddy that people actually cared about what I wrote. Either that or they were interested in my picture/weigh in results, haha. Either way, I can't pretend that what I write is just for me anymore. Yes, a HUGE part of it is giving me an outlet to figure out my own issues and openly discussing them instead of hiding away like I did the first 22 years of my life. But a part of it has become to inspire others to make healthier decisions in their lives.
So.. what is the point of today's blog? For me to really look at my journey and to clarify who I am doing it for.
When Cindi and I first joined Curves those many, many years ago, it was all about losing weight before I started university. It was about me feeling I was missing out on life because I was fat. That I couldn't do the things I wanted to because I didn't fit society's beauty norms. I wanted someone to love me and call me pretty. But more than that, I wanted to feel like I was worthy of someone loving me and calling me pretty.
In second year in university when I began to seriously lose weight again, I don't know what exactly my intentions were. I was sick of feeling fat and unhappy and wanted to make a serious change. But there was still that underlying want to be loved and accepted for my body, not just my personality. I still felt like I was missing out on my life because I was fat.
Fast forward to now and this is a much more complicated question for me. Yes, I feel pressure from society to be smaller. I see the look I get from strangers. They judge me before I've even opened my mouth. They look at my body and can't see the healthy food I fuel it with or how many workouts I do a week. They know nothing about me and I am not doing this for them. It isn't all about the number on the scale. Yes, of course I get super excited when I see the number go down and down each week. But it's so much more than that. The courses I took to get Curves Complete certified really changed my outlook. I became interested in health and nutrition. I realized that if I kept up with my old habits of eating crap and not exercising, it would lead to diabetes, heart conditions, joint pain/injuries and other scary health conditions. The week before I left for my first practicum last Spring I was diagnosed with arthritis in my right knee from an injury a few years back. And then I spent 3 weeks with energetic grade 1s and it was exhausting for me to just crouch down beside their desks. It was a real wake up call for me. I needed to take better care of myself. I needed to be a better role model for my future students and my future family.
For the first time I am truly doing this for me. I am becoming the person I want to be. This is about me taking back control and doing this to be healthy. Not to get a boyfriend. Not to please someone else. It doesn't mean I don't want either of those things. But that it's not the most important reason anymore. I'm building a better relationship with food. I'm learning how strong my body is. I'm meeting people who every day inspire me to be a better version of myself. I am also learning that this whole "I am missing out on things because I am fat" attitude that I've had for forever was just another excuse. I can do bootcamp. I can go swimming. I WILL do the Warrior Dash for crying out loud. It's all mind games.
So, to clarify. I am not losing weight because the media tells us that you must be a certain size to be attractive. I think that people deserve to be loved at all shapes and sizes. I am also not doing this to prove that I am some perfect person with infallible will power. I am losing weight because more often than not, I am choosing to exercise and fill my body with healthy, wholesome food that makes me feel good. Treats are actually treats now, not a staple. I am losing weight because somewhere in the last few years, I realized that I am worth it. I will claim those few hours a day to exercise, cook and plan meals rather than saying yes to everything. I am worth the time and energy it takes to be healthy.
Wouldn't it be powerful if you fell in love with yourself so deeply that you would do just about anything if you knew it would make you happy? ~Alan Cohen
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