Weigh ins, breakdowns, and breakthroughs!

Last week reality came crashing down on me. In two years, I have regained 100 pounds. I knew my clothes weren't fitting and I didn't recognize my body (again) but seeing the number was like a punch to the gut.

Thankfully I was with my new naturopath at the time, and she was so wonderful. I left her office feeling confident and excited for this part of my journey with her as my support. And yet what followed was a week full of old habits - quickly eaten baked goods, chocolate bars hidden in my purse and a couple of sleepless nights. It wasn't until Thursday when it hit me... I had done it again. Rationalized myself out of my feelings without actually feeling them. This JK Rowling quote does a good job of summing up my Thursday night.

And feel it I did. Waves of guilt and shame and fear rolled over me so strongly it took my breath away. The urge to reach for food was strong and swift. What kept me from reaching for it wasn't will power, it the was the comfort in knowing that even though all this, the Universe was taking care of me and this was right where I needed to be.

My roommate Meredith came home just as I was starting to calm down and helped me get to the bottom of it all. Her most poignant question: "Can you forgive yourself?"

Oh boy. Accept where I'm at, sure, it will take something, but I've added enough tools to my toolkit these past few years that I could do that. But forgive myself? When she asked, I got so choked up no words came out. What is it about forgiveness?

That question had me looking at all of the negative self talk that came with my weight gain. I was a bad example to others, that I'm a terrible Staff Member, I'll never have the health I want, my friends and family will judge me and I'll come up short, I'll never find love and I'll definitely never have a career in empowering people with their health.

Finally feeling these feelings felt horrible. It took me to the dark place that I don't like going. The reward...Coming out on the other side was a breath of fresh air. A renewed sense of purpose. An ability to reach out to those around me and ask for the support I need. Digging through the weeds of the crap I had made up reminded me that none of it was the truth. I didn't need those thoughts in my head, I could acknowledge they were there and then kiss them goodbye.

Here I am. 25 years old and 280 pounds. After more reflection this weekend, the thing I know for sure is I have not failed. I am not a failure. I am on my journey to discovering what health is for me, and this is a necessary part of that.

I know the mechanics of losing weight. I've shown many times that my determination and will power can bring me success. I've also shown that what I've done so far has not been maintainable. Something in my life happens that throws me off balance for a while and I gain all the weight back. So instead of going straight back to what I already know, I'm coming from a place of curiosity.

What is my body trying to tell me?
What is the science behind weight gain and obesity?
What happens when I come from a place of authentically loving myself?
Who can I lean on and go to for support?
How will accepting that support bring me closer to my goals?
What does it mean to take care of myself first?

Now, at 10:30pm on Sunday, November 23rd.. these words come easily and authentically.

I forgive myself. For regaining weight. For not taking care of myself. For stepping over what matters to me time and time again. For hiding out. For holding back. For avoiding my friends and family. For letting fear stop me. I forgive myself. And now I get to discover what it looks like to love myself in the face of all of this. Better hold on, it's a bumpy and exciting ride!

Namaste folks, it's bedtime.

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Celebrating vs Judging

What I've discovered from my first month of my 100 Days of Love Challenge:

• My default has been to judge how far I still have to go, rather than to celebrate how far I've come. I've known that for a while, and now I am actively taking on challenging that conversation.
• Little steps add up to big changes when you take the time to look back.
• When I take on new responsibilities and bigger games in life, my old habits can come creeping back and compassion is the key when they do.
• People get weird when you start talking about learning to love yourself. I've had the mixed bag of reactions.. from eyebrows raised and people scoffing to nods of approval and interested questions. I'm learning to love the reactions.
• That every time I reach out for support, I'm reminded that I'm surrounded by people who love me for who I am, not for what I do or how much I can accomplish or what I weigh. Which of course I know, but that nasty voice inside my head forgets that sometimes. 
• On that note, I am NOT the little voice in my head. Which again, intellectually I know, and I have to remind myself of that often right now.

A few days ago I started to feel really guilty that I'd stopped taking daily pictures of my acts of love. And started doubting that I'd really taken this challenge seriously. Then I looked back at all that I've accomplished since I started.

I take my iron supplements every morning.

I now bike to and from work almost every day.

I make green smoothies for breakfast or lunch.

I eat out maybe 1-2 times a week, tops.

I'm up at 7:30am every morning, call Caroline at 7:35am and do yoga at 7:40am.

Every time I look in the mirror, I take a moment to be grateful for my day and acknowledge something I've accomplished already.

The crazy thing... I didn't set out with those goals. I set out with the goal of learning to love myself, and this is what has grown from that, completely organically. 

31 days in, 59 to go. I can't wait to see what comes next.

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100 Days of Love

Reading back at some of my earlier blog entries, I have this sensation of coming full circle. Although I wasn't always aware and able to articulate it, this blog has been about the same thing all along. My journey to loving myself, for everything I am and everything I'm not.

I started a new project a few days ago, called "100 Days of Love." For the next 100 days, I've committed to having a date with myself in the mirror first thing every morning. I look myself in the eye and say "I love you." Try it some time, it's harder than it sounds. After that somewhat emotional start, I continue with my day looking for ways that I can show love and compassion to myself. So far I've also taken a picture of one intentional act each day and posted it to Facebook.

Gotta say, I'm LOVING this. It's an interesting challenge to face the realities of what the little voice inside me says. On one hand I know that voice isn't me and it's all lies. On the other, I'm really curious to start examining those beliefs and seeing the impact of rewiring my brain to have positive thoughts. It's something I've been examining all year with my work at Landmark, but now I'm taking it another step further, with the sole lens of self love and acceptance.

Why you ask? There's a number of reasons. Starting this new job for one. I love what I get to do, and it can be harder to remember that on those days when I'm beating myself up and putting myself down. Unfortunately, that accounts for a good chunk of my first two months. Even though it feels like I'm still swimming as hard as I can against a strong current, thankfully my head is above the water. That is thanks in no small part to the unrelenting support of my family, friends, my Landmark family and especially my coworkers.

What's harder for me to face and admit publicly (although it's obvious), I've put on quite a bit of the weight I lost. I haven't been on a scale in a while, but the last time I did, I was back over 200 pounds. Which has been really frustrating for me. That was, until I realized all I had to do was accept it. To chose my body as it is now. And to take responsibility for the fact that I haven't been doing what I know to do.

It's been all too easy to fall back into old habits of shrugging off workouts, staying up late to watch youtube videos and going for those 3pm coffee and cookie runs.

There's been an interesting battle going on in my head..

"It's ok to eat a cookie, if you restrict yourself it'll be worse.""Stop using that as an excuse, fat ass.""It won't help to say negative things about your body. You know that only makes you want to eat more. One won't hurt.""Fine. But as of tomorrow no more wheat. Or sugar." "Yeah right, that'll happen.""Not with that attitude.""Leave me alone.""Never.""Oh joy. Will this ever end?"

And all of that conversation happens in the time it takes me to pull up my Starbucks app and smile at the barista.

It's the familiar way I deal with things. Going internally. Shutting people out and not answering phone calls. Turning to ice cream and movies. Reality smacked me in the face, in the form of my small but mighty boss reflecting back what I already knew. I just didn't want to be responsible for my actions. It's as simple as that.

And hence.. new project! 100 Days of Love is a huge part of the structures I'm creating around my health. There's more to come, that I'm excited to see unfold. :)

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Making the Impossible Possible

When things get going in my life, they really start to move. My first post-grad, full time permanent job and it's my dream job!  I am now a Staff Member at Landmark's Vancouver Center! I am beyond thrilled about it and still in a little bit of shock, even after a week and a half of working there. When I sat in my first introduction to Landmark last December, and subsequently completing my Landmark Forum just under a year ago, I never in a million years I thought I'd be where I am today. I knew right away that I loved the type of education and tools Landmark provides, but it's taken many many coaching calls for me to stop listening to my fears of "not good enough" long enough to apply to and accept a position on staff. I don't know what the future brings for me, but I know I'm the one who is calling the shots now, which is very exciting. And now my life will continue to be about making the impossible possible - both personally and professionally.

And on that theme, I'm finally unveiling the list I've been working on. A little while ago I stumbled across Impossible HQ and immediately fell in love with his "Impossible List." So naturally I created my own! You'll notice a new page along the right hand side. This is a compilation of many things that have always been floating around in my head, but I've been too scared to ever voice them before. Not anymore. The list isn't a bucket list of things that would be nice. Nearly everything on that list at some point in my life I've said it's impossible to do that.

This list is now a challenge for me. I'm living proof that with commitment, actions and support, anything is possible. I'll be crossing these items off as I complete them as well as updating as more things pop up. I could do all of these things in my lifetime, I could do only one, or any number in between. One thing is for sure though, I'm through with listening to the voice in my head that tells me I'm not capable of any of them.

And in challenging myself, I nominate all of you. What do you think is impossible? What's niggling around in the back of your mind that you don't want to say out loud, in fear of sounding bad or your brain immediately tells you it's not possible. It could be big or small. But why not try on that it is possible, and see what actions it'd take you get you there.

Check out my list by clicking here!

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What I don't want you to know about me

I've been visiting Victoria this week so last night I went to Landmark's seminar. As always, it was exactly what I needed to hear. This seminar is about dealing powerfully with the breakdowns in your life and creating breakthroughs on demand. Considering all the big life changes I've been making recently, it's no surprise I've been dealing with some breakdowns. In scheduling, in time management, in conversations, and mostly, in all the negative self talk that seems to be rushing back in full force.

Then last night, one woman stood up and started her sharing by saying. "What I don't want you to know about me is..."

BAM. Right away I was focused on what she had to say and was so blown away by her vulnerability. We all have things we don't want to admit to others. We carry guilt and shame around our necks that weigh us down and can often stop us from taking those big leaps in our life. It also stops us from connecting with others. But really, isn't it when someone shares a deep, dark secret that you feel most connected? We can all relate with struggling. If we're lucky, we have people in our life that we can share those places with, and it's so important to hold those people close. I have many people that I can share my fears and insecurities with, and yet I know I still try to hide out. I know I'm more connected when I admit my humanity and yet I still try to hide who I am and put on a happy face even with those who know me best. And why? I don't know why. If I've learned anything in these last 7 months it's that understanding why does nothing to move life forward. What it takes is actions in the face of all that head chatter.

I've tried to write three blog posts about this before. They're all sitting unpublished in my archive. I've alluded to it a few times, but as I'm sitting on the ferry listening to "Brave" by Idina Manzel, I'm finally willing to put the words out in the world.

What I don't want you to know about me is that I'm addicted to sugar and have been struggling with binge eating disorder for as long as I can remember.

It was a little over a year ago when I heard about binge eating disorder. I knew I obviously had an unhealthy relationship with food, but when I heard "eating disorder" I only thought about bulimia and anorexia. I knew I ate too much food, but when it got really bad in high school and the first couple years of university, I would actually pride myself on not having an eating disorder because "at least I didn't throw it up." Or worse, I wish I could throw up so that I would be thinner. I can recall more than a couple of times after a particularly large binge, kneeling on the floor in the bathroom, tears running down my face. I was struggling between wanting to purge and knowing intellectually that it would make things worse. And when I didn't purge, I'd either congratulate myself or call myself a wimp, depending on my mood. That, my dear younger self, is called denial.

For those who don't know, binge eating disorder is characterized by eating of a large quantity of food in a short amount of time accompanied by a feeling of lack of control and without subsequent purging. There are more symptoms that can be found here and here if you're interested.

Now I'm much more informed and equipped. The most frightening thing for me is realizing how common it is. Stats on binge eating disorder say it occurs in 2% in men and 3.5% of women, almost twice as common as bulimia and anorexia put together. And yet I always felt so alone. So many of us suffer in silence.

I was waiting to post about this until I could say I had fully "conquered" it. So that, again, I could be a role model to those who may have been suffering in silence like me. Well enough of that. I could be one right now. Even if just one person reads this and feels more connected, well then, that's worth it for me.

Because what has taken me years to realize is not only am I beautiful, intelligent, and compassionate, but my struggles with food does absolutely nothing to counteract that. I'm not entirely free yet, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel that's coming closer with every step I take. I know I can't do this alone and I've been trying to for too long.

My request to you.. if you are struggling, in secret or not, reach out. There are a lot of services out there, from Overeaters Anonymous to websites to eating disorder clinics. And I am always here if you want to share something with me. I've been there. I've felt the guilt, the shame, the disgust, the frustration, the despair. And I'm here to say you are NOT ALONE. You are beautiful. You are worthy of love. You are absolutely perfect. And you are loved, more than you could even imagine.

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The beginnings of a blog makeover

You may have noticed my blog looks a little different. And you can expect much more to come.

When I started almost two years ago, this was my tagline:

Half Sized Teacher: Losing half my body weight and discovering what I'm passionate about.

I thought that once I reached my goal weight, that magic "150", I'd have life figured out. And even though I told people it wasn't about the number, I always had that little voice saying once I was skinny I'd be "fixed." My body would be a walking example of how I'd conquered all my inner demons. Of course, I'd hear the voice and then just push it away and say "No, I don't believe that, numbers don't define me." And yet really it's exactly what I think. Accepting that, I find myself breathing a little easier. I don't need to pretend anymore. At the moment of writing this sentence, I think that in order to be truly happy, I need to be physically smaller. And you know what's so neat about that? I'm the one doing the thinking. My inner voice can say allll she wants. I hear her. And I understand. And I'm going to go about my day being awesome and creating happiness every day.

My time as a blogger has been an incredible roller coaster ride for me. I haven't lost half my body weight yet, but I sure as hell discovered what I'm passionate about. And more than that, I've discovered that I've known all along. I was just too scared to talk about it.

I am passionate about authenticity
I am passionate about healthy living
I am passionate about education
I am passionate about being in nature
I am passionate about love
I am passionate about family
I am passionate about connection
I am passionate about confronting insecurities
I am passionate about stepping outside the comfort zone
I am passionate about contributing to other people
I am passionate about making a difference in this world
I am passionate about self care
I am passionate about hugging
I am passionate about all my geeky obsessions
I am passionate about other people being passionate and fulfilled
I am passionate about BUSTING through the limits I impose on myself
I am passionate about reaching out when all I want to do is hide out
I am passionate about living true to myself
I am passionate about people knowing themselves as beautiful, worthy, incredible human beings

I think you get the idea.. this list could go on forever.

Creating this blog was a huge step outside of my comfort zone and was amazing for me. And I realized lately I felt constrained by it. I'd avoid blogging, feel bad, get inspired to write again, write something and say "I'll proof read it tomorrow." And then judge what I wrote so much I wouldn't post it. In the last year I have 13 fully written blog posts that I haven't ever published. 13? 13?! Sorry, I hadn't counted before tonight, I didn't realize how many there were. This writing and not posting stops now. I am the only one constraining myself.  It is SO not who I am anymore. I know I have something powerful to share and I created this blog a long time ago as a platform to share. I love writing and I've really missed putting my words out there for others to read.

There are a lot of inspiring public figures people that I follow regularly... Brene Brown, Dr. Lissa Rankin, Geneen Roth, Gabrielle Bernstein. What I admire most about these women is that they all stand up for what they think is possible. They are unrelenting in sharing what matters to them. That is who I have always aspired to be.

I am also so very grateful that I have "real" people in my day to day life that lift me up. Shout outs to three people in particular who have so inspired me with their courage online lately: Bri Westhaver, Sarah Sihota, and Kelsey Mech. Your blog posts are so raw, vulnerable and authentic.

Why am I mentioning these incredible women? Because they, along with my non-blogging heros, have served as a giant spot light on how I'd been so inauthentic on my own blog.

No more being scared to post what I'm really thinking. This blog is about my journey in living a healthy life, yes, and it's so much more than that. It's about who I am and sharing what I'm truly passionate about.

http://www.onefabulouslife.com/out-of-your-comfort-zone.html

Time to get a little uncomfortable again! No more hiding quietly. Time to shout it out loud and proud. Hey world, this is who I am! This is what matters to me. Let's connect.


Coming soon: a visual make over! I was so out of touch with this blog I didn't notice my free template disappeared back in November. I don't have the time to create everything tonight, but expect some changes coming soon!

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