Thankfully I was with my new naturopath at the time, and she was so wonderful. I left her office feeling confident and excited for this part of my journey with her as my support. And yet what followed was a week full of old habits - quickly eaten baked goods, chocolate bars hidden in my purse and a couple of sleepless nights. It wasn't until Thursday when it hit me... I had done it again. Rationalized myself out of my feelings without actually feeling them. This JK Rowling quote does a good job of summing up my Thursday night.
And feel it I did. Waves of guilt and shame and fear rolled over me so strongly it took my breath away. The urge to reach for food was strong and swift. What kept me from reaching for it wasn't will power, it the was the comfort in knowing that even though all this, the Universe was taking care of me and this was right where I needed to be.
My roommate Meredith came home just as I was starting to calm down and helped me get to the bottom of it all. Her most poignant question: "Can you forgive yourself?"
Oh boy. Accept where I'm at, sure, it will take something, but I've added enough tools to my toolkit these past few years that I could do that. But forgive myself? When she asked, I got so choked up no words came out. What is it about forgiveness?
That question had me looking at all of the negative self talk that came with my weight gain. I was a bad example to others, that I'm a terrible Staff Member, I'll never have the health I want, my friends and family will judge me and I'll come up short, I'll never find love and I'll definitely never have a career in empowering people with their health.
Finally feeling these feelings felt horrible. It took me to the dark place that I don't like going. The reward...Coming out on the other side was a breath of fresh air. A renewed sense of purpose. An ability to reach out to those around me and ask for the support I need. Digging through the weeds of the crap I had made up reminded me that none of it was the truth. I didn't need those thoughts in my head, I could acknowledge they were there and then kiss them goodbye.
Here I am. 25 years old and 280 pounds. After more reflection this weekend, the thing I know for sure is I have not failed. I am not a failure. I am on my journey to discovering what health is for me, and this is a necessary part of that.
I know the mechanics of losing weight. I've shown many times that my determination and will power can bring me success. I've also shown that what I've done so far has not been maintainable. Something in my life happens that throws me off balance for a while and I gain all the weight back. So instead of going straight back to what I already know, I'm coming from a place of curiosity.
What is my body trying to tell me?
What is the science behind weight gain and obesity?
What happens when I come from a place of authentically loving myself?
Who can I lean on and go to for support?
How will accepting that support bring me closer to my goals?
What does it mean to take care of myself first?
Now, at 10:30pm on Sunday, November 23rd.. these words come easily and authentically.
I forgive myself. For regaining weight. For not taking care of myself. For stepping over what matters to me time and time again. For hiding out. For holding back. For avoiding my friends and family. For letting fear stop me. I forgive myself. And now I get to discover what it looks like to love myself in the face of all of this. Better hold on, it's a bumpy and exciting ride!
Namaste folks, it's bedtime.
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