News flash: I'm fat again

I wrote this post about 4 months ago, and was too afraid to push publish then. Now I think it's beautiful and from the heart... exactly what I want to put out in the world.

I’m fat again.

That’s my number one thought when I look into the mirror these days.

Worse than that, I’m fat again after my very public weight loss journey. I spent 2 years blogging about my new and forever healthy life style on this very blog.

There’s so many thoughts swirling around my mind right now…

How did this happen?
Why did I let this happen?

I’m a fraud.

People are judging me.

My family is concerned.

I’m back to looking at the ground when I walk because I don’t want to see the disgust in people’s faces.

How am I going to do this all over again?

Will I ever be able to keep this weight off?

I wish sugar was a banned substance (that’s a whole other post itself)

Thankfully I don’t always listen to those thoughts anymore. When I'm feeling a little more sane, I go to this:  Ok, what did I avoid learning last time that had me gaining weight again? What do I need to learn from this?

Oh. Bingo. The truth of the matter... I hated myself thin. My blogs were mostly cheery and upbeat and often didn’t portray what I was really saying to myself. Even at my lowest weight when I looked into the mirror all I saw were my flaws. And I lost weight because I wanted to be loved. Because how on earth could I find love at 300 pounds? Of course other fat girls could, because they are beautiful people. But me? Nope, not in my cards.

“I’m your worst fear.” My worst fear two years ago was regaining all the weight I had lost. Well, I’ve regained it, and I’m still here. I’m alive. Not only that, but even just writing that makes me a little sick to my stomach. That was my worst fear? Talk about first world problems.

So fucking tired of this same old story. No thoughtful insights this time. No shiny new action plan. No cheery - I can do it, I'm strong pom pom dance. Just me. Going through the eye of the fucking needle. Can I just be on the other side now please?