I started a new project a few days ago, called "100 Days of Love." For the next 100 days, I've committed to having a date with myself in the mirror first thing every morning. I look myself in the eye and say "I love you." Try it some time, it's harder than it sounds. After that somewhat emotional start, I continue with my day looking for ways that I can show love and compassion to myself. So far I've also taken a picture of one intentional act each day and posted it to Facebook.
Gotta say, I'm LOVING this. It's an interesting challenge to face the realities of what the little voice inside me says. On one hand I know that voice isn't me and it's all lies. On the other, I'm really curious to start examining those beliefs and seeing the impact of rewiring my brain to have positive thoughts. It's something I've been examining all year with my work at Landmark, but now I'm taking it another step further, with the sole lens of self love and acceptance.
Why you ask? There's a number of reasons. Starting this new job for one. I love what I get to do, and it can be harder to remember that on those days when I'm beating myself up and putting myself down. Unfortunately, that accounts for a good chunk of my first two months. Even though it feels like I'm still swimming as hard as I can against a strong current, thankfully my head is above the water. That is thanks in no small part to the unrelenting support of my family, friends, my Landmark family and especially my coworkers.
What's harder for me to face and admit publicly (although it's obvious), I've put on quite a bit of the weight I lost. I haven't been on a scale in a while, but the last time I did, I was back over 200 pounds. Which has been really frustrating for me. That was, until I realized all I had to do was accept it. To chose my body as it is now. And to take responsibility for the fact that I haven't been doing what I know to do.
It's been all too easy to fall back into old habits of shrugging off workouts, staying up late to watch youtube videos and going for those 3pm coffee and cookie runs.
There's been an interesting battle going on in my head..
"It's ok to eat a cookie, if you restrict yourself it'll be worse.""Stop using that as an excuse, fat ass.""It won't help to say negative things about your body. You know that only makes you want to eat more. One won't hurt.""Fine. But as of tomorrow no more wheat. Or sugar." "Yeah right, that'll happen.""Not with that attitude.""Leave me alone.""Never.""Oh joy. Will this ever end?"
And all of that conversation happens in the time it takes me to pull up my Starbucks app and smile at the barista.
It's the familiar way I deal with things. Going internally. Shutting people out and not answering phone calls. Turning to ice cream and movies. Reality smacked me in the face, in the form of my small but mighty boss reflecting back what I already knew. I just didn't want to be responsible for my actions. It's as simple as that.
And hence.. new project! 100 Days of Love is a huge part of the structures I'm creating around my health. There's more to come, that I'm excited to see unfold. :)
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