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Thursday, April 18, 2013

Living, Laughing, Loving

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Oh wow, there is so much to update people on and lots to write about, I don’t know where to start. These last three weekends have been filled with fun and excitement...impromptu trip to Comox, lazy days at the park with my little cousins, breakfast and babysitting at the Empress, dinner and dancing with an awesome live band, amazing life changing workshops. I could almost forget that in between my weekends was a whole lot of work, teaching, and learning!

Practicum
Today marked the last day of my final practicum and the completion of my undergrad degree. After six long years I have my B.Ed! It really is surreal. I remember first year of university like it was yesterday, and yet I can hardly believe how much has changed since then.

It also seems like yesterday that I was stressing about my final practicum and worrying about what would happen when I was done. Looking back now, the time really did fly by. These past 10 weeks have had a lot of ups and downs but ultimately have been a great learning experience.

I am SO thankful that I was placed at my school. Oaklands has a great staff, they were so welcoming and supportive from the start; I felt like I fit right in. One of my favourite parts of the day was wondering into classes after the kids went home. I spent quite a bit of time discussing teaching strategies, teacher’s responsibilities, exchanging funny student stories, and talking about life in general. It was bittersweet leaving today because although I am truly grateful to be finished, I will miss the staff and my class tremendously. I know I’ll be back to visit though, which made leaving easier.

Many people know that I’ve been pondering about my decision to be a teacher for a while now. I kept hoping that after my final practicum things would be a little clearer. In some ways they are… there are certain aspects about being a teacher that stress me out and make me feel incredibly uncomfortable. However, I know that many of those things could be “solved” as I gain experience. The bottom line is questioning whether my heart is in it or not. There are a number of things about it that appeal to me, and I do have an almost perverse love of office supplies and pretty teacher things. The aspects that I enjoyed the most on this practicum have been my connections with other people. I LOVED talking with my coworkers, and really enjoyed the little moments with my students. This last week in particular has a special place in my heart as I watched the excitement in my students’ eyes as we watched baby chicks hatching before our eyes.

I can see the impact my participation in the Landmark Forum has had on myself though, which could also contribute to my spectacular week. I am excited because what I learned last weekend has allowed me to truly feel comfortable in my own skin, and has me eagerly anticipating this next chapter in my life.

My Landmark Experience
So what is Landmark? I am buzzing with excitement over it. I signed up to do a course through Landmark because a friend of mine did it and I saw the impact it had on her life. You may recognize Bri because she’s the person who inspired me to join BWs and I follow her blog religiously. In fact while looking to find a way to explain this weekend I looked back to her blog about it, and it describes it so well, I’m just going to direct anyone interested to read her blog entry by clicking here.

The Landmark Forum is a weekend course that provides education on how to live powerfully and live a life you love. That’s their slogan, not my own words :P But it really is true. The possibilities I am seeing for my life gives me goose bumps. To sum it up in a sentence: my participation in Landmark has fundamentally transformed the way I look at my life.

I have spent the last few months in a frenzy trying to make sense of my life.

Why can’t I stop turning to food for comfort?
How is my past impacting my current relationships?
Why am I still lacking in self confidence even after losing 100 pounds?
Why can’t I be more proud of all I’ve accomplished?
Why do I put up walls, being vulernable with my friends but only up to a certain point?
Why do I struggle with accepting support?
Why am I so afraid that people will think I’m crazy if they see who I truly am?
I want all these things, but how do I get to them?
What do I want to do with my life?

All of this was playing on a constant loop all while trying to keep up with my exercise routine and being somewhat healthy with my eating during the most stressful time in my academic career. I get tired just thinking about it.

I think one of the most important things I have taken away from Landmark is the futility in trying to “figure things out.” Understanding why I am responding to something does nothing to help me. It doesn’t change my actions and all it does is gives me an excuse that the story I’m telling myself is true, thus perpetuating the situation. It limits my life. It’s human nature so I’m not beating myself up for doing it, in fact I can now look back on these last few years with a smile. It’s kind of cute looking at how badly I was trying to fumble my way through and getting more and more frustrated as time went on. But knowing what I do now has given me a new way to live my life on a day to day basis. What excites me most is knowing that it will only get better with practice.

The other amazing thing I have gotten out of Landmark is a new possibility of an amazing relationship with my sister. Pretty much everyone in my life knew how much I wish I had a better relationship with her, except for her. I always said I wanted to talk to her about it but never got up the courage to do it; I was so afraid of her thinking I was silly or over dramatic. I’ve idolized her pretty much my whole life so I let the idea of admitting how deep my insecurities were paralyze me. And by not taking these actions, I always felt a bit like a fake. I’ve taken great strides to be more authentic and open wherever possible, and yet in one of the relationships that matters to me the most, I did nothing. Long story short, Terri got a phone call from a very teary sister on Sunday morning! We were only able to talk for a short while, as she was on the bus and I needed to get to my course for 9am, but I felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I am visiting her tomorrow and I can’t wait to see her.

It’s interesting, because although I am on a kind of an emotional high, I’m also more present than ever to the amount of effort I will need to put into life. I know that anything I want for my life is possible, but I also know I am the only person who can make it happen. And it starts with me stepping up, following through my word and keeping my integrity.

Things are changing very quickly in my life right now. I start my new job on Sunday and am moving in just under two weeks.  I am looking forward to a wonderful summer of learning new things, meeting new people and really taking charge of my life.



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