Eating through shame

My procrastination tactic of choice tonight: ted talks. Listening to such interesting, inspiring, and worthwhile presentations hardly feels like wasting time. In a post earlier this month,  Brene Brown's Ted Talk spurred to me write about my own vulnerability. I stumbled across her second video, "Listening to Shame" tonight and it really struck a chord with me.

I've been feeling so off lately, and not really being able to sort out the full cause. My emotions around this topic change multiple times through out the day. I'll have periods of feeling fine, and strong, 100% content to be where I am. And then less than an hour later I find myself frustrated that I *still* can't focus on school work, no matter how many times I tell myself to just do it. Brene's talk helped me to see the role that shame has with my two main worries right now: what do I want to do with my life and my weight loss.

Shame comes with teaching for a multiple of reasons. The main one being that I have this incredible fear of my upcoming practicum. I think back to my last one and still wish I did better. I learned a lot about myself, yes. But I also learned that in some ways, I wasn't quite as strong as I wished I was and that brings a lot of shame. The more I learn about teaching and what it entails, the less capable I feel. My issue is that I have no idea what to do about this shame. Talking about it in person is so hard for me. I can't articulate my thoughts or my worries properly. When I go to people who give me great advice, it's a double edged sword. Instead of making me feel like I'm confidently building a tool kit of strategies, often I feel frustrated that I didn't think of that already. Or that I even need the help. Or that even after I talk to them, I don't feel any better. My worries are still there and I'm left feeling whiny and insecure and at a loss of what to do next. I think it definitely comes from a fear of failing. I think it's also hard for me because of my weight loss. I used to push myself to succeed in school and volunteer efforts as a way to prove my worthiness. As if my straight As and community involvement would make up for the fact that I was so fat. Now that the weight is coming off, everything is different. I feel raw and vulnerable and I don't know how to deal with it.

I've had multiple people ask me "how I do it." How I have the self discipline to eat healthy and exercise. I never felt satisfied with the various answers I gave.. "I know how much better it feels to be healthy," "my taste buds have changed," "I just don't want to eat it anymore." None of it really sat right with me. Finally after tonight, I feel like I can give a better answer. It's because of shame. It's because to me, fatty, sugary "unhealthy" food represents a lifetime of shame.

Not being able to fit in seats on the bus, theatres or air planes.
Getting looks from strangers, feeling their unspoken judgements rolling off of you.
Having to sit in the very front row of my class in second year, getting an ache in my neck from looking up at the screen. All because I didn't fit in the seats we were supposed to sit in.. the old style wooden desks in the Elliot building.
Looking in the mirror and picking apart every roll on my body.
Dreading PE class, knowing that I'd be a sweaty mess and yet so far behind everyone else in the class.
Looking at pictures of myself and wishing I could look like I fit in with my friends.

That's a lot of power to give to a single cupcake. And I give it over without even realizing it. Even today. I had a wonderfully delicious catered dinner during my cross cultural class. Eating my plateful full of carby foods followed by a few bites of my classmate's leftover bake sale goods felt strange. I enjoyed it, and yet even as I was eating, I felt like I couldn't truly appreciate it. Looking back, I think it's because I felt so guilty for eating it. I knew my portions were too big. All I could think of was this 10 lb challenge and getting my money back. I also dreaded knowing I'd be writing this in my food journal and have a BDHQ trainer circle it with their red pen. In her video, Brene talks about the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt is so much easier to admit, because it's saying "I did something bad." Shame is "I am bad." I suppose when it comes to my over eating or choosing unhealthy foods, it has little to do with guilt and more to do with shame. I ate myself into obesity so now I feel like I have to eat myself out of it. And when I veer from the path, I feel an intense wave of shame, because I know it isn't getting me any closer to my goal.

Why do I let food have such power over me? I don't always. There are times when I eat unhealthy foods and don't feel any shame at all. It seems to be only when I'm feeling vulnerable or uneasy that I feel the shame. How frustrating that when I feel weak, I turn to crappy foods, which makes me feel more ashamed, which leads to craving my ultimate comfort foods.

How can I break this cycle? I can only imagine the sheer number of books and articles that must be out there on this subject. I know I'm not alone in feeling this way. But right now, I don't have the time to read any of them. I have 2 papers, a unit plan, a presentation, a reflection, and a quiz coming up in this next week. (And yet I can't motivate myself to work on them. Which brings another douse of shame. That's a whole other issue to deal with.)

For myself, I think I'm beginning the process of breaking the cycle by acknowledging it, writing about it, and talking about it. Recognizing that I am giving my power away to a mixture of flour, sugar, and butter is annoying. Perhaps it's annoying enough to help me make the healthier decision. I know I need to explore this topic more though, with someone who can actually help me. I'd like to be able to have happier blog posts soon :)