Two confessions

Confession: I have a problem with chocolate. I mean a REAL problem. It is one of the reasons I have a chocolate protein shake almost every day, because it fulfills that need for chocolate. But for the past three days it is literally all I can think about. Craving it, dreaming about it. And not one of those “I just need a little taste” either. No, I want a buffet table full of chocolaty  goodness. I want to gorge myself on them while wearing very roomy sweatpants.

I miss the days where I did just that without any of this accompanying guilt. I wish my metabolism wasn’t shot from years of eating like crap.  I can’t tell if my recent problem is being brought on by stress, emotions, PMS or just plain getting tired of being healthy all the time. It’s probably a combination of the first 3. But I guess I need to deal with the last one too. I’ve been getting antsy lately. I know I’m in this for life, I don’t ever want to go back to how I was before. But I am sooo longing to have just one or two days of how I used to be. Well, not even full days, because I do genuinely enjoy the foods I eat. But it’s been a while since I’ve had a real planned indulgent day and I’m starting to feel it. I’ve been indulgent at times.. extra little bit here, a glass of wine there, a sneak of chocolate twice… but nothing big.

“They” say that we’re supposed to have a planned indulgent meal once a week. “They” say that it helps keep you on track for the rest of the week. I know this but haven’t really been following it. Maybe that’s my problem.

It’s hard to let myself indulge because I’ve been scared to not meet this 10 lb challenge. $150 is a lot of money to squander just because my taste buds are being demanding. Right now I actually feel like I’m dieting and I don’t like it.

I am not sure if I’d do this type of challenge again. It seems the more pressure I have, the more I want to rebel. But really, who am I rebelling against? Sure, Lovisa, Michele, and the other BWs want me to succeed, but I’m only responsible to myself.  I really don’t like the extra pressure though. I’ve had more than enough of it between school and family right now. At the same time, having that pressure has helped me make better choices a bunch of times already. We’ll see how I feel in two weeks when this is over I suppose.

Oh, and second confession: I made two trips to the ferry’s dessert buffet table. All the treats are tucked away in a to go container in my suitcase. I have not yet decided if I’ll eat them tomorrow or not.