Stumbling

"We've come so far but we've got so far to go."  That song and those lyrics from Hairspray have been on my workout playlist since I made it. I usually find it super motivating and it makes me work twice as hard. Today it felt like a hammer over my head. Today was the first time in a while that I've had to face just how "far" I have to go. 

I've been so motivated lately, especially this past week. I signed up for bootcamp and then jumped in, two feet first, loving it. I think that's why today was so unexpected for me, because I've been on air all week, so proud of myself and excited about what I was doing.

This morning I was supposed to go to bootcamp at Gyro Park at 8:30am. I was super excited and had all my plans sorted out for the day.. I even made arrangements to go over to a friend's house so I could have a bath and rest the sore muscles I was sure to have after it. Getting to the bus in time was a series of mishaps I suppose. I woke up slightly late, then found out that google maps on the computer was wrong and the bus was 10 minutes earlier than I thought, meaning I had less time for breakfast and only had half of my protein shake. I didn't notice it was raining until I went to put my shoes on, but told myself it didn't matter. I jogged most of the way to the bus stop, to make sure that I would make it on time, because there was no way I was missing the bus. Then I realized I left my water bottle on the counter and I forgot to wrap my foot in the tensor bandage. Then found out that I wasn't clear to Kelly at all when I told her it was "bring a friend to bootcamp day" and she had no clue that I invited her to come.  It was one thing after another, but I kept telling myself no excuses! You are doing bootcamp. 

Well as I was walking down the "Hill of Death" as I fondly call it (all former UVic Res students know exactly what I'm talking about), the pain in my shin started getting worse. I had been experiencing pain in my shins when walking after my intense walk/spin class on Thursday, but I had put it off as the usual sore muscles. Since I was super early for bootcamp, I decided I had to time to do some "research" on google (never a good idea) and started wondering if I had a mild case of shin splints. I called the nurses hotline and long story short, the nurse gave me a lecture about needing to start out a new exercise regime slow and not over doing it. She suggested I talk to the trainer when I got to bootcamp and rather than going for a run with everyone else, I could do something else until the soreness in my shins went away.

That's when somehow my thoughts shifted from "I need to make sure I'm taking care of myself during bootcamp" to "I can't do bootcamp." I was just getting off the phone with the nurse when a stream of cars started coming into the park. Car 1: fit skinny person. Car 2: fit skinny person. Car 3: oh look, another fit skinny person. It went on and on. I say "fit skinny person" because that's just the exact thought that went through my head at that time, usually I hate saying that people it has a connotation to it that I disagree with. I knew the trainer that was starting off bootcamp was a guy who I had never met, and I only knew of one other person that said they were going. I decided that I wouldn't be comfortable talking to this guy trainer with a bunch of strangers around so I'd go and get a different form of exercise and then talk to the trainers I knew the next morning at indoor bootcamp.

I had walking for about two minutes when it dawned on me that I had just rationalized my excuses again. Sure enough, I got a text from Kelly that suggested she thought the same thing. I stopped in my tracks and looked back. By this point, all those who were at the bootcamp were doing a warm up by running up and down the park entrance side walk. I was just about to walk back and join them when this wave came over me. I don't even know how to explain it. It was fear, apprehension, and guilt all wrapped in a tidy little package that took my breath away. I would take one step towards the group and then take two back. It was like I had no control over my body. My brain was telling me to move my legs but my heart was pounding and I was close to freaking out. I eventually found myself sitting in the bus shelter crying my eyes out with a battle going on inside my head. The only way I know how to explain it was I wanted to want to join them SO badly. But the truth was I didn't want to join them anymore. I was scared. I was scared that I'd be the fat kid that couldn't keep up and have everyone doing laps around me. I was scared that I would over do it and injure myself and then I would lose my exercise mojo. But what I was most scared of is that I let myself use excuses again. As soon as I started crying I thought "well that's that, even if I wanted to go to bootcamp now, I can't go there 10 minutes late with red eyes and a blotchy face." Which only made me cry harder. It was so bizarre. The last thing I wanted to do was cop out, but I couldn't fathom going there either. 

I wish I could say that I got up, wiped my face and faced my fears. I wish with every fibre of my being that I could say I was so proud of myself and was on this endorphin high after finishing a (shortened) bootcamp. But I can't. Because what I did was give up and go home. I decided I needed time to think and sort through my emotions. It felt terrible walking away though. I sent Kelly a text telling her I hated myself right now and it was true. I hated that I wasn't strong enough to face my fears. I hated that as soon as I don't feel safe that I turn and run. After a lot of contemplation, I think safety is at the core of it. Everything I have done so far has been safe. I always talk about how Curves is a safe environment for me, that I love. Dancing with the Wii at home with my blinds closed and the door locked was safe. Hell, even joining the bootcamp program I did was a form of safety, because it was a group of people who needed to lose a lot of weight and were there to make a change in their life. Going to bootcamp outdoors, with a bunch of fit people was not safe for me. There was a guy leading it who I had never met. It was outdoors in a very public (and popular) beach. 

I know why safety is an issue for me and that just makes it harder. I don't want my life to always stay in the safe zone. Always taking the safe, easy route hasn't done me any favours. It's what got me to 300 pounds.  I joined this program specifically to challenge myself. So why the hell was I letting myself cop out? I still don't know. 

The sad thing is that I was looking for an excuse the minute I woke up in the morning. I felt uneasy as soon as I agreed to go to today's bootcamp, I realize that now. I wish I had taken more time to consider it then because then maybe today wouldn't have shocked me so much. The sleeping in, bus mix up, forgotten water bottles and ankle wraps, miscommunication with Kelly.. all those were excuses and I knew it, and I was strong enough to not use those. But I clung on to "shin splints" and ran with it. Who makes it all the way down to an exercise place and then 30 seconds away from the group backs out? I mean really, it felt ridiculous at the time and now that I write it out it makes me shake my head.

What I do know is that I am not perfect. Today was a struggle for me, a big one. And while I am disappointed in myself, I am trying not to beat myself up over it. It's done. I can't change what I did or didn't do. What I can do is be proud of the little things. Those being old me probably would have used my bus transfer to get home and then watched TV or movies all day so I didn't have to think about my own problems. Instead, I walked the 4.6km home, made protein pancakes and wrote this painfully long blog. 

So for today, that will have to be enough of a success. Today I fought against my old insecurities and lost. Next time I won't. This morning was unexpected so I didn't have any tools to help me deal with it. Now that I've been through it once, I hope I can recognize it sooner.