Why are we nicer to strangers than we are to ourselves?

Today has been a day of conflicting emotions for me. I went up to Duncan for a meeting with about 20 other Curves staff from all around the Island. Which was great, it was neat to see what other clubs were up to and get some tips for our own club. It reminded me that Curves is a career choice for a lot of people. I've only ever had endless streams of student jobs. It hit home to me today that if I wanted to, I could probably stay with Curves for a while. Turn that into a career if I wanted to. I'm not saying I want to do it, but it just made me feel like I am actually an adult. That I do actually have choices. And pretty soon, when I'm graduated in a year, I'm going to need to have some plans for that. Brings up lots of thoughts.

The downside to today was it brought back the whole whammy of feeling not good enough. I was the youngest person in the room by probably at least 10 years and I kept thinking "What am I doing here? What do I have to offer that might possible match these people, with their years of experience?" Reflecting on it, it's really hit home how much I need to work on how I talk to myself. So much negative self talk, which only leads to self sabotaging and beating myself up. With my members at work I am always talking about how important it is to take time for yourself, to not expect perfection, to be kind. And I need to walk the walk. I am far better now than I was four years ago, that's for sure. Back then, I would have wallowed my sorrows in ice cream. More and more now, I am able to recognize when I am talking negative to myself. I used to go out for walks or exercise when I felt this way, but with my sprained ankle, I can't just go for a walk to clear my head. Which I suppose is making me face my emotions rather than hide from them. So I am doing what I can do, writing this, fulfilling the "do one thing a day that scares you." Which is putting my feelings out there, knowing that people will read them and know what's going on inside my head. Know that just because I'm smiling, it doesn't mean I'm happy all the time. Basically the exact opposite of everything I've done up to now. Which, come to think of think, is the point. What I was doing up till now didn't work. I ate myself into obesity and am now fighting tooth and nail to get my health back.

So, in full disclosure.. most of what I battled with today was "Can I really do this?" Now that I've put myself out there with this blog, I can't hide from what I'm doing. I've admitted to everyone that at my heaviest, I was 299.6 pounds. (No, we don't round up :P ) I've publicly announced that my main focus in life right now is to take control and become healthy. I have so many people telling me how proud they are of me, and how great it is, etc. etc. I did this on purpose, I knew what I was getting into. I plan on using this accountability when things are tough for me and my intrinsic motivation isn't enough. But I had moments today. Can I do this? Can I really only eat treats in moderation, for the rest of my life? Can I actually make exercise a priority, for the rest of my life? Will I ever to get to a point where it's easy? Where I don't feel the need to ground myself every time I am faced with a temptation? Am I inspiring those around me to also be healthy, or just unintentionally pushing them away? What happens if I fail? What happens if I succeed?

Those are pretty big scary questions for me. I can see myself dealing with the questions in one of three ways.

1. Pretend they are not there and just carry on with what I am doing. Eating as best as I can and exercising every day. Not let myself worry about it.
2. Get so stressed out and put so much pressure on myself that I give up.
3. Recognize that these questions are important and that I do need to give myself time to process them. But at the same time, not worry so much about it. Continue with what I'm doing and deal with things as they come. Not try to tackle all the battles at once, just because I feel strong right now.

Past me would have told myself that I was choosing number 3, but in reality would deal with it in one of the first two options, or more likely a combination of both.

Current me? I can confidently say that number 3 is the only option for me. I'm done with pretending my issues don't exist. I'm done with the excuses, I'm not giving up this time. Yeah, it's hard. But that's life. Life is supposed to be hard. If it wasn't, we wouldn't be able to cherish the good moments so much. I am taking each day one at a time. There is no point to worrying so much about what future me will do that I lose sight of the present. Instead, I will spend 20-30 minutes at night preparing my food for the next day. I will continue to blog on here. I will be brave and reach out to others, talk about my feelings and learn from others.

So, I am asking those reading this to do me a favour. Think about how you much negative self talk you do everyday. Would you ever let someone treat your best friend like you are treating yourself? How do you remind yourself to be kind? How do you stop being so hard on yourself? Please share your thoughts with me. Either through text, facebook, commenting here, however you want to talk to me. Because I'm looking for some better strategies.

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”

Buddha.