Recommitting

They say your 20s are all about self discovery and changing. I look back at the unhappy, unhealthy person that started University 5 years ago and I am amazed at the changes I have gone through. I've always been a fan of journalling and blogging and have probably 3-4 different blogs out there on the interwebs. This new blog is one I've created that pulls everything in together and will be the only one I use from now on. It's "Half Size" because it will be about my struggles and successes as I continue my journey to lose half my body weight. And it's "Teacher" because I am one year away from completing my B.Ed degree.

And yes, I meant to say completing B.Ed rather than "I will be a teacher one day." For anyone that kept up with my blog during practicum, it was obvious that I struggled. A whole lot. Yes, some of the reasons were outside of my control, but I still have to face the fact that I didn't enjoy teaching as much as I thought I would. I'm not yet sure if that's just because of the circumstances I was in, or if teaching in a general classroom is really what I am passionate about. I do know that I love sharing information with other people. I could talk about health and fitness until I was blue in the face. Some of my friends and family probably think that's all I talk about, haha! So whether I end up teaching in a general elementary classroom and teach families about healthy living through that, or specialize in it or whatever it is I end up doing with my life, I know that a huge aspect of my life will need to be sharing my knowledge and experience with others, and learning together. (Sound cheesy enough? :P )

I've been toying with the idea of creating a blog like this for a while. What really inspired me was a blog Kelly sent me that her friend has kept: http://briannawesthaver.blogspot.ca/. It was the jump start I needed! As I am currently sitting with ice on my sprained ankle for the morning, I decided it was now or never!

And as I have another 45 minutes before I need to start getting ready for work, this will be an extra long post! The following questions were stolen directly from Brianna's blog.

1. What is my primary weight loss/fitness/body change goal? 

Weight loss - don't have an exact number yet, because I haven't been under 200 pounds for a long, long time. In my head I have had 140, which would mean I would need to 160lbs in total. My fitness goal is to run up a mountain. My body change goal is the same as Brianna - to be able to confidently walk into a "regular" store and be able to buy anything I want and know that they will have a size that fits me.

2. What are my top motivations for pursing this goal?

To be a good role model and finally deal with my past.

3. What are my biggest areas of resistance to pursing this goal?

Money, time, and fighting ingrained unhealthy habits. Money because I'm still in university and can't just buy the things I want - like new clothes, bootcamps, or rewards. Time because I'm still in university and need to work. This past year the only reason I was able to do work, school, and weight loss was because I didn't volunteer at all. This year I will be volunteering in my practicum class during the year, so it will be tougher (BUT I WILL DO IT!). Ingrained habits because I've used food as a comfort for as long as I can remember. This past practicum was the first time in my life that I didn't turn to food when I was at my bottom, and that was HUGE for me. But it is still a constant battle.

4. What do I feel when I think about taking the steps required to achieve this goal? 

It is more than a little overwhelming, but for the first time I can actually see myself getting there. I know it will take a lot of hard work, but I have the tools and support I need. My support system is already great, and I know it will only grow as I do as well.

5. What do I feel when I think about the possibility of actually obtaining this goal?

It makes me tear up. I am so proud of how far I've come and I am excited to continue on. When I am at goal, I can see myself feeling strong, powerful and (it has to be said) sexy!

6. What do I feel when I imagine my body after obtaining my goal?

When I imagine my body, I imagine it representing the strength, determination and struggles that I went through. I will feel proud to walk into a room.

7. How do I think 'me on the inside' will feel when I've achieved my goal?

I am hoping I finally feel "good enough." Looking back now at the last few years (especially the last one), I have already changed a lot about "me on the inside" but I still have many issues that I need to face. I hope I continue to face the hard things and become a better person for it.

8. How would I feel if I were to abandon this goal all together and go on with previous life? 

I've done this once before. A couple years ago I lost 60 pounds then put it all back, plus 10. It felt horrible to be back at the starting point. I was more depressed last summer than I was before I started the journey years ago. But now, one year later, I see how it made me stronger. Last time I just ate healthy and exercised. I didn't spend enough time changing inside me. Now, I think about it a lot. And having "failed" once before, I can remember how disappointed I was in myself for erasing all the hard work I put into it. This time is different and I am different. 

9. If someone sat me down and told me that there its no way I'll ever achieve my goal, how much or little would I agree with them right now? 

I'm grinning ear to ear right now. Why? Because I was disagree 100%. I WILL achieve my goal. There is no doubt about that. Will I stumble along the way? Probably. But I know I have people by my side to pick me up. I have a lot of supporters, and don't have time to thank each one properly. But right now I need to give kudos to Kelly. Although I don't always appreciate her methods at first, I have become such a better person for knowing her. She's pushed me to confront those things I didn't want to. And been by my side while I've done it. I know that if I fall again, she'd be the first one to call me on it. And after I finished being mad at her (probably last a day max), she'd be there to help me get back on track.

10. What now?

I feel like I've started a new leg on this journey. I've lost 76 pounds so far, in one year and two weeks. It hasn't been easy emotionally, but at the same time, it hasn't been hard enough physically. This year, I want to make fitness be my focus. I want to see what my body can do! I have some plans floating around in my head right now, but I am waiting for a few more things to fall into place before I commit to them.