Making the Impossible Possible

When things get going in my life, they really start to move. My first post-grad, full time permanent job and it's my dream job!  I am now a Staff Member at Landmark's Vancouver Center! I am beyond thrilled about it and still in a little bit of shock, even after a week and a half of working there. When I sat in my first introduction to Landmark last December, and subsequently completing my Landmark Forum just under a year ago, I never in a million years I thought I'd be where I am today. I knew right away that I loved the type of education and tools Landmark provides, but it's taken many many coaching calls for me to stop listening to my fears of "not good enough" long enough to apply to and accept a position on staff. I don't know what the future brings for me, but I know I'm the one who is calling the shots now, which is very exciting. And now my life will continue to be about making the impossible possible - both personally and professionally.

And on that theme, I'm finally unveiling the list I've been working on. A little while ago I stumbled across Impossible HQ and immediately fell in love with his "Impossible List." So naturally I created my own! You'll notice a new page along the right hand side. This is a compilation of many things that have always been floating around in my head, but I've been too scared to ever voice them before. Not anymore. The list isn't a bucket list of things that would be nice. Nearly everything on that list at some point in my life I've said it's impossible to do that.

This list is now a challenge for me. I'm living proof that with commitment, actions and support, anything is possible. I'll be crossing these items off as I complete them as well as updating as more things pop up. I could do all of these things in my lifetime, I could do only one, or any number in between. One thing is for sure though, I'm through with listening to the voice in my head that tells me I'm not capable of any of them.

And in challenging myself, I nominate all of you. What do you think is impossible? What's niggling around in the back of your mind that you don't want to say out loud, in fear of sounding bad or your brain immediately tells you it's not possible. It could be big or small. But why not try on that it is possible, and see what actions it'd take you get you there.

Check out my list by clicking here!

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What I don't want you to know about me

I've been visiting Victoria this week so last night I went to Landmark's seminar. As always, it was exactly what I needed to hear. This seminar is about dealing powerfully with the breakdowns in your life and creating breakthroughs on demand. Considering all the big life changes I've been making recently, it's no surprise I've been dealing with some breakdowns. In scheduling, in time management, in conversations, and mostly, in all the negative self talk that seems to be rushing back in full force.

Then last night, one woman stood up and started her sharing by saying. "What I don't want you to know about me is..."

BAM. Right away I was focused on what she had to say and was so blown away by her vulnerability. We all have things we don't want to admit to others. We carry guilt and shame around our necks that weigh us down and can often stop us from taking those big leaps in our life. It also stops us from connecting with others. But really, isn't it when someone shares a deep, dark secret that you feel most connected? We can all relate with struggling. If we're lucky, we have people in our life that we can share those places with, and it's so important to hold those people close. I have many people that I can share my fears and insecurities with, and yet I know I still try to hide out. I know I'm more connected when I admit my humanity and yet I still try to hide who I am and put on a happy face even with those who know me best. And why? I don't know why. If I've learned anything in these last 7 months it's that understanding why does nothing to move life forward. What it takes is actions in the face of all that head chatter.

I've tried to write three blog posts about this before. They're all sitting unpublished in my archive. I've alluded to it a few times, but as I'm sitting on the ferry listening to "Brave" by Idina Manzel, I'm finally willing to put the words out in the world.

What I don't want you to know about me is that I'm addicted to sugar and have been struggling with binge eating disorder for as long as I can remember.

It was a little over a year ago when I heard about binge eating disorder. I knew I obviously had an unhealthy relationship with food, but when I heard "eating disorder" I only thought about bulimia and anorexia. I knew I ate too much food, but when it got really bad in high school and the first couple years of university, I would actually pride myself on not having an eating disorder because "at least I didn't throw it up." Or worse, I wish I could throw up so that I would be thinner. I can recall more than a couple of times after a particularly large binge, kneeling on the floor in the bathroom, tears running down my face. I was struggling between wanting to purge and knowing intellectually that it would make things worse. And when I didn't purge, I'd either congratulate myself or call myself a wimp, depending on my mood. That, my dear younger self, is called denial.

For those who don't know, binge eating disorder is characterized by eating of a large quantity of food in a short amount of time accompanied by a feeling of lack of control and without subsequent purging. There are more symptoms that can be found here and here if you're interested.

Now I'm much more informed and equipped. The most frightening thing for me is realizing how common it is. Stats on binge eating disorder say it occurs in 2% in men and 3.5% of women, almost twice as common as bulimia and anorexia put together. And yet I always felt so alone. So many of us suffer in silence.

I was waiting to post about this until I could say I had fully "conquered" it. So that, again, I could be a role model to those who may have been suffering in silence like me. Well enough of that. I could be one right now. Even if just one person reads this and feels more connected, well then, that's worth it for me.

Because what has taken me years to realize is not only am I beautiful, intelligent, and compassionate, but my struggles with food does absolutely nothing to counteract that. I'm not entirely free yet, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel that's coming closer with every step I take. I know I can't do this alone and I've been trying to for too long.

My request to you.. if you are struggling, in secret or not, reach out. There are a lot of services out there, from Overeaters Anonymous to websites to eating disorder clinics. And I am always here if you want to share something with me. I've been there. I've felt the guilt, the shame, the disgust, the frustration, the despair. And I'm here to say you are NOT ALONE. You are beautiful. You are worthy of love. You are absolutely perfect. And you are loved, more than you could even imagine.

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The beginnings of a blog makeover

You may have noticed my blog looks a little different. And you can expect much more to come.

When I started almost two years ago, this was my tagline:

Half Sized Teacher: Losing half my body weight and discovering what I'm passionate about.

I thought that once I reached my goal weight, that magic "150", I'd have life figured out. And even though I told people it wasn't about the number, I always had that little voice saying once I was skinny I'd be "fixed." My body would be a walking example of how I'd conquered all my inner demons. Of course, I'd hear the voice and then just push it away and say "No, I don't believe that, numbers don't define me." And yet really it's exactly what I think. Accepting that, I find myself breathing a little easier. I don't need to pretend anymore. At the moment of writing this sentence, I think that in order to be truly happy, I need to be physically smaller. And you know what's so neat about that? I'm the one doing the thinking. My inner voice can say allll she wants. I hear her. And I understand. And I'm going to go about my day being awesome and creating happiness every day.

My time as a blogger has been an incredible roller coaster ride for me. I haven't lost half my body weight yet, but I sure as hell discovered what I'm passionate about. And more than that, I've discovered that I've known all along. I was just too scared to talk about it.

I am passionate about authenticity
I am passionate about healthy living
I am passionate about education
I am passionate about being in nature
I am passionate about love
I am passionate about family
I am passionate about connection
I am passionate about confronting insecurities
I am passionate about stepping outside the comfort zone
I am passionate about contributing to other people
I am passionate about making a difference in this world
I am passionate about self care
I am passionate about hugging
I am passionate about all my geeky obsessions
I am passionate about other people being passionate and fulfilled
I am passionate about BUSTING through the limits I impose on myself
I am passionate about reaching out when all I want to do is hide out
I am passionate about living true to myself
I am passionate about people knowing themselves as beautiful, worthy, incredible human beings

I think you get the idea.. this list could go on forever.

Creating this blog was a huge step outside of my comfort zone and was amazing for me. And I realized lately I felt constrained by it. I'd avoid blogging, feel bad, get inspired to write again, write something and say "I'll proof read it tomorrow." And then judge what I wrote so much I wouldn't post it. In the last year I have 13 fully written blog posts that I haven't ever published. 13? 13?! Sorry, I hadn't counted before tonight, I didn't realize how many there were. This writing and not posting stops now. I am the only one constraining myself.  It is SO not who I am anymore. I know I have something powerful to share and I created this blog a long time ago as a platform to share. I love writing and I've really missed putting my words out there for others to read.

There are a lot of inspiring public figures people that I follow regularly... Brene Brown, Dr. Lissa Rankin, Geneen Roth, Gabrielle Bernstein. What I admire most about these women is that they all stand up for what they think is possible. They are unrelenting in sharing what matters to them. That is who I have always aspired to be.

I am also so very grateful that I have "real" people in my day to day life that lift me up. Shout outs to three people in particular who have so inspired me with their courage online lately: Bri Westhaver, Sarah Sihota, and Kelsey Mech. Your blog posts are so raw, vulnerable and authentic.

Why am I mentioning these incredible women? Because they, along with my non-blogging heros, have served as a giant spot light on how I'd been so inauthentic on my own blog.

No more being scared to post what I'm really thinking. This blog is about my journey in living a healthy life, yes, and it's so much more than that. It's about who I am and sharing what I'm truly passionate about.

http://www.onefabulouslife.com/out-of-your-comfort-zone.html

Time to get a little uncomfortable again! No more hiding quietly. Time to shout it out loud and proud. Hey world, this is who I am! This is what matters to me. Let's connect.


Coming soon: a visual make over! I was so out of touch with this blog I didn't notice my free template disappeared back in November. I don't have the time to create everything tonight, but expect some changes coming soon!

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Goodbye 2013, Hello 2014

It's hard to believe 2013 is already over. It's been an incredible year, and flown by quicker than any other.

You could say that 2012 was all about transforming my physical self. And 2013 has been, for me, the year in which I really started to transform everything else. I've really started to examine my life. Look at what I want and don't want, and the role I've played so far. Which is why I think I stopped blogging, I wanted to sort through my emotions privately. As my inbox has been flooded these last few days with blog posts from inspirational people I follow, I thought I should resurrect my own blog. Couldn't let this year go by without one final post!

Top 10 biggest moments of the year, in no particular order:

1. After 6 long years, finally finished my B.Ed and crossed the stage into "real life."
2. Had to give away my beautiful cat, Tilly. She went to a wonderful family with a little boy who adores her though, and every time I miss her I remind myself I made the best choice for both of us.
3. Got my heart broken for the first time.
4. Completed my Landmark Forum, and went on to do 3 more courses with them. 
5. Went to San Fran (twice!).
6. Had my first real, post grad, 8-4 job, working as a Inventory Verification Coordinator at the military gym.
7. Said good bye to some of my favourite people, and met new friends that quickly became family.
8. Reconnected with my Dad's side of the family.
9. Had four incredible conversations with important people in my life that changed the way I view life, and myself.
10. Gave up being that little girl that's scared of everything but too scared to admit even that. When those excuses and self created drama pop up, I have systems in place to bring me back to reality, and what I really care about.

What a year. In terms of my weight loss journey, I can't boast that I've kept off all the weight I lost last year. However, I have systems in place for 2014 to work off the 20lbs that I did let come back. Which includes more blogging on here. 

And for my last share of 2013, here are 3 quotes that seem to sum up my "plan" for this next year.

Sitting here, imagining 2014, I've got the biggest smile on my face. I'm starting the year with no job, no major plan, and a whole whack load of excitement. Why? Because of what I do have. Skills, connections, an education, systems in place and most important - a passion for living life full out, knowing I am the one who creates my life.

I don't know exactly what this year will bring, but I know it will be big. And for once that doesn't scare me at all. For starters, I'm leaving Victoria and moving back to the mainland. I might travel, I might move across the world, I might start my career with Landmark, I might go back for my Master's, I might start a business, I might do something entirely different that I can't even imagine. I'm 24 - The possibilities are endless and I get to create the world and life I want. I am SO fortunate to be where I am, and to have such wonderful people in my life to ground me and lift me up at the same time.





I used to be an incredibly cautious person. I didn't like change, not knowing made me angry, and don't even get me started about avoiding conflict! I would make pro and con lists like no bodies business. And all that brain power was used up to what, prove to someone else that I was perfect and never made any bad choices? Some of my greatest choices have been made on a whim, or when the cons side seemed bigger. UVic, Curves, BDHQ, Landmark. I don't regret a single choice. And I've made a lot of mistakes as well. And isn't that great?! Because I have learned SO much from them. Can't wait for all the mistakes I get to make and learn from. I promise right now to do at least one blog post next year that talks about all the mistakes I've made lately. 

Bring it on, 2014. Let's go on an adventure called taking on what REALLY matters to me.

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Family

This is the first August I can remember that I'm not thinking about school starting in just a few weeks. It feels so strange and so right at the same time. As I move into this next stage in my life, I am gaining a true appreciation for everything that has brought me to where I am today.

The struggles.

The triumphs.

The laughs.

The broken hearts.

My friends.

My family.

Family is huge for me right now. It makes sense why. I reconnected with my amazing cousin Kristin in June, and now we are living together and working together. We talk about our family almost every day, and how much we appreciate being brought together. Sharing our sacred home space together while building an amazing place of health, healing and prosperity. 

While thinking about how to describe the love I feel for my family I tried looking up definitions online. It actually made me laugh out loud. Here are some of the ones I found:

- a fundamental social group in society typically consisting of one or two parents and their children

- a group of persons sharing common ancestry

- a group of people who are generally not blood relations but who share common attitudes, interests, or goals

And my personal favourite...

- a locally independent organized crime unit 

Family isn't something easily defined in a one or two dictionary style sentence. For me, how I define and feel about my family is constantly in flux. About a month ago I participated in the Landmark Advanced Course over in Vancouver and it was incredible. I got a lot out of it, but I think the most for me was the staggering realization of just how important my family is to me. And that I was carrying around a lot of anger and pain when it came to certain broken relationships. That's all gone now, replaced with amazing possibilities of genuine affection, appreciation and connection.

I started calling people I'd never spoke to on the phone before. I called my Aunts and thanked them for always being there for me. I called a set of grandparents that I didn't know at all and told them I wanted a relationship, and apologized for growing up angry at them that they were not actively involved like my other grandparents. I thanked my parents for everything they've given me. I had the best hug ever with my sister. 

I'm more committed than ever to having a great relationship with every person in my family. They are all such amazing people, and up to some pretty big things! And I am so grateful for each and every one of them. I have so much to learn from each of them as well, and I'm excited to know them for who they are. 

So to my grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, parents, sister, and my huge extended family... this post is for you. As I open the gates to this new life I'm creating, I will remember that I'm never alone. I have a huge group of people rallying behind me, ready to catch and support me whenever I stumble. I will never take that for granted again. Love and hugs to you all.

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The summer of new!

Wow, what a whirl wind this summer is turning out to be! Life has a way of lining up for me lately. Approaching life with a positive, loving, and go getter attitude has made so much possible for me! Lots of amazing things have been happening and I will explain more in detail later. But here are the high lights:

New job: I got a new full time job working for DND. It's a 90 day casual position with a high chance of being renewed in January. Super exciting! I'll still be working part time at the hotel, to keep my perks, get extra $, and keep my commitments there as much as possible. I have no plans of getting on the TOC list this year, but I'm still open to possibility of teaching overseas.

New home: I'm moving in with my cousin to a GORGEOUS apartment a block away from the beach. I'm so excited about our place and us living together. I think it's going to be amazing and I am so glad things are working out. Parting with roommates is always so difficult for me (tears EVERY time) but I'm in the space of being grateful for the incredible people I've had the opportunity of living with, as I wouldn't be the person I am today without them.

New adventures: This will be the first year that I'm not returning to school in September. I quite literally can't remember a time that I wasn't in school. The last 6 years have been all about me going to school full time, working to pay for it, and then using whatever left over time to attempt to take care of myself. I am looking forward to this next leg of my life with supreme excitement and gratitude. I am creating my path in life and it feels AWESOME.

New friends: These last three months I've been participating in weekly seminars through Landmark and it has so wonderful. Today was our last session (cue tears!) but I'm so grateful for everyone that I have met and excited to see where we all go.

Appreciation: With all these "new" and exciting adventures to come, it reminds me that change does not have to be a big, scary thing. My life is going to change a LOT in the next year, I can just feel it, I'm right on the edge and about to take a giant leap. And gosh darn-it, for once, I am going to jump with open arms and take it all in. The good, the bad, the excitement, the struggles, the triumphs...

Hello my big messy life. I love you and I'm so glad I get to have this experience!

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Living from a place of gratitude

As my facebook statuses may have indicated already, I've been trying to live from a place of gratitude these last few weeks. Just that subtle shift from being frustrated with what's wrong to being grateful for what I do have has been huge. I've always understood that the not so great things will always be there so worrying about them is futile, but living in it this week has seemed so much more amazing than ever before.

Every day I'm seeing tons of reasons to be happy. My prime examples:

This morning, I forgot we start later on the weekends so accidentally showed up almost an hour early for work. Instead of moaning about my missed hour of sleep, I went out and sat on the grass, over looking the water. I finally tried out one of those free meditations that I downloaded weeks ago and got a chance to enjoy the view. It made my day go all that smoother.

A couple days ago, I was biking up Shelbourne, feeling all happy with myself thinking I was going fast when another biker sped past me making me look like I was going at a snail's pace. I admit my first reaction was to snarl and make an off hand comment about her having a proper commuter bike, but I stopped myself almost immediately. Instead, I remembered two summers ago trying to bike from the Root Cellar back home was so painful we had to stop/walk our bikes every hill, no matter how little, and I was near tears by the end. And now I can ride my bike the 10km to work, clean rooms for 8 hours, and then bike home and still be smiling by the time I am finished! Not to mention that just a week or so ago I did that same route that almost broke me two years ago, and I didn't have to stop once. I powered through those hills out of sheer determination!

I've had guests at the hotel that anger me.. who leave their garbage everywhere and expect us housekeepers to be their personal maids during their stay. They really got to me when I first started working there, and it made it tough for me to enjoy the things I did like about my job. Now I am so thankful every time I meet a nice guest, or go into a room where the guests are clean. Every time I see that a guest has attempted to make the bed already it makes me smile, and feel very grateful that they want to do something to make my job a little bit easier. Once I started looking out for those nice guests, those not so great ones just faded away.

I've been really missing my cat, Tilly, lately. It was more painful than I realized it would be to let her go. But when I start to feel that sadness take over me, I am reminded of how grateful I am for the amazing family I found for her. Where I know she's loved and spoiled absolutely rotten. Given that the only time I've spent at home these last two weeks has been to sleep, I know she wouldn't get the attention she needs. Also, I'm SO grateful that the Delta hotel lets our head of HR bring her dog to work every day. I've been stopping by almost daily for a quick pet.

The other thing that I'm SUPER grateful for is that I feel like all my hard work with weight loss is going to pay off this next week! I've wanted to do Wild Play, a super fun looking rope obstacle course, for as long as I could remember. However, they had a size limit because their harnesses only go up to a certain size. This is the first summer I'm able to fit into them so to celebrate I'm going there for my birthday on Saturday! I am beyond excited for the entire day and love that I get to do it with some very dear friends!

A lot of exciting things have been happening in my life since I calmed down and started to truly appreciate what I have. I can't wait until I can share them with you! Hopefully by the end of the week :)

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