The Games We Play

Life is a series of games. Some of them we choose intentionally, some subconsciously, some life throws at us and we have to learn how to play - QUICK.  I've been looking at this recently.

I realized that I've been relating to everything as something I needed to win. School, career, family, weight loss... it was if I couldn't let myself enjoy the journey unless I knew I'd be getting a gold star at the end. And when I put things out that I didn't know how to win (like my Impossible List), I'd freak out and conveniently "forget" about it. I've been doing some work to shift that way of thinking lately and it's made the last few months make a lot more sense.

Looking back, I realize now that my game for the last two months has been what is the absolutely minimal actions I need to take so that no one notices I'm drowning and will leave me alone. It worked. For maybe three weeks tops. Then people saw and have been loving the heck out of me as I get back on my two feet again.

It was so obvious when I saw it. When I don't create big games that excite me, my default is to hide and blame. "Go away world, I'm sulking here." Good thing to note! Slowly and surely each step I've been taking these last few weeks has me waking up to the world around me. Now I look around and I have so much going on that I realized I needed to get clear about what I was up to. Insert.. the Wisdom Course!

May 29th marked the first day of my 8 month program. Earlier this week I created what I wanted to get out of the course with my Accomplishment Coach. I'm a little scared of sharing the goals... my identity hates when it thinks people will notice I fail. But here they are anyway! If you want to join me in any of these, get in touch! Let's support one another.

My declaration: By the end of the program, I've designed the life I've never even imagined I could have.


Health
My relationship to my body will be one of love and empowerment. I will nourish myself: mind, body and soul.

Love
Fall in love with a man who lights up my soul and makes me laugh. Have fun together - in and out of the bedroom!

Career
Immediate game: get a job. Make amazing workshops with Jane from TRE Vancouver. Be part of Empower Health growing and expanding.

Long term game: My career takes off! Make the choice - do I go back to school to become a naturopathic doctor? I've begun to map out my niche in the holistic health field and have clarity around my next steps.

Family
Laugh with my family. Stand by my sister as she marries the love of her life. Spend quality time with my sister, parents, aunts, grandparents, cousins... hear their stories and share my own. True connection.

Finances
My cash flow is overfilling. I have a solid plan for getting out of debt and paying my student loans. I make budgets and STICK to it.


What game do you want to be playing? What could you create for yourself that would be worth your time? We're all in a made up games anyway. May as as well have fun while we're in it!

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News flash: I'm fat again

I wrote this post about 4 months ago, and was too afraid to push publish then. Now I think it's beautiful and from the heart... exactly what I want to put out in the world.

I’m fat again.

That’s my number one thought when I look into the mirror these days.

Worse than that, I’m fat again after my very public weight loss journey. I spent 2 years blogging about my new and forever healthy life style on this very blog.

There’s so many thoughts swirling around my mind right now…

How did this happen?
Why did I let this happen?

I’m a fraud.

People are judging me.

My family is concerned.

I’m back to looking at the ground when I walk because I don’t want to see the disgust in people’s faces.

How am I going to do this all over again?

Will I ever be able to keep this weight off?

I wish sugar was a banned substance (that’s a whole other post itself)

Thankfully I don’t always listen to those thoughts anymore. When I'm feeling a little more sane, I go to this:  Ok, what did I avoid learning last time that had me gaining weight again? What do I need to learn from this?

Oh. Bingo. The truth of the matter... I hated myself thin. My blogs were mostly cheery and upbeat and often didn’t portray what I was really saying to myself. Even at my lowest weight when I looked into the mirror all I saw were my flaws. And I lost weight because I wanted to be loved. Because how on earth could I find love at 300 pounds? Of course other fat girls could, because they are beautiful people. But me? Nope, not in my cards.

“I’m your worst fear.” My worst fear two years ago was regaining all the weight I had lost. Well, I’ve regained it, and I’m still here. I’m alive. Not only that, but even just writing that makes me a little sick to my stomach. That was my worst fear? Talk about first world problems.

So fucking tired of this same old story. No thoughtful insights this time. No shiny new action plan. No cheery - I can do it, I'm strong pom pom dance. Just me. Going through the eye of the fucking needle. Can I just be on the other side now please?

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Game Changer

Yesterday I was asked this poignant question: what would my life look like if it’s NOT about losing weight? 

I was speechless. My life has to be about losing weight. Why? Well, because I'm fat. Because I have to get skinny. Why? Because I have to get healthy. Aren't you passionate about Health at Every Size? Yes, ok, other people can preach body love and fat acceptance and I will always cheer them on, but I have to lose weight. Why? Umm, umm, umm, well, because I want to be a naturopath. OK, so why do you have to lose weight? Because no one will go see a fat naturopath. Says who? Oh. Says me. The truth - it's the only way of life I know.

The last 10 years of my life can be summed up in two categories: losing weight or failing at losing weight.

Along the way I’ve managed to conquer countless fears, earn a degree, make a lasting impact on dozens of people’s lives, but it all seems to boil down to one fact. I gained the weight back. Again.  Therefore, I failed.

But wait… what if it wasn’t that? What if it didn’t need to be that?

What if I chose to not be a player in the multi-billion industry that has a 95% failure rate. 

What if I could just change my context entirely? What if my life was about doing what I love, being with people I love, and making a difference in the world?

Game changer.

My monkey mind is telling me I’ve tried to do this before. And I have. I've had some success with it too. Fairly short termed.. I'd have maybe one whole day of not thinking about my food choices. And then the next day I'd beat myself up twice as hard. I also did most of it alone. I’d let people in, and let people help me… but only as far as I comfortable letting them in. And if it got too intense I’d pull away. 

I could fight that voice and try to prove it wrong. I could listen to that voice and raise my hands in defeat. Or... I could smile. I could say thank you. I can say: I honour you. Thank you for keeping me safe so far. 

Now I’ve got something even bigger on my side. Not only do I have a community of people who will stand by my side as I fumble my way through this new way of thinking, I'm actually aware of it. I know who they are and man, do I ever love my army of dreamers.

What if I just really don’t have a clue how to do it at all? What if I could stop pretending that I know what I am doing? What if I could just embrace the crazy wonderfulness of my life?

So this is me. Learning what it looks like to live a life that’s NOT about losing weight. 

I'll leave you with this gem:

This is the theme song of my life. It's been playing on repeat ALLLLL week.

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Weigh ins, breakdowns, and breakthroughs!

Last week reality came crashing down on me. In two years, I have regained 100 pounds. I knew my clothes weren't fitting and I didn't recognize my body (again) but seeing the number was like a punch to the gut.

Thankfully I was with my new naturopath at the time, and she was so wonderful. I left her office feeling confident and excited for this part of my journey with her as my support. And yet what followed was a week full of old habits - quickly eaten baked goods, chocolate bars hidden in my purse and a couple of sleepless nights. It wasn't until Thursday when it hit me... I had done it again. Rationalized myself out of my feelings without actually feeling them. This JK Rowling quote does a good job of summing up my Thursday night.

And feel it I did. Waves of guilt and shame and fear rolled over me so strongly it took my breath away. The urge to reach for food was strong and swift. What kept me from reaching for it wasn't will power, it the was the comfort in knowing that even though all this, the Universe was taking care of me and this was right where I needed to be.

My roommate Meredith came home just as I was starting to calm down and helped me get to the bottom of it all. Her most poignant question: "Can you forgive yourself?"

Oh boy. Accept where I'm at, sure, it will take something, but I've added enough tools to my toolkit these past few years that I could do that. But forgive myself? When she asked, I got so choked up no words came out. What is it about forgiveness?

That question had me looking at all of the negative self talk that came with my weight gain. I was a bad example to others, that I'm a terrible Staff Member, I'll never have the health I want, my friends and family will judge me and I'll come up short, I'll never find love and I'll definitely never have a career in empowering people with their health.

Finally feeling these feelings felt horrible. It took me to the dark place that I don't like going. The reward...Coming out on the other side was a breath of fresh air. A renewed sense of purpose. An ability to reach out to those around me and ask for the support I need. Digging through the weeds of the crap I had made up reminded me that none of it was the truth. I didn't need those thoughts in my head, I could acknowledge they were there and then kiss them goodbye.

Here I am. 25 years old and 280 pounds. After more reflection this weekend, the thing I know for sure is I have not failed. I am not a failure. I am on my journey to discovering what health is for me, and this is a necessary part of that.

I know the mechanics of losing weight. I've shown many times that my determination and will power can bring me success. I've also shown that what I've done so far has not been maintainable. Something in my life happens that throws me off balance for a while and I gain all the weight back. So instead of going straight back to what I already know, I'm coming from a place of curiosity.

What is my body trying to tell me?
What is the science behind weight gain and obesity?
What happens when I come from a place of authentically loving myself?
Who can I lean on and go to for support?
How will accepting that support bring me closer to my goals?
What does it mean to take care of myself first?

Now, at 10:30pm on Sunday, November 23rd.. these words come easily and authentically.

I forgive myself. For regaining weight. For not taking care of myself. For stepping over what matters to me time and time again. For hiding out. For holding back. For avoiding my friends and family. For letting fear stop me. I forgive myself. And now I get to discover what it looks like to love myself in the face of all of this. Better hold on, it's a bumpy and exciting ride!

Namaste folks, it's bedtime.

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Celebrating vs Judging

What I've discovered from my first month of my 100 Days of Love Challenge:

• My default has been to judge how far I still have to go, rather than to celebrate how far I've come. I've known that for a while, and now I am actively taking on challenging that conversation.
• Little steps add up to big changes when you take the time to look back.
• When I take on new responsibilities and bigger games in life, my old habits can come creeping back and compassion is the key when they do.
• People get weird when you start talking about learning to love yourself. I've had the mixed bag of reactions.. from eyebrows raised and people scoffing to nods of approval and interested questions. I'm learning to love the reactions.
• That every time I reach out for support, I'm reminded that I'm surrounded by people who love me for who I am, not for what I do or how much I can accomplish or what I weigh. Which of course I know, but that nasty voice inside my head forgets that sometimes. 
• On that note, I am NOT the little voice in my head. Which again, intellectually I know, and I have to remind myself of that often right now.

A few days ago I started to feel really guilty that I'd stopped taking daily pictures of my acts of love. And started doubting that I'd really taken this challenge seriously. Then I looked back at all that I've accomplished since I started.

I take my iron supplements every morning.

I now bike to and from work almost every day.

I make green smoothies for breakfast or lunch.

I eat out maybe 1-2 times a week, tops.

I'm up at 7:30am every morning, call Caroline at 7:35am and do yoga at 7:40am.

Every time I look in the mirror, I take a moment to be grateful for my day and acknowledge something I've accomplished already.

The crazy thing... I didn't set out with those goals. I set out with the goal of learning to love myself, and this is what has grown from that, completely organically. 

31 days in, 59 to go. I can't wait to see what comes next.

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100 Days of Love

Reading back at some of my earlier blog entries, I have this sensation of coming full circle. Although I wasn't always aware and able to articulate it, this blog has been about the same thing all along. My journey to loving myself, for everything I am and everything I'm not.

I started a new project a few days ago, called "100 Days of Love." For the next 100 days, I've committed to having a date with myself in the mirror first thing every morning. I look myself in the eye and say "I love you." Try it some time, it's harder than it sounds. After that somewhat emotional start, I continue with my day looking for ways that I can show love and compassion to myself. So far I've also taken a picture of one intentional act each day and posted it to Facebook.

Gotta say, I'm LOVING this. It's an interesting challenge to face the realities of what the little voice inside me says. On one hand I know that voice isn't me and it's all lies. On the other, I'm really curious to start examining those beliefs and seeing the impact of rewiring my brain to have positive thoughts. It's something I've been examining all year with my work at Landmark, but now I'm taking it another step further, with the sole lens of self love and acceptance.

Why you ask? There's a number of reasons. Starting this new job for one. I love what I get to do, and it can be harder to remember that on those days when I'm beating myself up and putting myself down. Unfortunately, that accounts for a good chunk of my first two months. Even though it feels like I'm still swimming as hard as I can against a strong current, thankfully my head is above the water. That is thanks in no small part to the unrelenting support of my family, friends, my Landmark family and especially my coworkers.

What's harder for me to face and admit publicly (although it's obvious), I've put on quite a bit of the weight I lost. I haven't been on a scale in a while, but the last time I did, I was back over 200 pounds. Which has been really frustrating for me. That was, until I realized all I had to do was accept it. To chose my body as it is now. And to take responsibility for the fact that I haven't been doing what I know to do.

It's been all too easy to fall back into old habits of shrugging off workouts, staying up late to watch youtube videos and going for those 3pm coffee and cookie runs.

There's been an interesting battle going on in my head..

"It's ok to eat a cookie, if you restrict yourself it'll be worse.""Stop using that as an excuse, fat ass.""It won't help to say negative things about your body. You know that only makes you want to eat more. One won't hurt.""Fine. But as of tomorrow no more wheat. Or sugar." "Yeah right, that'll happen.""Not with that attitude.""Leave me alone.""Never.""Oh joy. Will this ever end?"

And all of that conversation happens in the time it takes me to pull up my Starbucks app and smile at the barista.

It's the familiar way I deal with things. Going internally. Shutting people out and not answering phone calls. Turning to ice cream and movies. Reality smacked me in the face, in the form of my small but mighty boss reflecting back what I already knew. I just didn't want to be responsible for my actions. It's as simple as that.

And hence.. new project! 100 Days of Love is a huge part of the structures I'm creating around my health. There's more to come, that I'm excited to see unfold. :)

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Making the Impossible Possible

When things get going in my life, they really start to move. My first post-grad, full time permanent job and it's my dream job!  I am now a Staff Member at Landmark's Vancouver Center! I am beyond thrilled about it and still in a little bit of shock, even after a week and a half of working there. When I sat in my first introduction to Landmark last December, and subsequently completing my Landmark Forum just under a year ago, I never in a million years I thought I'd be where I am today. I knew right away that I loved the type of education and tools Landmark provides, but it's taken many many coaching calls for me to stop listening to my fears of "not good enough" long enough to apply to and accept a position on staff. I don't know what the future brings for me, but I know I'm the one who is calling the shots now, which is very exciting. And now my life will continue to be about making the impossible possible - both personally and professionally.

And on that theme, I'm finally unveiling the list I've been working on. A little while ago I stumbled across Impossible HQ and immediately fell in love with his "Impossible List." So naturally I created my own! You'll notice a new page along the right hand side. This is a compilation of many things that have always been floating around in my head, but I've been too scared to ever voice them before. Not anymore. The list isn't a bucket list of things that would be nice. Nearly everything on that list at some point in my life I've said it's impossible to do that.

This list is now a challenge for me. I'm living proof that with commitment, actions and support, anything is possible. I'll be crossing these items off as I complete them as well as updating as more things pop up. I could do all of these things in my lifetime, I could do only one, or any number in between. One thing is for sure though, I'm through with listening to the voice in my head that tells me I'm not capable of any of them.

And in challenging myself, I nominate all of you. What do you think is impossible? What's niggling around in the back of your mind that you don't want to say out loud, in fear of sounding bad or your brain immediately tells you it's not possible. It could be big or small. But why not try on that it is possible, and see what actions it'd take you get you there.

Check out my list by clicking here!

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What I don't want you to know about me

I've been visiting Victoria this week so last night I went to Landmark's seminar. As always, it was exactly what I needed to hear. This seminar is about dealing powerfully with the breakdowns in your life and creating breakthroughs on demand. Considering all the big life changes I've been making recently, it's no surprise I've been dealing with some breakdowns. In scheduling, in time management, in conversations, and mostly, in all the negative self talk that seems to be rushing back in full force.

Then last night, one woman stood up and started her sharing by saying. "What I don't want you to know about me is..."

BAM. Right away I was focused on what she had to say and was so blown away by her vulnerability. We all have things we don't want to admit to others. We carry guilt and shame around our necks that weigh us down and can often stop us from taking those big leaps in our life. It also stops us from connecting with others. But really, isn't it when someone shares a deep, dark secret that you feel most connected? We can all relate with struggling. If we're lucky, we have people in our life that we can share those places with, and it's so important to hold those people close. I have many people that I can share my fears and insecurities with, and yet I know I still try to hide out. I know I'm more connected when I admit my humanity and yet I still try to hide who I am and put on a happy face even with those who know me best. And why? I don't know why. If I've learned anything in these last 7 months it's that understanding why does nothing to move life forward. What it takes is actions in the face of all that head chatter.

I've tried to write three blog posts about this before. They're all sitting unpublished in my archive. I've alluded to it a few times, but as I'm sitting on the ferry listening to "Brave" by Idina Manzel, I'm finally willing to put the words out in the world.

What I don't want you to know about me is that I'm addicted to sugar and have been struggling with binge eating disorder for as long as I can remember.

It was a little over a year ago when I heard about binge eating disorder. I knew I obviously had an unhealthy relationship with food, but when I heard "eating disorder" I only thought about bulimia and anorexia. I knew I ate too much food, but when it got really bad in high school and the first couple years of university, I would actually pride myself on not having an eating disorder because "at least I didn't throw it up." Or worse, I wish I could throw up so that I would be thinner. I can recall more than a couple of times after a particularly large binge, kneeling on the floor in the bathroom, tears running down my face. I was struggling between wanting to purge and knowing intellectually that it would make things worse. And when I didn't purge, I'd either congratulate myself or call myself a wimp, depending on my mood. That, my dear younger self, is called denial.

For those who don't know, binge eating disorder is characterized by eating of a large quantity of food in a short amount of time accompanied by a feeling of lack of control and without subsequent purging. There are more symptoms that can be found here and here if you're interested.

Now I'm much more informed and equipped. The most frightening thing for me is realizing how common it is. Stats on binge eating disorder say it occurs in 2% in men and 3.5% of women, almost twice as common as bulimia and anorexia put together. And yet I always felt so alone. So many of us suffer in silence.

I was waiting to post about this until I could say I had fully "conquered" it. So that, again, I could be a role model to those who may have been suffering in silence like me. Well enough of that. I could be one right now. Even if just one person reads this and feels more connected, well then, that's worth it for me.

Because what has taken me years to realize is not only am I beautiful, intelligent, and compassionate, but my struggles with food does absolutely nothing to counteract that. I'm not entirely free yet, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel that's coming closer with every step I take. I know I can't do this alone and I've been trying to for too long.

My request to you.. if you are struggling, in secret or not, reach out. There are a lot of services out there, from Overeaters Anonymous to websites to eating disorder clinics. And I am always here if you want to share something with me. I've been there. I've felt the guilt, the shame, the disgust, the frustration, the despair. And I'm here to say you are NOT ALONE. You are beautiful. You are worthy of love. You are absolutely perfect. And you are loved, more than you could even imagine.

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The beginnings of a blog makeover

You may have noticed my blog looks a little different. And you can expect much more to come.

When I started almost two years ago, this was my tagline:

Half Sized Teacher: Losing half my body weight and discovering what I'm passionate about.

I thought that once I reached my goal weight, that magic "150", I'd have life figured out. And even though I told people it wasn't about the number, I always had that little voice saying once I was skinny I'd be "fixed." My body would be a walking example of how I'd conquered all my inner demons. Of course, I'd hear the voice and then just push it away and say "No, I don't believe that, numbers don't define me." And yet really it's exactly what I think. Accepting that, I find myself breathing a little easier. I don't need to pretend anymore. At the moment of writing this sentence, I think that in order to be truly happy, I need to be physically smaller. And you know what's so neat about that? I'm the one doing the thinking. My inner voice can say allll she wants. I hear her. And I understand. And I'm going to go about my day being awesome and creating happiness every day.

My time as a blogger has been an incredible roller coaster ride for me. I haven't lost half my body weight yet, but I sure as hell discovered what I'm passionate about. And more than that, I've discovered that I've known all along. I was just too scared to talk about it.

I am passionate about authenticity
I am passionate about healthy living
I am passionate about education
I am passionate about being in nature
I am passionate about love
I am passionate about family
I am passionate about connection
I am passionate about confronting insecurities
I am passionate about stepping outside the comfort zone
I am passionate about contributing to other people
I am passionate about making a difference in this world
I am passionate about self care
I am passionate about hugging
I am passionate about all my geeky obsessions
I am passionate about other people being passionate and fulfilled
I am passionate about BUSTING through the limits I impose on myself
I am passionate about reaching out when all I want to do is hide out
I am passionate about living true to myself
I am passionate about people knowing themselves as beautiful, worthy, incredible human beings

I think you get the idea.. this list could go on forever.

Creating this blog was a huge step outside of my comfort zone and was amazing for me. And I realized lately I felt constrained by it. I'd avoid blogging, feel bad, get inspired to write again, write something and say "I'll proof read it tomorrow." And then judge what I wrote so much I wouldn't post it. In the last year I have 13 fully written blog posts that I haven't ever published. 13? 13?! Sorry, I hadn't counted before tonight, I didn't realize how many there were. This writing and not posting stops now. I am the only one constraining myself.  It is SO not who I am anymore. I know I have something powerful to share and I created this blog a long time ago as a platform to share. I love writing and I've really missed putting my words out there for others to read.

There are a lot of inspiring public figures people that I follow regularly... Brene Brown, Dr. Lissa Rankin, Geneen Roth, Gabrielle Bernstein. What I admire most about these women is that they all stand up for what they think is possible. They are unrelenting in sharing what matters to them. That is who I have always aspired to be.

I am also so very grateful that I have "real" people in my day to day life that lift me up. Shout outs to three people in particular who have so inspired me with their courage online lately: Bri Westhaver, Sarah Sihota, and Kelsey Mech. Your blog posts are so raw, vulnerable and authentic.

Why am I mentioning these incredible women? Because they, along with my non-blogging heros, have served as a giant spot light on how I'd been so inauthentic on my own blog.

No more being scared to post what I'm really thinking. This blog is about my journey in living a healthy life, yes, and it's so much more than that. It's about who I am and sharing what I'm truly passionate about.

http://www.onefabulouslife.com/out-of-your-comfort-zone.html

Time to get a little uncomfortable again! No more hiding quietly. Time to shout it out loud and proud. Hey world, this is who I am! This is what matters to me. Let's connect.


Coming soon: a visual make over! I was so out of touch with this blog I didn't notice my free template disappeared back in November. I don't have the time to create everything tonight, but expect some changes coming soon!

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Goodbye 2013, Hello 2014

It's hard to believe 2013 is already over. It's been an incredible year, and flown by quicker than any other.

You could say that 2012 was all about transforming my physical self. And 2013 has been, for me, the year in which I really started to transform everything else. I've really started to examine my life. Look at what I want and don't want, and the role I've played so far. Which is why I think I stopped blogging, I wanted to sort through my emotions privately. As my inbox has been flooded these last few days with blog posts from inspirational people I follow, I thought I should resurrect my own blog. Couldn't let this year go by without one final post!

Top 10 biggest moments of the year, in no particular order:

1. After 6 long years, finally finished my B.Ed and crossed the stage into "real life."
2. Had to give away my beautiful cat, Tilly. She went to a wonderful family with a little boy who adores her though, and every time I miss her I remind myself I made the best choice for both of us.
3. Got my heart broken for the first time.
4. Completed my Landmark Forum, and went on to do 3 more courses with them. 
5. Went to San Fran (twice!).
6. Had my first real, post grad, 8-4 job, working as a Inventory Verification Coordinator at the military gym.
7. Said good bye to some of my favourite people, and met new friends that quickly became family.
8. Reconnected with my Dad's side of the family.
9. Had four incredible conversations with important people in my life that changed the way I view life, and myself.
10. Gave up being that little girl that's scared of everything but too scared to admit even that. When those excuses and self created drama pop up, I have systems in place to bring me back to reality, and what I really care about.

What a year. In terms of my weight loss journey, I can't boast that I've kept off all the weight I lost last year. However, I have systems in place for 2014 to work off the 20lbs that I did let come back. Which includes more blogging on here. 

And for my last share of 2013, here are 3 quotes that seem to sum up my "plan" for this next year.

Sitting here, imagining 2014, I've got the biggest smile on my face. I'm starting the year with no job, no major plan, and a whole whack load of excitement. Why? Because of what I do have. Skills, connections, an education, systems in place and most important - a passion for living life full out, knowing I am the one who creates my life.

I don't know exactly what this year will bring, but I know it will be big. And for once that doesn't scare me at all. For starters, I'm leaving Victoria and moving back to the mainland. I might travel, I might move across the world, I might start my career with Landmark, I might go back for my Master's, I might start a business, I might do something entirely different that I can't even imagine. I'm 24 - The possibilities are endless and I get to create the world and life I want. I am SO fortunate to be where I am, and to have such wonderful people in my life to ground me and lift me up at the same time.





I used to be an incredibly cautious person. I didn't like change, not knowing made me angry, and don't even get me started about avoiding conflict! I would make pro and con lists like no bodies business. And all that brain power was used up to what, prove to someone else that I was perfect and never made any bad choices? Some of my greatest choices have been made on a whim, or when the cons side seemed bigger. UVic, Curves, BDHQ, Landmark. I don't regret a single choice. And I've made a lot of mistakes as well. And isn't that great?! Because I have learned SO much from them. Can't wait for all the mistakes I get to make and learn from. I promise right now to do at least one blog post next year that talks about all the mistakes I've made lately. 

Bring it on, 2014. Let's go on an adventure called taking on what REALLY matters to me.

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Family

This is the first August I can remember that I'm not thinking about school starting in just a few weeks. It feels so strange and so right at the same time. As I move into this next stage in my life, I am gaining a true appreciation for everything that has brought me to where I am today.

The struggles.

The triumphs.

The laughs.

The broken hearts.

My friends.

My family.

Family is huge for me right now. It makes sense why. I reconnected with my amazing cousin Kristin in June, and now we are living together and working together. We talk about our family almost every day, and how much we appreciate being brought together. Sharing our sacred home space together while building an amazing place of health, healing and prosperity. 

While thinking about how to describe the love I feel for my family I tried looking up definitions online. It actually made me laugh out loud. Here are some of the ones I found:

- a fundamental social group in society typically consisting of one or two parents and their children

- a group of persons sharing common ancestry

- a group of people who are generally not blood relations but who share common attitudes, interests, or goals

And my personal favourite...

- a locally independent organized crime unit 

Family isn't something easily defined in a one or two dictionary style sentence. For me, how I define and feel about my family is constantly in flux. About a month ago I participated in the Landmark Advanced Course over in Vancouver and it was incredible. I got a lot out of it, but I think the most for me was the staggering realization of just how important my family is to me. And that I was carrying around a lot of anger and pain when it came to certain broken relationships. That's all gone now, replaced with amazing possibilities of genuine affection, appreciation and connection.

I started calling people I'd never spoke to on the phone before. I called my Aunts and thanked them for always being there for me. I called a set of grandparents that I didn't know at all and told them I wanted a relationship, and apologized for growing up angry at them that they were not actively involved like my other grandparents. I thanked my parents for everything they've given me. I had the best hug ever with my sister. 

I'm more committed than ever to having a great relationship with every person in my family. They are all such amazing people, and up to some pretty big things! And I am so grateful for each and every one of them. I have so much to learn from each of them as well, and I'm excited to know them for who they are. 

So to my grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, parents, sister, and my huge extended family... this post is for you. As I open the gates to this new life I'm creating, I will remember that I'm never alone. I have a huge group of people rallying behind me, ready to catch and support me whenever I stumble. I will never take that for granted again. Love and hugs to you all.

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The summer of new!

Wow, what a whirl wind this summer is turning out to be! Life has a way of lining up for me lately. Approaching life with a positive, loving, and go getter attitude has made so much possible for me! Lots of amazing things have been happening and I will explain more in detail later. But here are the high lights:

New job: I got a new full time job working for DND. It's a 90 day casual position with a high chance of being renewed in January. Super exciting! I'll still be working part time at the hotel, to keep my perks, get extra $, and keep my commitments there as much as possible. I have no plans of getting on the TOC list this year, but I'm still open to possibility of teaching overseas.

New home: I'm moving in with my cousin to a GORGEOUS apartment a block away from the beach. I'm so excited about our place and us living together. I think it's going to be amazing and I am so glad things are working out. Parting with roommates is always so difficult for me (tears EVERY time) but I'm in the space of being grateful for the incredible people I've had the opportunity of living with, as I wouldn't be the person I am today without them.

New adventures: This will be the first year that I'm not returning to school in September. I quite literally can't remember a time that I wasn't in school. The last 6 years have been all about me going to school full time, working to pay for it, and then using whatever left over time to attempt to take care of myself. I am looking forward to this next leg of my life with supreme excitement and gratitude. I am creating my path in life and it feels AWESOME.

New friends: These last three months I've been participating in weekly seminars through Landmark and it has so wonderful. Today was our last session (cue tears!) but I'm so grateful for everyone that I have met and excited to see where we all go.

Appreciation: With all these "new" and exciting adventures to come, it reminds me that change does not have to be a big, scary thing. My life is going to change a LOT in the next year, I can just feel it, I'm right on the edge and about to take a giant leap. And gosh darn-it, for once, I am going to jump with open arms and take it all in. The good, the bad, the excitement, the struggles, the triumphs...

Hello my big messy life. I love you and I'm so glad I get to have this experience!

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Living from a place of gratitude

As my facebook statuses may have indicated already, I've been trying to live from a place of gratitude these last few weeks. Just that subtle shift from being frustrated with what's wrong to being grateful for what I do have has been huge. I've always understood that the not so great things will always be there so worrying about them is futile, but living in it this week has seemed so much more amazing than ever before.

Every day I'm seeing tons of reasons to be happy. My prime examples:

This morning, I forgot we start later on the weekends so accidentally showed up almost an hour early for work. Instead of moaning about my missed hour of sleep, I went out and sat on the grass, over looking the water. I finally tried out one of those free meditations that I downloaded weeks ago and got a chance to enjoy the view. It made my day go all that smoother.

A couple days ago, I was biking up Shelbourne, feeling all happy with myself thinking I was going fast when another biker sped past me making me look like I was going at a snail's pace. I admit my first reaction was to snarl and make an off hand comment about her having a proper commuter bike, but I stopped myself almost immediately. Instead, I remembered two summers ago trying to bike from the Root Cellar back home was so painful we had to stop/walk our bikes every hill, no matter how little, and I was near tears by the end. And now I can ride my bike the 10km to work, clean rooms for 8 hours, and then bike home and still be smiling by the time I am finished! Not to mention that just a week or so ago I did that same route that almost broke me two years ago, and I didn't have to stop once. I powered through those hills out of sheer determination!

I've had guests at the hotel that anger me.. who leave their garbage everywhere and expect us housekeepers to be their personal maids during their stay. They really got to me when I first started working there, and it made it tough for me to enjoy the things I did like about my job. Now I am so thankful every time I meet a nice guest, or go into a room where the guests are clean. Every time I see that a guest has attempted to make the bed already it makes me smile, and feel very grateful that they want to do something to make my job a little bit easier. Once I started looking out for those nice guests, those not so great ones just faded away.

I've been really missing my cat, Tilly, lately. It was more painful than I realized it would be to let her go. But when I start to feel that sadness take over me, I am reminded of how grateful I am for the amazing family I found for her. Where I know she's loved and spoiled absolutely rotten. Given that the only time I've spent at home these last two weeks has been to sleep, I know she wouldn't get the attention she needs. Also, I'm SO grateful that the Delta hotel lets our head of HR bring her dog to work every day. I've been stopping by almost daily for a quick pet.

The other thing that I'm SUPER grateful for is that I feel like all my hard work with weight loss is going to pay off this next week! I've wanted to do Wild Play, a super fun looking rope obstacle course, for as long as I could remember. However, they had a size limit because their harnesses only go up to a certain size. This is the first summer I'm able to fit into them so to celebrate I'm going there for my birthday on Saturday! I am beyond excited for the entire day and love that I get to do it with some very dear friends!

A lot of exciting things have been happening in my life since I calmed down and started to truly appreciate what I have. I can't wait until I can share them with you! Hopefully by the end of the week :)

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What makes you happy?

This morning I crashed a workout with BDHQ's Biggest Winner bootcamp and it was amazing. Although quite a few people weren't there, it felt great to be working out alongside friends again! And what a brutal workout too! The thing I loved about being in BWs... you never knew what they were going to throw at you. You just showed up and knew that you'd be sweating a lot.

The other thing I love about Sunday BW workouts is the weekly check ins. Today topic: What makes you happy? Michele asked us to come up with a list and here was mine:

-sunshine
-swimming in the middle of a lake
-sitting at the beach looking out at the water
-hiking
-laughing with friends
-seeing my family
-playing card or board games
-drinking tea
-being physically capable of doing the things I want to do
-working out
-reading
-the feeling I get after eating a green smoothie
-having a clean kitchen/room
-blogging/writing
-learning about nutrition
-having all of my meals planned for the week
-trips to the root cellar
-hugs
-falling in love with a new TV show
-hearing a live band, especially jazz

The best thing about this list, they're pretty much all free and the only thing that stops me from doing them is me overbooking myself. So this week I am committed to doing the things that make me happy.

My kitchen is clean, my laundry is done, my meals and workouts are planned, and I've made plans to see my friends this week. Looking forward to a week full of HAPPY! :)

The other thing that makes me happy - accomplishing a goal! Like graduating university, that's a pretty big one! Here are some pictures from my grad..

Me and my proud parents!

The women who helped shape who I am today! <3 my role models 

Nothing in this world compares with love from grandparents 

Besties <3 We've seen each other through some pretty intense challenges these last three years. I wouldn't have graduated without this girl!

Oh man, so much love for this picture!

It's been a privilege to learn along side these ladies!

Roomie love!

It all started with cookie dough study sessions for Math 161! <3 <3 <3 I'll never forget our late night chats/rants, you braving the various meals I attempted to create, practicum prep on the grass and our many, many TV show marathons!

More roomie love! 

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The dish that made me like tofu

A year ago if you tried to make me eat tofu I'd either laugh in your face or roll my eyes. The only person that I've ever ate tofu for was Karen. And that was because I was so happy to have her and Ben come visit/help me move/make me dinner I felt it would be rude to admit how much I hated tofu.  (Side apology: Karen/Ben, I'm sorry I didn't like your food two years ago and didn't tell you. I bet you if I ate it now I'd love it!)

Then one day while grocery shopping with Karin a few months back, we decided to be brave for some reason. We looked up tofu recipes on allrecipes.com, found one that sounded not horrible and bought the supplies. And my palate has been forever changed.

Tofu + Onions + Mangos + Cilantro + Spices =

Throw it together over a salad and it's AMAZING!

The reason I will now eat plain baked tofu is because of delicious Mango Tofu Tacos. There are multiple ways to enjoy this dish, these are the ways we've tried:

1) In a wrap with a green salad on the side with tortilla chips and guac as an appetizer

2) In hard tortilla shells, with homemade salsa, and guacamole

3) Over spinach as a salad with homemade salsa, homemade guacamole, baked tortilla shells crunched on the top and a bit of sour cream (as pictured above, except ours is sans the guacamole and more sour cream than usual because it was extremely spicy last night) This tends to be my favourite because you can load up on veggies.

4) Leftovers straight from the container, with a spoon :)

5) Not tested yet, but we want to try this with fish instead of tofu.

It is super easy to make and everyone we've made it for absolutely loves it. If you do decide to try it for yourself.. here is the recipe and here are a few tips:

1) It's easier to buy and cut canned mangos that cut fresh ones. Make sure the ones you buy are canned in water, not juice.

2) If you're using homemade taco seasonings (like we did with last night's dish) add a little at a time and then taste it as you go. It was WAY too spicy for me yesterday, although perfect for Karin, so just spice to taste. We got our homemade taco seasoning recipe here.

3) Firm tofu is best. We started off using the medium, but we found it does get a little more mushy.

4) Do not make if you plan to have Emily Gage over the next day. The mango juices get everywhere and we don't want Emily dead any time soon! :)

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Coming Alive

I had every reason to be excited about today and sure enough it's been another great day! My hours got cut at work again, but instead of letting that fill me with the usual anger and anxiety, I simply went on with my day. I went to the gym to sweat out my anger, I started looking into other resources for income, and I jump started this whole career exploring mindset again.

Sweating it out was "fun" this morning. I haven't done bootcamp in two months and what did I chose to be my first class back? Killer Drills and Skills with Alex. KDS being the class that killed me even when I was doing bootcamp five times a week. Where was my head at?

First off) Ow!2nd) If it was possible to sweat off weight, I'm sure I'd be 10 pounds thinner after that workout.3rd) I hope I can move tomorrow.And 4th) Man it's good to be back! I missed this feeling!

I felt so invigorated after that workout that I went to Ingredients, a local raw/vegan/gluten free restaurant, for breakfast. I wanted to fill my body with good foods since I'd just put it through hell! While there I discovered they had a workshop on at noon with this guy coming to talk about super foods.

Since my shift was cancelled at work, it meant I could attend. I LOVED it, every minute. He talked faster than Rory and Lorelai on Gilmore Girls and some of the scientific language was way over my head but I just sat there, soaking it all in. I'm really starting to accept and relish in my passion for nutrition. I used to feel slightly guilty about it, feeling like I'm already so in debt for my B.Ed that I need to do something with it and use it somehow. I didn't (and don't) want to write off teaching entirely. But the thing is, I come alive when I start talking about food. I know the difference in my body when I'm feeding it the foods it needs, and I love sharing that information. The fact that we as humans have the ability to heal our bodies with our minds and the foods that we eat fascinates me. It's like these past few years, I was being introduced to this new way of living and I've been going into the water slowly but surely.

The more I discover about it, the more information I crave. I know flaxseed and omega 3s are good to have in your diet, pretty much everyone knows that. But finding out exactly what it does for your body makes it really hard to deny eating it. Yes, it costs more in the short run, but what's the cost of health? Of vitality? Of fulfillment?

When you have a healthy mind, a healthy body, healthy relationships... You're an unstoppable force. Imagine being able to be the person that supports others in doing that... Helping people come alive in their own lives so that they can fulfill on their own passions. Believe in yourself. Believe in others. Believe in the world. It gives me the shivers just thinking about it! I have no idea what my career will look like or what my life will look like as I dive further into this. But I'm ready to jump into the ocean now. I will do whatever it takes to keep this feeling of aliveness with me. Because I know it won't be easy. I can sense fear and doubt lurking around the corner, ready to strike when they'd be most effective. I'm stepping up to the plate saying "I'm here to find out my passion in life and inspire others find theirs." That's not a small statement from me and it will require a lot of work. And comes with even less job and financial security than an elementary teacher! But I am committed to having a life full of love, happiness, and inspiration. And I am doing that by being and doing all of those things now. This is how I felt at the end of last summer. I don't know how I lost it along the way, but I just want to run outside shouting "I'm back!!" Gosh it feels good to feel excited about life again! And it all comes down to food for me. It really is a gateway for me to how I view my life at any particular time. I'm stoked to see where this particular roller coaster will take me to next! 

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