Vulnerability Hangover

Honesty. I've been thinking a lot about what that means for me in terms of this blog lately. I haven't posted much this past month because of many reasons. November is almost always a hated month by students, but my reasons were more personal this year. Truthfully, I haven't been writing because I am dealing with issues such as shame, vulnerability, perfectionism and all that fun stuff. Basically my life is just really messy and I don't like admitting it. It was so much easier to write in the summer when I was feeling great and happy and loving life. Not that I don't love life right now. I am still SO glad I am where I am. That I'm owning these feelings and these struggles rather than still pretending I'm happy, because it's what is allowing me to change. By being more aware I can move towards acceptance and healing. And not only that, but I'm so thankful that I have the privilege and opportunity to go through this. I've met the most amazing people that have inspired me to change, to be more aware of what I have and to find joy in the little things. But even though I love life, it does not mean I enjoy this process all the time. The reason I am posting about this is because it is my way of being authentic. Not just with those of you who read this blog, but also with myself. So that is my long winded introduction to what I wrote many hours ago but have been afraid to press publish:

Forewarning, I'll probably be quoting Brene Brown a lot in this post. And if the last few weeks have been any indication, she's going to be a pretty big role model for this next chapter in my life. But yes, a quote:
          
        "Definition of courage: Tell your story with all your heart."

I did that yesterday. In a room full of 30 of my peers. I shared things with them that I've only just starting talking to my friends and family about. About weight loss. And body image. Fat fear. Fat stigma. Fat acceptance. And it scared the crap out of me. Before yesterday I've never really shared my thoughts and opinions about these things out loud before. Only on the safety of the internet. 

From someone who spent much of my life keeping things on the inside, it was scary to just lay myself out. Talk about the things that I hold closest to my heart. I fully understand what Brene Brown meant in her shame video when she said after her first TED talk she had the biggest vulnerability hangover ever. I suppose I'm glad I did it. Even if just one other person in the class got something from it, or if it makes them think twice next time they see an obese person or student, that's all I can ask for. Looking back it's easy to think "oh I should have done this" or "I should have done that." But I'm trying really hard to come to terms with it. It is just hard because everything is new, uncertain, and well, vulnerable! I don't often share such deep things with other people. It's even rarer that I will reach out when I'm crying and ask for help. But I did that multiple times yesterday. And after each time I was so glad I did. It didn't erase the pain or the fear, but just sharing with someone else, and opening up.. that meant something. 

I'm reading Brene Brown's book called "The Gifts of Imperfection: Letting Go Of Who You Think You Are Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are." If there was one book that could sum up my entire journey so far, this book would be it. And that book is the reason I did my presentation the way I did. Because my whole life I've been afraid to share who I am with people, afraid that if they saw the real me they wouldn't like me. Maybe I didn't consciously think that way, but it was definitely always lurking under the surface. I've been scared to share some of those thoughts and feelings on this blog, because I don't know how people will take it. It feels weird to be sharing such personal thoughts in a world that really, I don't know all that much about yet. I'm scared that people will hear what I have to say and think "what does she know? She's only 23." But the thing is I feel like everyone has these types of thoughts, not just us young folk. And to quote another inspiring role model, "Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." It was really reassuring yesterday knowing that I could speak my fears to my mom, my sister, my friends and they were all there for me. 

So yeah. That's where I'm at. That's me. Imperfect. And super, super excited to see where my journey will take me. To see myself continue to grow. To see me challenge more limitations that I unknowingly set on myself years ago.