Vulnerability, for realz

I wrote this post last night (well, this morning) and have thought about editing it but instead I'm choosing to post it entirely as is, because today was a fabulous day and I don't want that to influence what I wrote. Another post about today will come later.

You know what sucks? Figuring out the unhealthy ways you cope. Because once you see a pattern you can never unsee it. You can try to ignore it for as long as possible, but sooner or later you'll get tired of lying to yourself.

That's what happened to me tonight. I'm writing this from the warmth of my bed at 1am, when I should be fast asleep. But as I was just about to fall into a blissful sleep, my behavior lately flashed before me and all the pieces fell into place. It's been a long time coming and I don't know what I'm more annoyed by. The fact that it took me so long to see it or that now that I've seen it I have to do something about it. The cynic is me is saying I don't have to do something, and sometimes the best thing to do is not over think things. But that's just not my personality. And I'm not letting myself reason my way out of it this time.

I haven't been writing as much these past few weeks, and what I have been writing has felt like me grasping at straws. I felt like I'd come here, write some sort of motivational blurb about how I'd be getting my mojo back and then that feeling would last until the next time I had the opportunity to eat chocolate. Then I'd go back to kicking myself.

I've had to ask myself why? Why am I doing this all the sudden? I lost over 100 pounds and yes, the process wasn't easy.  I've been through a lot of ups and downs. But lately I could sense that this time was different. Looking back, I can see and honour that I'm dealing with thoughts, feelings, and issues that I've never before considered. So naturally when these came up, I went into default mode.

I stepped back from my friends and family.
I asked what was happening in others lives but found ways to avoid talking about mine in detail.
I told myself I was busy busy busy and didn't have time for anything.
I'd say that I needed to do something, but yet wouldn't make the time to do it.
I ate.
I ate in abundance.
I ate in abundance in secrecy.
And then tonight, the final piece of the puzzle, I spent over 2 hours watching random YouTube videos.

I don't know why but it was the hours on YouTube that made it click for me. I looked at the time when I closed my eyes and thought "why the heck am I wasting time on this again? I love my sleep."

Wham. Bingo. Crap. I'm in avoidance mode. I think it took me so long to clue in because there are noticeable differences. I was still exercising, I was still making mostly good food choices,  I was still talking with my roommates. I was telling myself I knew I had to deal with stuff but I think I rationalized myself into thinking knowing was the same as doing.

Because for all my talk of feeling "weird" lately I was doing very little to change it. I'd say that I wanted to go to counselling but then say I had no money or time. My favourite phrase lately has been "I'll do it December." But as much as I love school and think it is important, my life and health will always come first. I can't keep putting it off. I started reaching out a bit more this past week and no surprise that has made all the difference. I made the mistake of telling Kailey that I've been feeling disconnected with my friends and support system lately. Cue the long phone messages giving me grief for not calling her :P But after a long talk with her, a Kelly smack down last night and then a quick chat with Caroline tonight, I am feeling much stronger.

I am at a really interesting point in my life because I am striving to be this person who models healthy living, who feels balanced. I am trying to be a success story, as finished. But I'm not there yet. And worse, I am realizing I will never be there. I will never be perfect. Even if I have years of therapy there will always be something I struggle with.

This blog in some way magnifies that because I am literally showcasing my life to whoever is interested enough to click on it. I'm trying to be this healthy, whole person someone can look up to and end up feeling like a giant fraud. I am wanting to be vulnerable and honest, but I'm constantly thinking how much info is too much? What should I keep hidden? There are parts to my story that I have to either go all in or avoid altogether. The problem is I don't have all the answers. I don't know if it would be best to post it on here or not. I could never take it back. So what to do?

I've avoided writing lately. Which is hard because it's been my greatest outlet my whole life. When things got tough or frustrating, I'd write. A lot of people in weight loss transformations talk about how exercise is a way to cope with emotions. With me, it's writing. Exercise helps yes, but when it comes down to it I need to write. I haven't been lately. Not in here, not in my personal journal, not even in my inquiry journal. Part of me wants to defend myself and say I've been too busy with school, life and trying to be healthy. But when I really look at it, it's because I was in avoidance mode. And when I'm in that mode I can't think straight, I can't do anything but feel frustrated. Thanks to the wonderful people in my life (and yes to my own strengths as well), I can see the light at the end of this tunnel. For the first time in weeks I felt drawn to writing and the words have just tumbled out faster than I could proof read. I feel like this post is a bit all over the place but I don't want to change it because it's the truth. I'm a little all over the place right now. And that's ok. I'm never going to stop growing and changing. I'll be that person I want to be one day. And by the time I get there, I'll probably have even more changes I want to make. It's freeing to realize that. Because that means I can take things day by day and trust that everything will work out.

I'll end with this: Hi, my name is Susie and I'm a recovering perfectionist trying to learn patience and moderation.