Integrity

*Gulp* Hi.. I’m back. I’ve been writing this blog entry for almost a week now but haven’t been happy with it. Since I’m stuck at home today with strep throat, I thought I’d take the opportunity to finally finish what I started.

The past two weeks haven’t been my favourite. One morning I woke up with my eyes swollen so bad I could barely open them. I rushed off to a doctor in a nearby clinic, who said I was having an allergic reaction, most likely to my newly bought laundry detergent. For the next week, my mornings are met with incredibly puffy eyes that had me sending my mom pictures labeled “a face only a mother could love.” I kept feeling worse so I saw another doctor who diagnosed me with hay fever, gave me some nose spray and recommended an over the counter anti-histamine. After that still didn’t help, I saw a third doctor who figured it was still just an allergic reaction but took a swab of my throat since I said it was hurting pretty bad as well. Thank goodness he did, because it turns out I have strep throat, which could be the cause of all of my symptoms. Which means I’ve accidentally been exposing my loved ones to it for almost two weeks. Again, sorry! So on one hand, I’ve been feeling incredibly drained and grumpy.

BUT, on the other hand, the last week has been pretty inspirational at the same time. It’s almost like I needed to get to this place of feeling so gross, inside and out. It reminded me just how amazing I felt last summer when I was meeting new fitness goals every week, drinking 3L of water a day and eating clean. My skin was clear, my energy was usually through the roof and I was feeling pretty confident about life. I’ve been feeling a pull to get back to my healthier habits but never as strong as I’ve felt the last week. I am done with feeling so gross and unhappy.

I’ll admit, these past few months have not been my greatest health wise. My mood swings have been through the roof. Did anyone notice my severe lack of updates? That’s because I would only post when I was feeling happy. When I was down on myself or feeling guilty about how unhealthy I was being, I tended to go back to the “crazy busy” mode. Which for those who know me know it’s my favourite excuse to use.

I’ve made some really poor health decisions under the guise of practicum stress, being overwhelmed emotionally, and going through a lot of life changes. I’m sure I could find many people that sympathize with me, but I’ve shown myself what is possible when I’m determined to do something. I’ve lost over 100 pounds. By some miracle I think I’ve managed to stay within the same 10 pounds since school started back up in September (although I haven’t stepped on a scale since I the last session of BWs, so I’m not certain on that note anymore). But the bottom line is when I make a commitment to something and I want to keep it, I find a way to make it happen. Nothing stops me.

If there’s one main thing I’ve been learning in my weekly Landmark seminars it is how important it is to keep your word. And how in the past I have so many lovely excuses for why I don’t keep my promises or commitments. That especially rings true for myself right now. I’ve sought out help from professionals to help with some of my emotional issues, but now that I’m on the waiting list, it’s “ok to just go through the motions.”

No. No it’s not ok. I am in control of my own health. I dictate what my path will be. I am committed to putting my health first. That includes what I eat, why I eat, how I exercise, and the relationships I maintain. I think what I need to remember is I am not doing this for other people; I am doing this for myself. The problem with going public about my health goals and posting my blogs on facebook is that every time I felt that I deviated from my plan, I would feel like I was a bad role model. And worse, every time I admitted that on here and people would be super supportive and tell me about the road to success being full of ups and down, I’d take on this persona of feeling inferior. 

What I’m realizing now though, was that was just a handy story I was telling myself so that I could explain why I’d go buy a carton of Moose Tracks Ice Cream, dig in with only a spoon, and deal with the guilt afterwards. I’m saying I’ll never ever do that again, but what I’ve realized is I am now taking full responsibility for my actions. I have been choosing to eat unhealthy foods because it allows me to focus on food. It allows me to keep being someone who is knee deep in emotional issues, so I keep saying it’s all part of the process. Which yes, it is. We all have our ups and downs. But the difference for me right now is that I need to choose to get back up. I’m not saying I have all of the solutions, but I am committed to keeping my word.

My game plan is as follows:

1. Admit how inauthentic I have been on my blog (I think I’ve pretty much done that)
2.  Plan my food and stick with it. My roommates are 100% on board with me and two of us are going to be working together to stay healthy and give our bodies the best food possible.
3. Blog at least once a week. It keeps me honest, even when I don’t want to be.
4. Continue learning about what my bodies needs. I want to study digestion, and learn what foods our bodies need. I already know a lot, but I want to know more, and I want to be able to explain why to other people.
5.  Get back to exercising on a regular basis. It pains me to admit I haven’t done a real workout in almost a month now. My lack of funds meant I wasn’t able to continue with the Biggest Winner Program at my gym, which was a sad decision for me to make. I told myself that I’d get my exercise through cleaning 8 hours a day at work and biking 10 km to work and back. Well, I’ve been working for a month now but I haven’t biked once. I kept telling myself once I was used to cleaning for 8 hours (because let me tell you, it is exhausting), then I could bike. So my new deal.. if I bike to work then I don’t need to go running. But for every day that I take the bus, I need to go on a run. For now, and then I’ll reassess in a couple of weeks.

What I Learned Today: Did you know that any time you take antibiotics you should be taking a probiotic as well? I knew this but have never really done it before. I was more concerned with just getting rid of the sinus/ear/throat infection that was plaguing me. I spoke with a pharmacist about it yesterday when picking up my prescription and she said that some people could get by through just adding in more yogourt and fermented foods in their diets. However people who already have digestive issues, like me, would benefit tremendously by taking a probiotic pill. I’m also not quite willing to try fermented foods (kefir, sauerkraut and kimchi) yet. I will one day, but for now it still grosses me out. I'm way more invested in my digestion these days, so I picked up a pack of probiotic pills. My timeline is as follows: take my antibiotics, eat 30 minutes later, and then take my probiotic 2 hours later. Yay to fighting against Candida! (Which the more I read about, the more freaked out I feel).

And my parting thoughts.. I am speaking at an event tomorrow about my weight loss story. There could be up to 50 people there. Cue freakout much?! Here’s to hoping I make it through without freezing up.