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That goes hand in hand with looking at my weight as well. There's no point in getting mad at myself for how many "years I wasted being fat." There's a lot of things I am grateful for.
- understanding nutrition, knowing what I actually need to eat to be healthy. I have a lot of people telling me that they want to be healthy, but they just don't know what to eat. Many of those people have wonderful metabolisms and are at a very healthy weight (which let me tell you, can get very annoying to those of use who don't haha!). But I am thankful that I have learned all this at a very young age, and it will forever be a part of me.
- I've had to really get to know who I am, and what I'm passionate about. My weight was a visual indicator of the issues I wasn't dealing with. By trying to lose weight and be healthy, I've been forced to confront those issues and it's made me a much better person.
- I have an understanding of what people are going through. There's been a lot of talk about the obesity problem in North America, and it's something that I understand. I have been through all the stages, and I get how hard it is. So I can be a resource to someone else, and maybe help them live a healthier lifestyle.
The other thing I've been thinking about is how is how my weight loss has in some way, put me and my issues in a spot light. I had a really interesting class this morning. I won't go into too much detail but basically we were all put on the spot and had to talk about what we were going to study for the semester. For many of us, it was all very personal stuff. For a long time, I debated about whether or not I should talk about what was really bothering me.. how my weight loss has changed who I am and what I'm passionate about, and what that means for me in terms of education. It's one thing to write about it on this blog. I know some of my classmates read this so know what I've gone through this summer, but I'm still behind the safety of the computer. I don't have to look people in the eye and explain myself. On here, I can edit as much as I want before I press publish. On here, I don't have to see people's reactions. I realized something though. There was no use in pretending that I haven't changed. It's obvious. Over the course of the time that I've known these people, I've lost over 100 pounds. It's obvious that I had some pretty big issues that I wasn't facing and that I've had to deal with this past year. So I said that. I didn't go into nitty gritty details, but I've acknowledged that I've changed a lot as I worked through my issues. It was a big step for me because it put me in a very vulnerable position. I'll talk about my weight loss and my journey one on one, or in small groups no problem. But to a whole class of 30 people? Some of them who I don't even know very well? That was scary for me.
As soon as I had done it, it felt very freeing. Well, as soon as my knees stopped shaking I realized how good it felt. It was a step in the right direction for me. I've said numerous times how I'm used to keeping everything locked up inside me. I didn't talk about my issues, not even with my closet friends and family. But now I am. I'm not ashamed of it anymore. Everyone has issues. Everyone has their own baggage. What's the point in pretending overwise? By being vocal about it, I'm having conversations that make me realize I'm not alone. I'm actually *dealing* with my issues, and moving on. It's allowing me to have the life I want to have, rather than fretting about feeling like I'm doing things wrong.
There's so much going through my head right now and I want to write about it all. I want to go to all my classes, and read all the material, but not have to do the assignments. I just want to soak it all up and turn the thoughts over in my head, on here or in my journal. Maybe one day I'll have the luxury of doing just that. But for now, I have to show my teachers that I am in fact learning. Goodbye reflection time, hello unit planning!
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