Sweating it out

It's amazing to look at how my coping mechanisms have changed over the past year. Walking yesterday when I couldn't wrap my head around my assignments was perfect. It didn't take me long to figure out a few of the things that were bothering me most. Halfway through I felt the urge to write, so I sat down on the rocks overlooking the golf course and used the note pad on my phone. I wish I had brought my inquiry journal because it felt funny sitting there typing away on my phone, but writing seems to be my natural way of sorting emotions and it was all I had. I'll email it to myself and post it up here later.

Today was my first day back at BDHQ since the half marathon and it felt *wonderful.* I went in there telling myself I'd go only as hard as I could because I had done the half and was still recovering from my flu. And then I saw Michele was teaching spin... all thoughts of taking it easy went straight out the window. I spent the next hour sweating it out and pushing myself as hard as I could. Any time I wanted to give up or take it down a notch, I'd tell myself "if you can run a half marathon, you can sure as hell do this." The two highlights of the class were finally figuring out how to sprint standing up with no tension and for the first time spinning without a bounce for the whole time she told us to, every time. I can do it, it's just incredibly hard. Which I am guessing is the point. :)

It was exactly what I needed. I'm back at home now, finishing off my protein pancakes (hoping my stomach doesn't hate me later for it) and ready to go. I feel strong. No more whining for me. Too bad if I'm not feeling my assignments as much as I used to. They still have to get done and I need to respect my profs enough to put in my best effort.

So, next time I'm feeling off, I know step 1 needs to be get a good sweat up. Running, hiking, or an amazing class at BDHQ.. something that will make me feel strong and proud. These next three weeks are going to need to be my best - I will get all my assignments done, eat clean, exercise and with my left over time I'll do the meditation and "soul searching" that I want to do. And my reward at the end of this hard month? I'll get my $150 back from the challenge and get myself a cute pair of boots!

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Feeling a little lost

This has been a really strange week for me. On one hand I absolutely loved it because I met my BHAG (big, hairy, audacious goal) of running the half marathon and I've had a wonderful visit with Caroline.

See the smile.. nothing fake about it :)

On the other I am just feeling off. My routine has been thrown off by the long weekend and then getting sick with the stomach flu. I haven't had a good sweaty workout since running the half marathon nor have I had a day of my normal healthy food. I think both of those are contributing to my unease. Today is the first day where I finally feel like I have good energy again but now I'm trying to catch up on all the homework I delayed this week. I am feeling the pressure to get down the business.

The frustrating thing is the harder I try to force myself to work, the more lost I feel. I used to love putting together unit plans. Looking at all the ideas and activities, imagining it in my head, pouring over pinterest... I genuinely enjoyed doing the process. Now I try to do it and my brain refuses to co-operate. All I can do is think.. should I focus my lesson on this? Or what about this? What do I want to get across? What's most important? What really matters to the kids? What really matters to me? What do I *want* to teach?

And that's usually where I get side tracked and start thinking about my inquiry class. I love the class, I really do, but I'm finding it hard to get away from the reflexive and holistic thinking and just get down to business to concentrate on my homework. I realized on Wednesday that I am feeling this struggle between "who I used to be" and "who I am now." And it really bothers me because I want to dive into that topic, read, think about it, blog about it but I can't afford to do that right now. My school work is really important, and I actually like all of my classes and most of the assignments that I need to be working on. But what am I doing instead of unit planning? I'm signing up for meditation classes and blogging.

That's it, I need to clear my head and blogging for once seems to be making it worse not better. I'm going to walk around Cedar Hill golf course. Exercise + nature has never failed me before.

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Am I Worthy?

I'm scared to write this blog today. One of my profs assigned a Ted Talk with Brene Brown to watch for tomorrow's class. It has really hit home on some of the things that I am battling with most: vulnerability, worthiness, and shame. It's 20 minutes long, but absolutely incredible and definitely worth watching. 

This overlap between my professional development and my personal issues is starting to rattle me. It's as if I'm being forced to look at everything that scares me, whether I'm ready or not. I suppose not forced exactly, because I don't *have* to do anything I don't want to. But I strive to be as open minded as possible. And I really am loving this whole transformative inquiry process/class. In a way, it is the best source of validation for me. It validates everything I've been doing on this blog and through out my journey. It shows me that there are people out there who not only think about such things as well, but actually dedicate years of their lives learning about it. It was fascinating to hear someone "important" talk about the things I hold most dear.

Brene ended her Ted Talk with "I am enough." That's something I've always struggled with. In my first blog post on here I mentioned that by goal, I wanted to finally feel "good enough."

Over 65 people liked my picture on facebook of me finishing the half marathon. 26 left comments telling me I was amazing and inspirational. I have people telling me every day that I look great and happy and that I inspire them. So why don't I believe them? I mean, in some ways I do. There's no way so many people would be lying to me. But the old me is sitting on my shoulder saying.. why me? I'm not so special. I'm just over here, doing my thing. There are people out there who are doing incredible things.  Brianna has lost over 190 pounds and inspired I'm sure hundreds of people.. she inspired me to join BWs and start this blog. Chris has spent the better part of the year battling cancer and has done so with incredible strength, humour, and love. I can think of so many people out there that are better than me.

I think that's where my problem lies. The word "better." I wish the word didn't exist. No one person should be "better" than another. We are all here, we all contribute to this world. I am not better than any one person and no one is better than me. We are all on our own paths, our own journeys, and it is not my place to judge. It's not anyone's. What I'd like to believe in is inspiring people. I already do believe because my life is full of people who inspire me every day to be healthy, to smile, to enjoy life and be happy. One day I hope to say that I've kicked the habit of listing off all the people that I know that are "better than me." 

In the video, Brene mentions asking yourself.. am I worthy of love, belonging and connection? I know without a doubt that I am. But I didn't always. There were times where I didn't believe I was worthy of anything. There was a time in high school when I seriously considered hurting myself. I never did though, because of that last thing on the list.. connection. I had people in my life who loved me unconditionally and it saved me. Looking back now, it breaks my heart to see how sad I was because I was surrounded by people who wanted the best for me.. my family, my friends, my teachers. I'm not entirely sure how I got from there to where I am today, but I know it came through small, baby steps. It'd be a whole other blog post to talk about that. What I'd really like to get at is if anyone reading this feels like they are at a low, or feels like they are not good enough, or not worthy of love, belonging and connection... know that you are. You absolutely are. 

The last thing I want to mention is the subject of vulnerability. Brene talks about it a lot, and it had me thinking about what makes me feel vulnerable. This list seems so extensive:

• admitting that I'm wrong
• saying my faults out loud
• being in a situation that I've never been in before
• being in charge of a classroom
• talking to someone I look up to
• disciplining children/students
• thinking about what will happen after I graduate
• wearing tight fitted clothing
• flirting
• publicly announcing that I'm spending hours pouring over my own happiness and well being through these blog posts (sometimes it just feels selfish)
• blogging on here.. constantly wondering am I making sense? Is it too long? Does this even really matter? (Then I remember that I'm trying to stop caring what other people think and just keep typing until it's way past my bedtime/allotted break time)
• talking about this blog with people, face to face

She suggests that the happiest people seem to be those who embrace their vulnerability and believe what makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful. I could see that. My vulnerabilities are part of what makes me so unique. At the same time, it's also what ties me to other people because I can guarantee that there are many other people who have experienced the same fears and uncertainties. 

I don't really have anything super inspiring to end this post off with. I feel very raw right now and I'm not sure why. Physically, I'm feeling slightly beaten down between my poor post-half marathon sore muscles and this frustrating stomach flu which robbed me of my sleep last night. Emotionally... I'm still all over the map. But I'm happy with where I am at. 

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I will if you will

Was it really just two months ago that I declared I'd be running the half? It seems like forever ago Caroline and I promised "I will if you will." I am happy to say that we both DOMINATED!! We both killed our expected times of 3 hours. In my first post about the run I thought that I'd be running/walking "much behind" my sister and Care, but it turns out I wasn't that far off! Caroline did it in 2:24, Terri in 2:28 and I did it in 2:39. April and Joel killed it with 2:18, but I knew they'd be way ahead.

It was so fabulous being able to share the experience with some of the people that I love most.  I started the run side by side with my sister, ran with Caroline around Beacon Hill, heard April scream out my name around the turn around by Beacon Hill, and had friends and family cheering me on from the sidelines. So fabulous.

I'll admit, twice on the run I almost started crying. Not from pain though. From an overwhelming sense of pride and gratitude. 15 months ago I was 300 pounds. Yesterday I ran a half marathon. I've always wanted to be one of those fitness people. I love those success stories of people who used to be hugely obese and lost so much weight they were running marathons. I'd spend hours pouring over them, but never truly imagined I'd get there myself. It was always a kind of pipe dream. Not anymore. Now it's a part of me. A part I could never forget.

It was both overwhelming and amazing. There's no other way to put it. It also seems so surreal that it's over. I put a lot of time and effort into training and it all came together so well. I actually enjoyed myself on the run. Every step I ran felt amazing. The whole time I was smiling and loving it. Even towards the 17/18km marker, when I started feeling pretty tired, I kept going. By some miracle I even had enough energy left at the end to sprint to the finish. It was like as soon as I could see the "Finish" sign all the aches and pains went away. There was a big group of people in front of me and for some reason I decided my goal would be to finish before them. So I sprinted. And I passed them. I could hear the cheers around me, especially my mom's, and I felt incredible. As I leap over the finish line, I felt like I could do anything I wanted to. In the summer, 21km seemed impossible. All of us running and walking yesterday proved that it wasn't. All it takes is time, dedication and a great support system!

Caroline's parents managed to get the first post-race picture of me just after they put the medal over my head and I'm so curious to see what it looks like! Shortly after that, as I walked slowly towards the recovery tent full of food I heard Caroline call out my name. After the euphoric crossing of the finish line, that was probably the next best part of the whole run for me. Getting a huge hug from Care, even if we did have a fence between us! I was so, so proud of us. I am  also incredibly happy that I got to share my first half marathon with my sister. Texting back and forth about training, proper clothes, and general pre race jitters was fabulous. It feels great to be able to reconnect over health and fitness. There's another half marathon the day before her birthday in May... if we both keep up the training who knows what will happen? :)

Another huge milestone for me was my post run decisions. Thrifty's had an assortment of food ready for us... fruits, muffins, cookies, bagels. But I stuck with my big bottle of chocolate milk and some fruit. Partly I knew I had pumpkin pie waiting for me at home, but I honest to goodness had no desire for the cookies or muffin. I don't mean it as a gloat or anything, I am just so surprised at myself!

It seemed fitting that I did my first half marathon on Thanksgiving weekend as well. There's so much that I'm thankful for!

• My friends and family for supporting me on every leg of this journey. 
• Karin and Nicole, my awesome awesome roommates who put up with my whining and keep encouraging me. And to Karin who has been (and will continue to be!) an awesome running buddy. 
• BDHQ and the Biggest Winners program.. there's no way I'd be where I am physically without the incredible support and advice from all the trainers and fellow BWers!
• Brian (my sister's boyfriend) and his great tips. Waking up early enough to eat protein pancakes before yesterday's run made a huge difference I think. I didn't feel sick once on the run and had enough energy to keep going the whole time!
• My parents for coming over to Victoria to cheer us on in the run. Every time I'd see my mom's green sweater I'd smile. And grimace as well, since they always seemed to pop up during my walk breaks, so of course I'd have to run through them!
• My body.. I've put it through SO much in the last few years.. all the weight loss, and then gain, and now bootcamp and training for the run. It can't be easy on it. And yet it seems to love it. I'm in a little bit of pain today, but not overly so.

Did anyone notice me talking about my "first" race? Yeah... you could say I've got the bug now!! Karin and I have been talking about training together for the Vancouver half marathon in May. I can only imagine how much better I could be 7 months from me. Especially when I look back to where I was 7 months ago. I think my next goal will be to do it without stopping to walk so much. Maybe 10s and 1s instead of 4s and 1s? Or run the whole way except to drink water? I don't know everything that the future will bring, but I'm sure looking forward to it!!

And since I never want to forget this first race.. I took a lot of photos...

Picking up our race bags!

It won't let me flip this picture.. grr.. but my gu packs and running headphones all ready the night before.

6:25 am and I'm ready to run!

How gorgeous is Victoria? It makes 7am more bearable.

Before the race!

At the starting line.. it's pretty busy!

So cute.. Joel surprising April.. he'd been secretly training for months to run with her!

Caroline and I running together in Beacon Hill

Caroline running ahead. She'd be ahead of me while I walked.. then I'd run past her on my run.. for a few km, and then I slowed down haha!

Post race!! <3 

Two sweaty sisters.. so proud of us!

With Brooklyn, our cheering captain :)

Love this one of the 4 of us!

When I first looked at this photo, I was shocked. It looked like I fit in. I don't stand out in pictures anymore. I'm just another person, happy to be there. Best feeling in the world. I also started looking for other pictures of the three of us to compare. There were some awesome ones out there, but almost non with just us three, we always had Robyn, Emily, Trevor or someone else in. The one photo I did find had me snorting with laughter for a good minute. If you're friends with me on facebook, you should be able to see it here.  

Post race "glow" according to everyone on facebook. Me, I think it's just the sweat. But I was pretty happy :)

There's also a video of the finish line available online. I was able to see Caroline, Terri and I, but I couldn't find April and Joel, sorry! To see our finish, fast forward to around these times:

Caroline: 3:36
Terri: 3:41
Me: 3:51

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The (sort of) end of an era

Yesterday marked my last scheduled shift at Curves. It was a big decision for me to leave, in more ways than one. Financially, it means that I am going to have be very disciplined with myself and that I won't have the money to go travelling right away after I graduate. I've been so overwhelmed with everything going on in this last month though, that I know this is the best decision. I was able to keep up exercising, eating healthy, school, work, and social life (mostly) in September, but the cost was my sleep and my me time. As school assignments start piling up, it's only going to get harder to keep up my pace. Being healthy isn't an option for me anymore, and neither is school.. so unfortunately this meant work had to go. I will miss the staff and members at Curves tremendously, they have been a great support to me. It's only "sort of" because I'll still be sticking around - showing up to some of the events, working out there when I can, and probably picking up a few shifts in December. It sure felt like the end yesterday though. A few of my favourite members (whoever said you can't pick favourites is an over achiever) stopped in to say goodbye to me and it was so heart warming! One of the women who I coached with Curves Complete brought in a folder full of some of my favourite quotes, all fancied up with neat fonts... we both share a love of quotes so I was incredibly touched. Marie, my wonderfully creative coworker, also made a frame for me and put out a card for all the members to sign. It made me feel very loved. I'm so fortunate to have the opportunities that I've had.

It feels like the end of an era because Curves has been my safe haven along this journey. Joining BDHQ in the summer was another step towards lifelong health and fitness, and I feel like things are changing for me. I don't feel like the fat girl trying to lose weight anymore. I'm just a "normal" person, who recognizes how crucial exercise and nutrition are for a happy, healthy life.

As time goes on and I learn more about health and fitness, the more I think that there's no way I could go back to how I was. Will I always put the same amount of time and energy into healthy living as I do now? Maybe not, but it will always be a part of my life. There's no turning back for me.

Good bye to my days of 3,000+ calories meals all the time.
Good bye to sitting on the couch all night watching TV.
Good bye to all the excuses of why I don't have time for exercise.
Good bye to all the excuses of why I don't have time for myself.
Good bye to the people who didn't think I could do this (including myself).
Good bye to feeling unhappy all the time.
Good bye to the fake smiles I'd give the camera, knowing I'd hate the picture.
Good bye to taking pictures with my friends and feeling like I'm ruining the picture.

My favourite pair of sisters! <3 (Who will hit me for once thinking I "ruined" a picture)

Hello to my muscles burning as I push the limits of my physical abilities.
Hello to the blissful post workout endorphins.
Hello to nutritious and delicious meals that I enjoy - both while eating and after!
Hello to feeling proud of myself and my body, regardless of the number on the scale.
Hello to all my new friends that have inspired me throughout this journey.
Hello to the endless support from my friends and family as we become happier and healthier together.
Hello to looking forward to all the challenges and pleasure life will bring.
Hello to looking at pictures of me and smiling from ear to ear!!

Kelly and I.. man we look good!

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10 Pound Challenge

I don't remember if I've mentioned it on here yet, but I joined a 10 pound challenge at BDHQ last month. Put $200 cash in the pot and if you don't lose your 10 lbs then you lose your money. If you do lose 5 lbs the first month, you get $50 back. If you lose it all,  you get the rest, plus whatever is left in there from other people not making it.

It's been a bigger motivator for me than I thought I'd need! My poor roommates have been hearing me complain about how much I want peanut butter and chocolate all the time. I do not promote depriving yourself at all, but I am being more strict than usual with myself so that I get this money back. 

I weighed in this morning before spin class... I did it this month! It was pretty rocky for a while, but I managed to shed my 5lbs this month so I'm getting $50! I'll get the rest of my money in no time. :)

I'm really starting to notice changes in my body as the numbers are getting lower and lower. I'm super close to the 180s now, which seems crazy low for me! I've sort of been aiming for 160 as my goal, with a reevaluation once I was there. That's less than 22 lbs away now. Wow. I could be there by the end of think next BW session if I work hard enough. It's not so impossible for me to think that I could be that low anymore either. I'm just going to keep doing my best and see where life takes me!

What a lovely visual hey? No wonder my new pants are fitting better already!

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Inspiring Classes

I love being in university. My thoughts and beliefs are constantly being challenged and I'm starting to look at things in a new light. There are times when I get very frustrated with myself that I took so long figuring out what I wanted to study, and "wasting" student loan money while doing it. 6 years to get one degree feels like forever. Looking back now, however, I wouldn't change any of it. Because it brought me to who I am today.

That goes hand in hand with looking at my weight as well. There's no point in getting mad at myself for how many "years I wasted being fat." There's a lot of things I am grateful for.

- understanding nutrition, knowing what I actually need to eat to be healthy. I have a lot of people telling me that they want to be healthy, but they just don't know what to eat. Many of those people have wonderful metabolisms and are at a very healthy weight (which let me tell you, can get very annoying to those of use who don't haha!). But I am thankful that I have learned all this at a very young age, and it will forever be a part of me.

- I've had to really get to know who I am, and what I'm passionate about. My weight was a visual indicator of the issues I wasn't dealing with. By trying to lose weight and be healthy, I've been forced to confront those issues and it's made me a much better person.

- I have an understanding of what people are going through. There's been a lot of talk about the obesity problem in North America, and it's something that I understand. I have been through all the stages, and I get how hard it is. So I can be a resource to someone else, and maybe help them live a healthier lifestyle.

The other thing I've been thinking about is how is how my weight loss has in some way, put me and my issues in a spot light. I had a really interesting class this morning. I won't go into too much detail but basically we were all put on the spot and had to talk about what we were going to study for the semester. For many of us, it was all very personal stuff. For a long time, I debated about whether or not I should talk about what was really bothering me.. how my weight loss has changed who I am and what I'm passionate about, and what that means for me in terms of education. It's one thing to write about it on this blog. I know some of my classmates read this so know what I've gone through this summer, but I'm still behind the safety of the computer. I don't have to look people in the eye and explain myself. On here, I can edit as much as I want before I press publish. On here, I don't have to see people's reactions. I realized something though. There was no use in pretending that I haven't changed. It's obvious. Over the course of the time that I've known these people, I've lost over 100 pounds. It's obvious that I had some pretty big issues that I wasn't facing and that I've had to deal with this past year. So I said that. I didn't go into nitty gritty details, but I've acknowledged that I've changed a lot as I worked through my issues. It was a big step for me because it put me in a very vulnerable position. I'll talk about my weight loss and my journey one on one, or in small groups no problem. But to a whole class of 30 people? Some of them who I don't even know very well? That was scary for me.

As soon as I had done it, it felt very freeing. Well, as soon as my knees stopped shaking I realized how good it felt. It was a step in the right direction for me. I've said numerous times how I'm used to keeping everything locked up inside me. I didn't talk about my issues, not even with my closet friends and family. But now I am. I'm not ashamed of it anymore. Everyone has issues. Everyone has their own baggage. What's the point in pretending overwise? By being vocal about it, I'm having conversations that make me realize I'm not alone. I'm actually *dealing* with my issues, and moving on. It's allowing me to have the life I want to have, rather than fretting about feeling like I'm doing things wrong.

There's so much going through my head right now and I want to write about it all. I want to go to all my classes, and read all the material, but not have to do the assignments. I just want to soak it all up and turn the thoughts over in my head, on here or in my journal. Maybe one day I'll have the luxury of doing just that. But for now, I have to show my teachers that I am in fact learning. Goodbye reflection time, hello unit planning!

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