The Games We Play

Life is a series of games. Some of them we choose intentionally, some subconsciously, some life throws at us and we have to learn how to play - QUICK.  I've been looking at this recently.

I realized that I've been relating to everything as something I needed to win. School, career, family, weight loss... it was if I couldn't let myself enjoy the journey unless I knew I'd be getting a gold star at the end. And when I put things out that I didn't know how to win (like my Impossible List), I'd freak out and conveniently "forget" about it. I've been doing some work to shift that way of thinking lately and it's made the last few months make a lot more sense.

Looking back, I realize now that my game for the last two months has been what is the absolutely minimal actions I need to take so that no one notices I'm drowning and will leave me alone. It worked. For maybe three weeks tops. Then people saw and have been loving the heck out of me as I get back on my two feet again.

It was so obvious when I saw it. When I don't create big games that excite me, my default is to hide and blame. "Go away world, I'm sulking here." Good thing to note! Slowly and surely each step I've been taking these last few weeks has me waking up to the world around me. Now I look around and I have so much going on that I realized I needed to get clear about what I was up to. Insert.. the Wisdom Course!

May 29th marked the first day of my 8 month program. Earlier this week I created what I wanted to get out of the course with my Accomplishment Coach. I'm a little scared of sharing the goals... my identity hates when it thinks people will notice I fail. But here they are anyway! If you want to join me in any of these, get in touch! Let's support one another.

My declaration: By the end of the program, I've designed the life I've never even imagined I could have.


Health
My relationship to my body will be one of love and empowerment. I will nourish myself: mind, body and soul.

Love
Fall in love with a man who lights up my soul and makes me laugh. Have fun together - in and out of the bedroom!

Career
Immediate game: get a job. Make amazing workshops with Jane from TRE Vancouver. Be part of Empower Health growing and expanding.

Long term game: My career takes off! Make the choice - do I go back to school to become a naturopathic doctor? I've begun to map out my niche in the holistic health field and have clarity around my next steps.

Family
Laugh with my family. Stand by my sister as she marries the love of her life. Spend quality time with my sister, parents, aunts, grandparents, cousins... hear their stories and share my own. True connection.

Finances
My cash flow is overfilling. I have a solid plan for getting out of debt and paying my student loans. I make budgets and STICK to it.


What game do you want to be playing? What could you create for yourself that would be worth your time? We're all in a made up games anyway. May as as well have fun while we're in it!

Read Full Story...

News flash: I'm fat again

I wrote this post about 4 months ago, and was too afraid to push publish then. Now I think it's beautiful and from the heart... exactly what I want to put out in the world.

I’m fat again.

That’s my number one thought when I look into the mirror these days.

Worse than that, I’m fat again after my very public weight loss journey. I spent 2 years blogging about my new and forever healthy life style on this very blog.

There’s so many thoughts swirling around my mind right now…

How did this happen?
Why did I let this happen?

I’m a fraud.

People are judging me.

My family is concerned.

I’m back to looking at the ground when I walk because I don’t want to see the disgust in people’s faces.

How am I going to do this all over again?

Will I ever be able to keep this weight off?

I wish sugar was a banned substance (that’s a whole other post itself)

Thankfully I don’t always listen to those thoughts anymore. When I'm feeling a little more sane, I go to this:  Ok, what did I avoid learning last time that had me gaining weight again? What do I need to learn from this?

Oh. Bingo. The truth of the matter... I hated myself thin. My blogs were mostly cheery and upbeat and often didn’t portray what I was really saying to myself. Even at my lowest weight when I looked into the mirror all I saw were my flaws. And I lost weight because I wanted to be loved. Because how on earth could I find love at 300 pounds? Of course other fat girls could, because they are beautiful people. But me? Nope, not in my cards.

“I’m your worst fear.” My worst fear two years ago was regaining all the weight I had lost. Well, I’ve regained it, and I’m still here. I’m alive. Not only that, but even just writing that makes me a little sick to my stomach. That was my worst fear? Talk about first world problems.

So fucking tired of this same old story. No thoughtful insights this time. No shiny new action plan. No cheery - I can do it, I'm strong pom pom dance. Just me. Going through the eye of the fucking needle. Can I just be on the other side now please?

Read Full Story...

Game Changer

Yesterday I was asked this poignant question: what would my life look like if it’s NOT about losing weight? 

I was speechless. My life has to be about losing weight. Why? Well, because I'm fat. Because I have to get skinny. Why? Because I have to get healthy. Aren't you passionate about Health at Every Size? Yes, ok, other people can preach body love and fat acceptance and I will always cheer them on, but I have to lose weight. Why? Umm, umm, umm, well, because I want to be a naturopath. OK, so why do you have to lose weight? Because no one will go see a fat naturopath. Says who? Oh. Says me. The truth - it's the only way of life I know.

The last 10 years of my life can be summed up in two categories: losing weight or failing at losing weight.

Along the way I’ve managed to conquer countless fears, earn a degree, make a lasting impact on dozens of people’s lives, but it all seems to boil down to one fact. I gained the weight back. Again.  Therefore, I failed.

But wait… what if it wasn’t that? What if it didn’t need to be that?

What if I chose to not be a player in the multi-billion industry that has a 95% failure rate. 

What if I could just change my context entirely? What if my life was about doing what I love, being with people I love, and making a difference in the world?

Game changer.

My monkey mind is telling me I’ve tried to do this before. And I have. I've had some success with it too. Fairly short termed.. I'd have maybe one whole day of not thinking about my food choices. And then the next day I'd beat myself up twice as hard. I also did most of it alone. I’d let people in, and let people help me… but only as far as I comfortable letting them in. And if it got too intense I’d pull away. 

I could fight that voice and try to prove it wrong. I could listen to that voice and raise my hands in defeat. Or... I could smile. I could say thank you. I can say: I honour you. Thank you for keeping me safe so far. 

Now I’ve got something even bigger on my side. Not only do I have a community of people who will stand by my side as I fumble my way through this new way of thinking, I'm actually aware of it. I know who they are and man, do I ever love my army of dreamers.

What if I just really don’t have a clue how to do it at all? What if I could stop pretending that I know what I am doing? What if I could just embrace the crazy wonderfulness of my life?

So this is me. Learning what it looks like to live a life that’s NOT about losing weight. 

I'll leave you with this gem:

This is the theme song of my life. It's been playing on repeat ALLLLL week.

Read Full Story...

Weigh ins, breakdowns, and breakthroughs!

Last week reality came crashing down on me. In two years, I have regained 100 pounds. I knew my clothes weren't fitting and I didn't recognize my body (again) but seeing the number was like a punch to the gut.

Thankfully I was with my new naturopath at the time, and she was so wonderful. I left her office feeling confident and excited for this part of my journey with her as my support. And yet what followed was a week full of old habits - quickly eaten baked goods, chocolate bars hidden in my purse and a couple of sleepless nights. It wasn't until Thursday when it hit me... I had done it again. Rationalized myself out of my feelings without actually feeling them. This JK Rowling quote does a good job of summing up my Thursday night.

And feel it I did. Waves of guilt and shame and fear rolled over me so strongly it took my breath away. The urge to reach for food was strong and swift. What kept me from reaching for it wasn't will power, it the was the comfort in knowing that even though all this, the Universe was taking care of me and this was right where I needed to be.

My roommate Meredith came home just as I was starting to calm down and helped me get to the bottom of it all. Her most poignant question: "Can you forgive yourself?"

Oh boy. Accept where I'm at, sure, it will take something, but I've added enough tools to my toolkit these past few years that I could do that. But forgive myself? When she asked, I got so choked up no words came out. What is it about forgiveness?

That question had me looking at all of the negative self talk that came with my weight gain. I was a bad example to others, that I'm a terrible Staff Member, I'll never have the health I want, my friends and family will judge me and I'll come up short, I'll never find love and I'll definitely never have a career in empowering people with their health.

Finally feeling these feelings felt horrible. It took me to the dark place that I don't like going. The reward...Coming out on the other side was a breath of fresh air. A renewed sense of purpose. An ability to reach out to those around me and ask for the support I need. Digging through the weeds of the crap I had made up reminded me that none of it was the truth. I didn't need those thoughts in my head, I could acknowledge they were there and then kiss them goodbye.

Here I am. 25 years old and 280 pounds. After more reflection this weekend, the thing I know for sure is I have not failed. I am not a failure. I am on my journey to discovering what health is for me, and this is a necessary part of that.

I know the mechanics of losing weight. I've shown many times that my determination and will power can bring me success. I've also shown that what I've done so far has not been maintainable. Something in my life happens that throws me off balance for a while and I gain all the weight back. So instead of going straight back to what I already know, I'm coming from a place of curiosity.

What is my body trying to tell me?
What is the science behind weight gain and obesity?
What happens when I come from a place of authentically loving myself?
Who can I lean on and go to for support?
How will accepting that support bring me closer to my goals?
What does it mean to take care of myself first?

Now, at 10:30pm on Sunday, November 23rd.. these words come easily and authentically.

I forgive myself. For regaining weight. For not taking care of myself. For stepping over what matters to me time and time again. For hiding out. For holding back. For avoiding my friends and family. For letting fear stop me. I forgive myself. And now I get to discover what it looks like to love myself in the face of all of this. Better hold on, it's a bumpy and exciting ride!

Namaste folks, it's bedtime.

Read Full Story...

Celebrating vs Judging

What I've discovered from my first month of my 100 Days of Love Challenge:

• My default has been to judge how far I still have to go, rather than to celebrate how far I've come. I've known that for a while, and now I am actively taking on challenging that conversation.
• Little steps add up to big changes when you take the time to look back.
• When I take on new responsibilities and bigger games in life, my old habits can come creeping back and compassion is the key when they do.
• People get weird when you start talking about learning to love yourself. I've had the mixed bag of reactions.. from eyebrows raised and people scoffing to nods of approval and interested questions. I'm learning to love the reactions.
• That every time I reach out for support, I'm reminded that I'm surrounded by people who love me for who I am, not for what I do or how much I can accomplish or what I weigh. Which of course I know, but that nasty voice inside my head forgets that sometimes. 
• On that note, I am NOT the little voice in my head. Which again, intellectually I know, and I have to remind myself of that often right now.

A few days ago I started to feel really guilty that I'd stopped taking daily pictures of my acts of love. And started doubting that I'd really taken this challenge seriously. Then I looked back at all that I've accomplished since I started.

I take my iron supplements every morning.

I now bike to and from work almost every day.

I make green smoothies for breakfast or lunch.

I eat out maybe 1-2 times a week, tops.

I'm up at 7:30am every morning, call Caroline at 7:35am and do yoga at 7:40am.

Every time I look in the mirror, I take a moment to be grateful for my day and acknowledge something I've accomplished already.

The crazy thing... I didn't set out with those goals. I set out with the goal of learning to love myself, and this is what has grown from that, completely organically. 

31 days in, 59 to go. I can't wait to see what comes next.

Read Full Story...

100 Days of Love

Reading back at some of my earlier blog entries, I have this sensation of coming full circle. Although I wasn't always aware and able to articulate it, this blog has been about the same thing all along. My journey to loving myself, for everything I am and everything I'm not.

I started a new project a few days ago, called "100 Days of Love." For the next 100 days, I've committed to having a date with myself in the mirror first thing every morning. I look myself in the eye and say "I love you." Try it some time, it's harder than it sounds. After that somewhat emotional start, I continue with my day looking for ways that I can show love and compassion to myself. So far I've also taken a picture of one intentional act each day and posted it to Facebook.

Gotta say, I'm LOVING this. It's an interesting challenge to face the realities of what the little voice inside me says. On one hand I know that voice isn't me and it's all lies. On the other, I'm really curious to start examining those beliefs and seeing the impact of rewiring my brain to have positive thoughts. It's something I've been examining all year with my work at Landmark, but now I'm taking it another step further, with the sole lens of self love and acceptance.

Why you ask? There's a number of reasons. Starting this new job for one. I love what I get to do, and it can be harder to remember that on those days when I'm beating myself up and putting myself down. Unfortunately, that accounts for a good chunk of my first two months. Even though it feels like I'm still swimming as hard as I can against a strong current, thankfully my head is above the water. That is thanks in no small part to the unrelenting support of my family, friends, my Landmark family and especially my coworkers.

What's harder for me to face and admit publicly (although it's obvious), I've put on quite a bit of the weight I lost. I haven't been on a scale in a while, but the last time I did, I was back over 200 pounds. Which has been really frustrating for me. That was, until I realized all I had to do was accept it. To chose my body as it is now. And to take responsibility for the fact that I haven't been doing what I know to do.

It's been all too easy to fall back into old habits of shrugging off workouts, staying up late to watch youtube videos and going for those 3pm coffee and cookie runs.

There's been an interesting battle going on in my head..

"It's ok to eat a cookie, if you restrict yourself it'll be worse.""Stop using that as an excuse, fat ass.""It won't help to say negative things about your body. You know that only makes you want to eat more. One won't hurt.""Fine. But as of tomorrow no more wheat. Or sugar." "Yeah right, that'll happen.""Not with that attitude.""Leave me alone.""Never.""Oh joy. Will this ever end?"

And all of that conversation happens in the time it takes me to pull up my Starbucks app and smile at the barista.

It's the familiar way I deal with things. Going internally. Shutting people out and not answering phone calls. Turning to ice cream and movies. Reality smacked me in the face, in the form of my small but mighty boss reflecting back what I already knew. I just didn't want to be responsible for my actions. It's as simple as that.

And hence.. new project! 100 Days of Love is a huge part of the structures I'm creating around my health. There's more to come, that I'm excited to see unfold. :)

Read Full Story...

Making the Impossible Possible

When things get going in my life, they really start to move. My first post-grad, full time permanent job and it's my dream job!  I am now a Staff Member at Landmark's Vancouver Center! I am beyond thrilled about it and still in a little bit of shock, even after a week and a half of working there. When I sat in my first introduction to Landmark last December, and subsequently completing my Landmark Forum just under a year ago, I never in a million years I thought I'd be where I am today. I knew right away that I loved the type of education and tools Landmark provides, but it's taken many many coaching calls for me to stop listening to my fears of "not good enough" long enough to apply to and accept a position on staff. I don't know what the future brings for me, but I know I'm the one who is calling the shots now, which is very exciting. And now my life will continue to be about making the impossible possible - both personally and professionally.

And on that theme, I'm finally unveiling the list I've been working on. A little while ago I stumbled across Impossible HQ and immediately fell in love with his "Impossible List." So naturally I created my own! You'll notice a new page along the right hand side. This is a compilation of many things that have always been floating around in my head, but I've been too scared to ever voice them before. Not anymore. The list isn't a bucket list of things that would be nice. Nearly everything on that list at some point in my life I've said it's impossible to do that.

This list is now a challenge for me. I'm living proof that with commitment, actions and support, anything is possible. I'll be crossing these items off as I complete them as well as updating as more things pop up. I could do all of these things in my lifetime, I could do only one, or any number in between. One thing is for sure though, I'm through with listening to the voice in my head that tells me I'm not capable of any of them.

And in challenging myself, I nominate all of you. What do you think is impossible? What's niggling around in the back of your mind that you don't want to say out loud, in fear of sounding bad or your brain immediately tells you it's not possible. It could be big or small. But why not try on that it is possible, and see what actions it'd take you get you there.

Check out my list by clicking here!

Read Full Story...