Living, Laughing, Loving

Oh wow, there is so much to update people on and lots to write about, I don’t know where to start. These last three weekends have been filled with fun and excitement...impromptu trip to Comox, lazy days at the park with my little cousins, breakfast and babysitting at the Empress, dinner and dancing with an awesome live band, amazing life changing workshops. I could almost forget that in between my weekends was a whole lot of work, teaching, and learning!

Practicum

Today marked the last day of my final practicum and the completion of my undergrad degree. After six long years I have my B.Ed! It really is surreal. I remember first year of university like it was yesterday, and yet I can hardly believe how much has changed since then.

It also seems like yesterday that I was stressing about my final practicum and worrying about what would happen when I was done. Looking back now, the time really did fly by. These past 10 weeks have had a lot of ups and downs but ultimately have been a great learning experience.

I am SO thankful that I was placed at my school. Oaklands has a great staff, they were so welcoming and supportive from the start; I felt like I fit right in. One of my favourite parts of the day was wondering into classes after the kids went home. I spent quite a bit of time discussing teaching strategies, teacher’s responsibilities, exchanging funny student stories, and talking about life in general. It was bittersweet leaving today because although I am truly grateful to be finished, I will miss the staff and my class tremendously. I know I’ll be back to visit though, which made leaving easier.

Many people know that I’ve been pondering about my decision to be a teacher for a while now. I kept hoping that after my final practicum things would be a little clearer. In some ways they are… there are certain aspects about being a teacher that stress me out and make me feel incredibly uncomfortable. However, I know that many of those things could be “solved” as I gain experience. The bottom line is questioning whether my heart is in it or not. There are a number of things about it that appeal to me, and I do have an almost perverse love of office supplies and pretty teacher things. The aspects that I enjoyed the most on this practicum have been my connections with other people. I LOVED talking with my coworkers, and really enjoyed the little moments with my students. This last week in particular has a special place in my heart as I watched the excitement in my students’ eyes as we watched baby chicks hatching before our eyes.

I can see the impact my participation in the Landmark Forum has had on myself though, which could also contribute to my spectacular week. I am excited because what I learned last weekend has allowed me to truly feel comfortable in my own skin, and has me eagerly anticipating this next chapter in my life.

My Landmark Experience

So what is Landmark? I am buzzing with excitement over it. I signed up to do a course through Landmark because a friend of mine did it and I saw the impact it had on her life. You may recognize Bri because she’s the person who inspired me to join BWs and I follow her blog religiously. In fact while looking to find a way to explain this weekend I looked back to her blog about it, and it describes it so well, I’m just going to direct anyone interested to read her blog entry by clicking here.

The Landmark Forum is a weekend course that provides education on how to live powerfully and live a life you love. That’s their slogan, not my own words :P But it really is true. The possibilities I am seeing for my life gives me goose bumps. To sum it up in a sentence: my participation in Landmark has fundamentally transformed the way I look at my life.

I have spent the last few months in a frenzy trying to make sense of my life.

Why can’t I stop turning to food for comfort?
How is my past impacting my current relationships?

Why am I still lacking in self confidence even after losing 100 pounds?
Why can’t I be more proud of all I’ve accomplished?

Why do I put up walls, being vulernable with my friends but only up to a certain point?

Why do I struggle with accepting support?

Why am I so afraid that people will think I’m crazy if they see who I truly am?

I want all these things, but how do I get to them?

What do I want to do with my life?

All of this was playing on a constant loop all while trying to keep up with my exercise routine and being somewhat healthy with my eating during the most stressful time in my academic career. I get tired just thinking about it.

I think one of the most important things I have taken away from Landmark is the futility in trying to “figure things out.” Understanding why I am responding to something does nothing to help me. It doesn’t change my actions and all it does is gives me an excuse that the story I’m telling myself is true, thus perpetuating the situation. It limits my life. It’s human nature so I’m not beating myself up for doing it, in fact I can now look back on these last few years with a smile. It’s kind of cute looking at how badly I was trying to fumble my way through and getting more and more frustrated as time went on. But knowing what I do now has given me a new way to live my life on a day to day basis. What excites me most is knowing that it will only get better with practice.

The other amazing thing I have gotten out of Landmark is a new possibility of an amazing relationship with my sister. Pretty much everyone in my life knew how much I wish I had a better relationship with her, except for her. I always said I wanted to talk to her about it but never got up the courage to do it; I was so afraid of her thinking I was silly or over dramatic. I’ve idolized her pretty much my whole life so I let the idea of admitting how deep my insecurities were paralyze me. And by not taking these actions, I always felt a bit like a fake. I’ve taken great strides to be more authentic and open wherever possible, and yet in one of the relationships that matters to me the most, I did nothing. Long story short, Terri got a phone call from a very teary sister on Sunday morning! We were only able to talk for a short while, as she was on the bus and I needed to get to my course for 9am, but I felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I am visiting her tomorrow and I can’t wait to see her.

It’s interesting, because although I am on a kind of an emotional high, I’m also more present than ever to the amount of effort I will need to put into life. I know that anything I want for my life is possible, but I also know I am the only person who can make it happen. And it starts with me stepping up, following through my word and keeping my integrity.

Things are changing very quickly in my life right now. I start my new job on Sunday and am moving in just under two weeks.  I am looking forward to a wonderful summer of learning new things, meeting new people and really taking charge of my life.

Read Full Story...

Feeling happy, no fooling!

Today has been a fantastic start to what I hope is a great month. The highlights:

• Biked to the gym and back today, for a total of 10km with a 90 minute Drill class in between. I think that's a record for me! I definitely would not have been able to do that last Spring! 
• Got to spend some quality time with Caroline (who I miss like crazy) and Andrew (who I suppose I can learn to put up with :p )
• GOT A JOB! Working as a housekeeper for the Delta Ocean Pointe, which is a beautiful hotel and from what I can tell, a really great employer! Knowing I have a job and a place to live this summer has relieved a lot of my stress. I start the job April 20th which means I don't get much of a break after practicum, but I am so thankful that at least I have a job!

And as a bonus, I only have 3 weeks left until I'm done my final practicum. Time is flying! I am still really stressed about these last few weeks but I am taking it one day at a time and trying to practice self care at every opportunity. I had a fabulous Easter Weekend with my family up in Comox and got to spend a lot of time at the beach. It helped me to find my centre again and I hope I'm able to hold onto this feeling as I complete this last leg of my degree. 

I have a lot going on in my mind right now and little time to actually think about it, but I did do some reading today on self compassion and I stumbled across an interesting article. Click here if you'd like to read it :) I have a feeling I'll be blogging about this over the summer because it really interests me!

Read Full Story...

Surviving First Grade

And the radio silence continues. Life has been crazy busy for me and blogging has been the last thing on my mind. I'm 3 weeks into my final 8 week practicum and I'm feeling ok about it. There's only 1 week left until it's Spring Break and I won't lie.. I'm counting down the days. I'm at an amazing school and I have the sweetest class ever, but they are draining my energy reserves for sure. I am definitely ready to be done with school and onto the next chapter of my life.

Looking back at the game plan I made back in January, I'd say I've been doing a pretty decent job.

Attitude change - still pretty grateful to be in the position I am, even when I get crazy stressed out I always go to bed with a smile on my face. :)

Rocking practicum - I'd say I'm doing ok with this. I haven't broken down in tears yet, which is miles ahead of where I was last year. My mentor teacher is great with leaving me with the class, which has allowed me to really get a feel for what it means to be the teacher. And of all the little things you have to remember in a day. There are still lots of days where I leave feeling crappy and stressed but I know I'm lucky to have the class I do. *Wednesday's update: I had my first official breakdown yesterday and am still feeling it, but am trying to get my attitude around in time to celebrate St Patty's Day with my students. Thankfully only two more days until Spring Break!!

Motivational system - I put together a quotes page and some of my favourite notes from students in my binder, but so far I've only had to look at it once.

BDHQ - I am so so thankful I decided to stay with the group for the year, for lots of reasons. One of my friends in the program picks me up from the school and drives me to our workouts during the week, which I am SO appreciative of. Being able to leave my stressful day behind in a pile of sweat works like nothing else.

Part of me is scared for these next few months. I have no idea what life will bring for me once practicum is done. I don't know where I'll living, who I'll be living with, or where I'll be working. I might not have my cat anyone either. Life is about to get turned upside down for sure. As someone who's not the best when it comes to change, it definitely has me stressed. But I've known about this for a while, and I am confident that I'll make the right choices when the time comes. I am just SO thankful to be where I am. Knowing that no matter what happens, I have wonderful family and friends that will support me. I could never end up starving or homeless, which is more than some people can say. I will also have a degree at the end of this, which opens up many avenues for me. I know I want to stay in Victoria for another year, so at least I've made that decision. Lots of life decisions will be coming up in the next two months, but I'm just happy that I am living life and getting to make these decisions.

So yes, that pretty much sums up my story right now. Stressed about practicum and life after it but extremely thankful for what I have.

I'm still managing to stay mostly healthy during practicum, which is good. I'm utilizing these three strategies right now.

Strategy 1: Water Intake
Not being able to run to the bathroom whenever I want to has thrown my water consumption off track. It's taken all 3 weeks but I finally have a new system. 1 bottle from when I wake up to when I leave the house (go pee twice before the bell rings), 1 bottle throughout the day, 1 bottle between 3 and 6 when I leave the school and one more bottle between when I get home and go to bed. I find it really helpful breaking it down that way, because I know that if I still have half a bottle left at the end of the school day that I need to chug what's left and then go for a refill.

Strategy 2: Late Night Snacking
A few weeks ago I made a "Pick-a-Strategy" jar which I've since renamed "Pick a Stick." I've been using popsicle sticks so much in the classroom that I figured if it works for 6 year olds it can work for me! When I get a craving or am standing in the kitchen debating if I want that extra snack or not, I go to my jar. Some pictures for you:

It's in my cupboard so when I open it up to see what to eat,
it's staring right at me :)

The idea being of course that I pick a stick and do whatever it tells me instead of eating. It's worked pretty well so far! Other than the 4 in the picture, I also have clean the bathroom, organize a cupboard in the kitchen, clean the fridge, etc. I realized I needed to stop telling myself I didn't "have time" to clean my house because I know how much better I feel when it is clean. 

Strategy 3: Meal Planning

Since I'm at the school for 10-11 hours a day, my food needs to be seriously planned. I did up a blank weekly meal plan sheet on excel and put it one of those clear sheet protector sheets. I then taped the sheet to my kitchen cupboard. I use markers to write down what I'm going to eat each day and then simply erase it on Sunday when I plan the next week. I don't always follow it, but it's been so helpful when I'm dead at the end of the day and can't think of food to pack for the next day. I also wrote up my favourite meals on sticky notes, which helps when I'm standing there contemplating my meal plan.

The teacher in me is so proud of this organization :) 

So now I am off to finish prepping for tomorrow.. doing my second printing lesson and I've been practicing my teacher writing all weekend :S Oh the things that stress you out in primary! Oh, and also, a picture of where I'm spending 90% of my time these days:

View from teacher's corner

View from door

Read Full Story...

Self Love

This month at Biggest Winner is all about self love! There's a chorus of usual innuendoes every time we talk about it of course, but the message is incredibly powerful. Everyone knows that it's important to love ourselves, most of us could probably spout off a quote or two about it from memory. I'll share a few of my favourites:

So yes, self love. We all know it's important, but I've been asking myself what that really means. We all want it, but how do we actually get there? I posted the first task given to us at Biggest Winner on my facebook yesterday morning, but I thought it was worth expanding on here. 

The first strategy is from Hungry for Change, an awesome documentary that I recommend for anyone and everyone! They suggest writing "I accept myself unconditionally, RIGHT NOW" on a sticky note, putting it on your mirror, and saying it out loud twice a day. At the beginning, it can bring up a lot of negative feelings..

"What are you talking about, look at (insert body part here), I'm so ugly!"

"There's so many things about myself I want to change, I can't accept myself!"

"I am doing a terrible job at work."

"I'm not _____ enough (pretty, smart, popular, etc.)."

The list could go on and on. We can be our own worst enemy at times. What the documentary suggests though, is challenging those negative feelings by accepting them. Accepting that, at that exact moment, that is how you are feeling and move on with life. Slowly, over a period of time, it's amazing to see the change to positive self talk. The act of saying those words out loud does something in our brains. I can't explain it, but I've already seen a change in myself the short time I've been doing it. These days, my thoughts are positive far more often than they are negative.

For me, the negative thoughts that come up the most when I look in mirror are usually about wanting to change myself. It's not always in a negative sense either, it's more that I want to be healthier, be kinder to myself than I am, be a better communicator. I have goals for myself that I want to meet. What I've grappled with this month has been understanding that by accepting myself, I am not saying that I am "perfect." There is no perfect. The wonderful thing about life is there are always ways to grow and be a better person. But I can't give up loving myself for who I am now because I'm not further along in my process of "being a better person." The fact that I'm thinking about it, and doing activities that are bringing me closer to my goals are what matters. That quote - it's about the journey not the destination - it's a common one for a reason. When I put myself down and judge myself against what I want to be in the future, I'm losing out on any source of happiness I could be having now. I don't want to live like that. Who would really? 

The other half of the equation for me is understanding that by accepting myself now doesn't mean I want to let go of all the dreams I have more myself. For me, it's both. Loving myself for everything I've been through, who I am in this exact moment, and being excited for the life I am creating for myself. 

I am committing for the month of February to continue using that sticky note strategy, but to actually say it out loud. I'm interested in seeing the difference between just thinking it and saying it out loud. Join me in making the next 28 days all about reminding ourselves that we are enough, just the way we are right now. 

Read Full Story...

Attitude

Wow, hard to believe another month has flown by! I didn't mean to take such a long break from blogging, but I just haven't been in the mood to sit down and write lately.

Today's post is inspired by a quote I saw (on pinterest, of course!)

Tomorrow marks my last class of my Education degree. It's hard to believe that after 6 long years the end is finally in sight. After this, I have an 8 week practicum and then for the first time in 18 years I don't have plans to go back to school in September. It feels incredibly strange. And overwhelming thinking of applying for jobs, finding a place to live, and other important life decisions.

I haven't been coping so well with the upcoming end. In the past I haven't done so well with endings. Or change. But this past week has helped to clear my mind a bit. I've changed a lot in the last few years. I need to start trusting myself more and recognizing all the hard work I've already invested.

People keep asking me what my plans are after I graduate, and it was getting harder and harder to answer that question without feeling guilty or anxious. That all stops now though. I have a game plan.

Step 1) Attitude change. Rather than feeling overwhelmed with all the choices I have to make in the next few months, I am choosing to be incredibly grateful that I have the opportunity to make these choices. I will be a university grad. I have already shown that when I have a goal, I am determined to meet it. Small efforts repeated day in, and day out. My life has completely changed over the last two years, and I'm so happy with the results. I have faith that it will only go up from here.

Step 2) Rock my practicum. And by rock my practicum, I don't mean impress the heck out of everyone with being super student teacher. I mean be true to myself, try my best, love my students, and embrace the wonderfulness of not being perfect.

Step 3) Create a system for those days that I know practicum will be tough. This includes motivational pages full of quotes that remind me to relax and let go and also planning board game/card nights with my friends to help keep me grounded.

Step 4) Continue with the Biggest Winner program. Before Christmas I made the decision to stick with BW for another year (at a discounted price, woot woot!) and I am so happy that I did. It's a wonderful group of people and I am thriving in the positive energy.

Step 5) Complete the Landmark Forum. More on this later.

Step 6) In April, celebrate being finished practicum, find a place to live and find a job. I recognize that these will probably need to start happening before practicum actually finishes, but I am not super concerned about them right now, I need to focus on planning for my practicum right now.

Step 7) Spend a few months in Victoria, working and just living life. I don't know where yet, but I know I want to stay in Victoria, at least for a little while longer. After practicum I can look at my options, and where I want to go, and what I want to do with my life. I'm 85% sure that will include teaching abroad for at least a year or two, but who knows.

This month has been about learning to take deep breaths. I am usually a very planned, scheduled person but I am choosing to let go of some of that control. To just enjoy life. I am so looking forward to not being in school, to be living and have free time to explore my interests. I'm looking forward to my life as I've created it now. Trying new fitness challenges... another half marathon? Tough Mudder? There's so much in my life to be thankful for and excited about.

My next challenge will be putting this attitude change into effect day in and day out. It's one thing to sit on my couch and proclaim to myself "I'm going to be different from here on out!" It takes a lot more effort to follow through. But I am strong, I am determined, and I love being happy. When I find myself feeling overwhelmed, I will close my eyes, take a breath and say "This is home."

(Yes, I've been playing this song on repeat pretty much all night. I'm not ashamed to admit it! Ok, maybe laughing at myself a little bit for being such a dork, but I love the song, and what it means for me.)

Read Full Story...

2012: A Year of Transformation

I've been largely absent the month of December, I apologize. I could make a ton of excuses but none of them really matter. I couldn't, however, let today end without reflecting on 2012.

2012 was definitely a record breaking year for me. I had a few lows, but a ton of highs.

• With the help of my family and close friends, I continued working through my emotional issues. I stopped being afraid to talk about the hard stuff, I opened up and finally let people see the true me. 
• There were a couple of incidents this year that literally thrust my past right in front of me and instead of hiding away and eating food to cope, I leaned on my support system and I became a stronger person for it.
• I had a tough practicum that put me through the loop, but I turned to exercise and friends instead of food when I felt at my lowest. I discovered a lot more about myself than I thought I would and have used that to help guide me in my healing process. I also made a great contact which led me to my current wonderful home. :)
• I took a 30 hour course through Curves to become a Curves Complete trainer and worked one on one with more than a dozen people on their own weight loss journeys through the summer. 
• Things really began to change for me when I joined BDHQ's Biggest Winner Program. I discovered that I was stronger than I ever thought possible and that I could do anything I set my mind to.
• I started this blog - self explanatory.
• I completed both the Warrior Dash and a half marathon, proving that my weight does not hold me back from anything.
• I started dating, which for those who know me well know that's a huge deal. My lack of self confidence and self worth when I was at my heaviest led me to be extremely awkward around anyone of the opposite sex. I grew up surrounded by women, both in my family and my friend groups, so I had no idea how to act normal around guys. Thanks to the amazing summer I had, I feel like such a difference person and have no problem showing most people who I really am, regardless of their gender.
• I met two HUGE milestones - 100 lbs lost and I hit ONEderland.
• Sadly, I had to quit my job at Curves in October. I started feeling too over whelmed with everything and made the scary decision not to work during my last year of university.
• I fit into my friends and family's clothes now. The biggest milestone was when I fit into Kelly's old clothes - they still make me feel like a million bucks when I wear them.
• I started shopping in regular clothing stores. Just yesterday I went with one of my roommates to Forever 21 and bought a few things. It wasn't until I got back that I realized I never once thought that I wouldn't be able to fit into their clothes. That was the first time in my life that I have gone shopping with a friend and not been a nervous wreck. It felt wonderful.
• I've inspired my family as well, both my parents have lost a significant amount of weight as well by making healthy choices in their own lives.
• I went blonde! After all, blondes have more fun ;)
• For the first time in my life, I am truly putting my health first. Body mind and soul, I come first now.

Wow, once I started listed that all out, that looks like a pretty stellar year!! I'm looking forward to what 2013 will bring. I haven't made any New Years Resolutions because I find they don't work for myself. Instead, I'm working on a goal list to see me through this next year. Once I finish it I'll post it on here. Some big life changes are ahead but I am no longer afraid of change. I am looking at life straight on, excited to be where I am and who I am. 

I wanted to do a one year photo comparison, but apparently I didn't take many pictures last Christmas! The best one I found that showed my whole body was from February 3.

And here is me this Christmas, with my sister and cousins.

4 beautiful girls, inside and out! <3 

I ended 2012 with a smaller body and a much bigger, brighter smile! A friend of my mine said this in her blog today and I think it is a great way to sum up my goals for 2013:

Let's inspire each other to be who we really are - for that, my friends, is always enough.

Read Full Story...

Honey, I've shrunk!

Just a quick update today:

1) Last week I went to some awesome goal setting sessions with my BW group that helped to reset my motivation. I committed to getting 15 work outs in by Dec 31st and since I'm already at 7, I don't think that's going to be an issue at all. Especially since my swim suit and goggles are already packed for my 9 days at home!

2) I went to start packing for home and found a pair of my old pants rolled up in the bottom of one of my suitcases. Naturally I had to try them on. It helps put everything into perspective!

Karin and I BOTH fit, each of us in one pant leg. How crazy it that!

I'm getting accustomed to my current size so seeing these pictures now remind me of how far I've come. I remember being anxious because they were starting to get tight on me and they were the highest size Addition Elle carried. That was a year and a half ago during my first practicum. This year, I'm reentering grade one with both a new wardrobe and an entirely different outlook on life. 

Read Full Story...