Stumbling

"We've come so far but we've got so far to go."  That song and those lyrics from Hairspray have been on my workout playlist since I made it. I usually find it super motivating and it makes me work twice as hard. Today it felt like a hammer over my head. Today was the first time in a while that I've had to face just how "far" I have to go. 

I've been so motivated lately, especially this past week. I signed up for bootcamp and then jumped in, two feet first, loving it. I think that's why today was so unexpected for me, because I've been on air all week, so proud of myself and excited about what I was doing.

This morning I was supposed to go to bootcamp at Gyro Park at 8:30am. I was super excited and had all my plans sorted out for the day.. I even made arrangements to go over to a friend's house so I could have a bath and rest the sore muscles I was sure to have after it. Getting to the bus in time was a series of mishaps I suppose. I woke up slightly late, then found out that google maps on the computer was wrong and the bus was 10 minutes earlier than I thought, meaning I had less time for breakfast and only had half of my protein shake. I didn't notice it was raining until I went to put my shoes on, but told myself it didn't matter. I jogged most of the way to the bus stop, to make sure that I would make it on time, because there was no way I was missing the bus. Then I realized I left my water bottle on the counter and I forgot to wrap my foot in the tensor bandage. Then found out that I wasn't clear to Kelly at all when I told her it was "bring a friend to bootcamp day" and she had no clue that I invited her to come.  It was one thing after another, but I kept telling myself no excuses! You are doing bootcamp. 

Well as I was walking down the "Hill of Death" as I fondly call it (all former UVic Res students know exactly what I'm talking about), the pain in my shin started getting worse. I had been experiencing pain in my shins when walking after my intense walk/spin class on Thursday, but I had put it off as the usual sore muscles. Since I was super early for bootcamp, I decided I had to time to do some "research" on google (never a good idea) and started wondering if I had a mild case of shin splints. I called the nurses hotline and long story short, the nurse gave me a lecture about needing to start out a new exercise regime slow and not over doing it. She suggested I talk to the trainer when I got to bootcamp and rather than going for a run with everyone else, I could do something else until the soreness in my shins went away.

That's when somehow my thoughts shifted from "I need to make sure I'm taking care of myself during bootcamp" to "I can't do bootcamp." I was just getting off the phone with the nurse when a stream of cars started coming into the park. Car 1: fit skinny person. Car 2: fit skinny person. Car 3: oh look, another fit skinny person. It went on and on. I say "fit skinny person" because that's just the exact thought that went through my head at that time, usually I hate saying that people it has a connotation to it that I disagree with. I knew the trainer that was starting off bootcamp was a guy who I had never met, and I only knew of one other person that said they were going. I decided that I wouldn't be comfortable talking to this guy trainer with a bunch of strangers around so I'd go and get a different form of exercise and then talk to the trainers I knew the next morning at indoor bootcamp.

I had walking for about two minutes when it dawned on me that I had just rationalized my excuses again. Sure enough, I got a text from Kelly that suggested she thought the same thing. I stopped in my tracks and looked back. By this point, all those who were at the bootcamp were doing a warm up by running up and down the park entrance side walk. I was just about to walk back and join them when this wave came over me. I don't even know how to explain it. It was fear, apprehension, and guilt all wrapped in a tidy little package that took my breath away. I would take one step towards the group and then take two back. It was like I had no control over my body. My brain was telling me to move my legs but my heart was pounding and I was close to freaking out. I eventually found myself sitting in the bus shelter crying my eyes out with a battle going on inside my head. The only way I know how to explain it was I wanted to want to join them SO badly. But the truth was I didn't want to join them anymore. I was scared. I was scared that I'd be the fat kid that couldn't keep up and have everyone doing laps around me. I was scared that I would over do it and injure myself and then I would lose my exercise mojo. But what I was most scared of is that I let myself use excuses again. As soon as I started crying I thought "well that's that, even if I wanted to go to bootcamp now, I can't go there 10 minutes late with red eyes and a blotchy face." Which only made me cry harder. It was so bizarre. The last thing I wanted to do was cop out, but I couldn't fathom going there either. 

I wish I could say that I got up, wiped my face and faced my fears. I wish with every fibre of my being that I could say I was so proud of myself and was on this endorphin high after finishing a (shortened) bootcamp. But I can't. Because what I did was give up and go home. I decided I needed time to think and sort through my emotions. It felt terrible walking away though. I sent Kelly a text telling her I hated myself right now and it was true. I hated that I wasn't strong enough to face my fears. I hated that as soon as I don't feel safe that I turn and run. After a lot of contemplation, I think safety is at the core of it. Everything I have done so far has been safe. I always talk about how Curves is a safe environment for me, that I love. Dancing with the Wii at home with my blinds closed and the door locked was safe. Hell, even joining the bootcamp program I did was a form of safety, because it was a group of people who needed to lose a lot of weight and were there to make a change in their life. Going to bootcamp outdoors, with a bunch of fit people was not safe for me. There was a guy leading it who I had never met. It was outdoors in a very public (and popular) beach. 

I know why safety is an issue for me and that just makes it harder. I don't want my life to always stay in the safe zone. Always taking the safe, easy route hasn't done me any favours. It's what got me to 300 pounds.  I joined this program specifically to challenge myself. So why the hell was I letting myself cop out? I still don't know. 

The sad thing is that I was looking for an excuse the minute I woke up in the morning. I felt uneasy as soon as I agreed to go to today's bootcamp, I realize that now. I wish I had taken more time to consider it then because then maybe today wouldn't have shocked me so much. The sleeping in, bus mix up, forgotten water bottles and ankle wraps, miscommunication with Kelly.. all those were excuses and I knew it, and I was strong enough to not use those. But I clung on to "shin splints" and ran with it. Who makes it all the way down to an exercise place and then 30 seconds away from the group backs out? I mean really, it felt ridiculous at the time and now that I write it out it makes me shake my head.

What I do know is that I am not perfect. Today was a struggle for me, a big one. And while I am disappointed in myself, I am trying not to beat myself up over it. It's done. I can't change what I did or didn't do. What I can do is be proud of the little things. Those being old me probably would have used my bus transfer to get home and then watched TV or movies all day so I didn't have to think about my own problems. Instead, I walked the 4.6km home, made protein pancakes and wrote this painfully long blog. 

So for today, that will have to be enough of a success. Today I fought against my old insecurities and lost. Next time I won't. This morning was unexpected so I didn't have any tools to help me deal with it. Now that I've been through it once, I hope I can recognize it sooner.

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Surviving Spin

Phew! What a crazy, active day for me!

It all started at 7am, when Kelly and I left her place to go for a 8km walk. Of course, what was an insanely fast walk for me was the equivalent to an easy stroll for her. I can't wait for the day where I can keep up! And by that I mean probably have to jog beside her while she fast walks.

So an hour and twenty minutes when we get back to her place I am pretty tired and my legs feel a bit like jelly, but not overly so. So next on my schedule - a spinning class. I'd heard enough about spinning class that I had firmly decided I'd try it in another 15 pounds or so, once my legs were stronger. In fact, I had "survive a spinning class" on my list of fitness goals(meant for the future). But then a friend told me she was going to the 9am class and that I should join her. Since I didn't have anything else to do at that time, I didn't have any reason to say no. So I went. And I'm writing about this because I don't ever want to forget the feelings I felt during and at the end of the workout. It went something like this:

9:05: look at me go! I'm doing it! And the instructor seems pretty nice.
9:07: turn the tension UP? This instructor is mean.
9:10: OMG, only 3 more minutes have passed?? How can I possibly do this for another 30 minutes?
9:15: I am seriously tempted to give up. The walk with Kelly before hand did me in.
9:20: at this point, some writing on the wall caught my eye. It said "No F-ing Around." All the sudden I was getting flash backs of all those times I had given up or given in. I rationalized myself into thinking my excuses to not do something were so legitimate that they couldn't be considered excuses but just the truth. And that got me to basically 300 pounds. I am done "f-ing around" with my life and my health. The next time the instructor tells us to turn the tension up, I do it willingly!
[insert 10 minutes of working so hard I am pretty sure there's a puddle of sweat underneath me]
9:30: I am still not "f-ing around," but I am slightly worried that if I go further on either side, this bike is going to tip over. Also, OW.
9:35: seats off? This should be interesting. I'm excited for the challenge! If I could just get this bloody seat off....
9:37: I never thought I would miss sitting on that hard, uncomfortable seat so much! Can we be done yet? I'm sure it's already 9:40 on someone's watch!
9:40:  YYAAAAYYY! I MADE IT! I'M DONE! I'M SUPER WOMAN!
9:40 and 30 seconds: wait, we're doing ab exercises on the floor now? Crap.
9:45: what is this mysterious thing they call the core and why do I seem to have NONE. I'd like to get back on the bikes now.
9:50: I did. I made it. And what's that... I enjoyed it?!?! I must be crazy because I'm already looking to see when the next spin class that fits into my schedule.


The second best part of my day was seeing this number on my pedometer when I got home:

Yup, I had walked (/spun) over 20,000 steps before 11am. The best part of my day? Hands down the incredible endorphin high I've been on all day. I don't know if I can do this much activity every day, but hey, why not? I could definitely get used to this happy feeling.

I just hope I can walk tomorrow because no matter what I told myself that I'd be getting a circuit in at work. *Fingers crossed*

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Protein Pancakes

I had the best breakfast ever today. Protein pancakes, banana and peanut butter. Delicious! A picture of my breakfast:

The recipe:
1/3 cup oatmeal
1/3 cup cottage cheese
1/3 cup egg whites
splash of vanilla

Whir with a blender til smooth (or use an immersion blender). Cook just like a pancake. Hot pan, quick spray of Pam, flip when edges are dry and bubbles form. Top with berries or natural peanut butter and banana. You can make 3 smaller pancakes or one giant one.


And on Curves Complete, it's good for 1 fruit + 1 starch + 1 protein exchange! It doesn't match up perfectly but I did the caloric math and it's close enough :) Maybe I'll have it for dinner one day and add some turkey bacon for another protein.. oh the possibilities! 


I cut a small banana into thin slices for mine, but next time I think I'll stick with fruit on top. They were actually a bit too filling with the PB, believe it or not! I had them 2 hours ago and still feel full! 

This picture is from where I got the recipe from :) Looks so good eh?? 

People were talking about it after bootcamp and I am so glad I tried them! I can definitely see this becoming a favourite. I think this weekend I'll make up a bit batch and freeze them to have them for days where I don't have time to make the individual batter. The reason I love these so much is that is didn't taste like I was having "diet food." It tasted like I have having pancakes. Yummy, tasty, wonderful pancakes. Although I bet they tasted even better to me because I knew they were healthy, haha! 

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Warrior Dash

I did something today that I never imagined myself doing. I signed up to participate in the Warrior Dash! It's a 5km run/obstacle course that looks both crazy and fun. I'm going with the group of gals from bootcamp and I won't lie - I'm scared. But as much as I'm scared to do something like that, I'm also super excited because it's something I would never do on my own. Especially not at my current weight. Even if I had any interest in doing it, I  would have brushed it off as "something skinny people do." Not anymore. No more using my weight as an excuse.

So come August 4th, I will be one of those crazy people covered in mud and smiling like crazy! I've got a month to build up my fitness level and I am more than ready for the challenge!

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The next step

I am incredibly proud of myself today. I did two things that scared me:
1) Went to my first ever boot camp.
2) Made a commitment to continue with said boot camp for 3 months!


Boot camp is something that I've been thinking about for the last couple of weeks, weighing the pros and the cons. I love Curves, and it has (obviously) really worked for me, but I felt ready to take on a new fitness challenge. I wanted something more extreme to do on my off days from Curves, to push myself further. And man, will this push me! It was an hour and a half today, and I was both exhausted and energetic after we finished. Exhausted because I pushed myself SUPER hard. Energetic because I impressed myself multiple times during the workout. For our "break" of running around the block, I managed to stay jogging for the entire time. I didn't stop to walk ONCE. Even though I had a stitch in my side, I pushed myself. And then at the very end of the workout, when we ran around market square (up, down and across!) I was actually at the front of the pack. I got two rounds in! 


It makes me proud because even though I am heavy, I think I'm more fit than I realized. Thanks to Curves, I have really strong muscles that will only get stronger! Especially my arms, I love those arm machines. What I really need to work on is my legs. Those lunges and squats, phew! Also, planks. Those are a mean, mean invention. 


Something random but super exciting. I took some pictures today, intending to use them to see how big the difference would be after 3 months of Curves Complete and boot camp. It's fun to see just how far I've come as well! There are 13 months of hard work between these pictures :)

                               

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Making a mess in the kitchen

Today was a tiring day, but a good one! My entire evening revolved around a recipe, haha. I decided that I needed to be more adventurous with food so I went to pinterest for ideas! The end result: falafels, tzatziki, kale chips, pita and cucumbers!

I decided to go with photographical evidence, otherwise I'm not sure my Mom would believe that I ate this :) 

The falafel mix was so delicious! Took me an hour and half to get the recipe right though. Recipe can be found here. 

The falafel's all cooked and ready for eating! :) They were so filling I could only eat two!

Homemade tzatziki! I forget how easy it is to make! And by using fat free greek yogourt and light sour cream, I can classify it as healthy :)

Thank you SO much Jenn for this delicious recipe for kale chips!  Lay bite sized pieces on a cookie tray, drizzle some olive oil, add a bit of salt and bake at 350 degrees for 5-8 minutes. Yum!!

It's a good thing I liked those kale chips, because Fairway has a sale right now.. 3 bunches for $2. Hence the bouquet of kale. Off to google more ways to eat/cook it!

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The Munchies

This week of 5-6 hour sleeps is catching up to me. I can *really* tell when I haven't had enough sleep. I didn't quite have it right when I said I thought I'd get the munchies today. It's more that no matter what I eat, I feel like I need to eat more. Bottomless pit syndrome maybe? I've known for a while that there's a connection between sleeping and weight loss, based mostly on experience. Today I decided I needed to build upon my knowledge, so I consulted google. I felt really smart when I realized the connection less than two paragraphs in. Hormones! Yes! Of course. I learned all about those frustratingly-hardly-ever-"normal" beauties during my Curves Complete certification. More research confirmed what I suspected - leptin and ghrelin are the ones to blame.

A brief teaching break here:

Leptin is produced in our fat cells and sends the signal to the brain when you are full. Ghrelin is produced in the GI track and is what stimulates our appetite. 2 guesses as to what happens when you don't get enough sleep? Yup, leptin goes down and ghrelin goes up.. aka you want more and more food and you don't feel as satisfied after you eat. So while I am sitting here with my tea, fighting the urge to snack every hour, it feels nice to be able to curse at my hormones.


Another interesting fact from I know from Curves Complete.. when people are obese, they have large amounts of leptin (makes sense right?). You'd think that would mean the brain would be told we're full sooner. But what happens is that we obese folk can build up a resistance to leptin, similar to people with diabetes and insulin. So instead of telling the brain it's full, the body just says "Bring it on, I'll make room in the stomach somehow!" Now of course, it is far more complicated than just leptin levels and there are many other contributing facts, but it's still interesting. And annoying. Of course, now that I've finished writing this, I found a pretty decent article that doesn't use frustratingly long medical jargon. If you're interested in this topic, feel free to read more about it here.


Ok, off comes the teacher hat.


So now that I'm done complaining, what am I going to do about this? For starters, get more sleep. I need a plan, I do better with plans. It's harder because I don't get off work until 8pm, so I'm home around 8:30 and it takes me half an hour to wash my tupperware from the day and prepare food for the next day. It wouldn't be such a problem if I didn't have this one 6am shift during the week. So I can't just sleep in every other day. I'm a big fan of up at the same time every day. And by big fan, I mean my body loves it even if it takes weeks of will power to finally get into a decent schedule. I am also considering joining a boot camp for the summer, which has some 6am start times as well. So, ideally I will be a in bed by 9:30, awake by 5 schedule before too long. Going to bed that early is such much easier in the winter, when it's dark out by 6pm. Not that I'm complaining, I'm just stating a fact. 


I suppose the other thing I should mention today is that I had my weigh in. As I suspected, I didn't lose anything this week. Of course I had hoped I would, but considering I lost 9.5 pounds last week, I am not upset in the least. Besides, this is turning less into a numbers game for me. Yes, it is still incredibly important and I can't *wait* to see a 1 in the hundreds column. However, I refuse to let a number dictate how I feel. Yesterday I felt strong and confident. I still do today (although not totally strong as my abs are killing me from the workout I did with my friend yesterday afternoon). If I don't see a loss next week either, then I will start to examine things, but for now.. I am a healthy living life and enjoying it!

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